Common Sense Is Not So Common

New Website

2010-02-02T14:52:00.001-06:00

Hey Everybody!

I've been spending the last few weeks working on my new blog, The Common Sense Review. It's not very developed, because I'm spending more time writing thorough posts and I'm still playing with theme ideas and figuring out how I want it to look and function. I'm also building up the post number, so there will be an ample amount of reading material available.

You are, of course, welcome to come visit me here. Also, if you want to add the URL, it's http://commonsensereview.wordpress.com.

Hope to see you there!

Is This It?

2010-01-15T08:05:00.003-06:00

2010 is looking like the year of new beginnings for me.

I am now once again a full-time student. Classes start March 8. And unlike the last time I thought I was going to be back in school, I have the financial aid award letter and my classes are scheduled. Anything that I thought would keep me from going to school has either been handled, or is in the process of being handled.

Now, I'm faced with the thought that I'll need to start back helping with the bills. And I don't want to just be in school for the next two years without generating any income.

I'm considering the thought of completely monetizing my blog and taking it to an even better place than it used to be.

Scratch the "considering" part. I am going to do it.

Initially, my idea was to give this blog credit where credit was due and allow it to die peacefully and quietly like so many other blogs do. I was going to move to Wordpress and start fresh with a new layout, tweaked writing style, and new content.

Further thought, however, has enlightened me to the fact that I shouldn't reinvent the wheel if at all possible. This blog, if nothing else, has age. I've been doing this for almost 3 years. Not only do I have some experience writing for an audience, but the age makes it a very dependable site when I'm trying to add some affiliate links or other revenue outlets.

It's easy for me to talk myself out of doing this...it's taking a risk, and a gamble at that. I'm not exactly sheltered from life anymore. My essentials are being taken care of, but now I'm significantly more responsible for them than I was when I was living with my grandmother. On the other hand, though, finding a job now, with the prospect of me starting school so soon, is seeming like less and less of a good idea. The whole reason I've gone back to school is because I wanted to be able to get a better job than what I'm currently qualified for. I don't want to spend all my time working terrible jobs that I hate just for a little pocket change. I'd rather spend my time doing something I love to do and allow the money to follow.

At least now, I have about a month and a half to start revamping this blog, finding and adding revenue, and creating valuable content that will actually attract and keep readers (shouts out to my loyal fellow bloggers who have stuck with me this far...I promise you'll see rewards for it in the near future!).

I don't expect to come out the box making thousands or even hundreds of dollars a month. That's unrealistic. But I do believe that if I keep at it, keep my eyes open for new opportunities, and remain true to the new purpose of this blog (and to myself), then maybe within a year I'll be generating enough income to not feel so bad about pursuing my dreams right now when things aren't quite settled at home yet.

I'd like to again thank everybody who has traveled this far with me, and I hope to see you all again on the other side of the blog!

Finally Being Honest

2009-12-22T11:25:00.002-06:00

Earlier this morning, I attempted to sit in front of my computer screen and blog about what truly made me happy.

That turned out to be a much bigger and more difficult task than I thought. The very first thought I put down in my process was a negative one.

So I decided to approach this differently. I turned off the computer and grabbed a good old pen and two pieces of paper, and just started to write.

Sometimes, I just don't think I'm enough. Enough of a person, enough of a woman. Not pretty enough. Not funny enough. Not friendly. Unsuccessful.

That was the very first paragraph I wrote. Yeah, I know...ouch. It takes a real lack of self-esteem to be able to write those things without flinching. It actually slightly hurts to know that when I challenged myself to write about being happy, the very first thing I did was put myself down.

I continued on for the next few pages, trying to pinpoint things that make me happy. Dressing up. Getting my nails done. These weren't it. I started writing about school, and wrote this:

I don't miss school as it was 2 years ago. I don't miss the life I had (entirely). What I do miss was the ability to learn new things. I miss being myself.

Lights and sirens started to blare. I hesitated slightly before writing the statement I miss being myself. I wanted to catch it, to stop myself before writing it. I felt ashamed.

I hesitated to write that last statement. And I immediately wanted to try to justify my statement. I wanted to explain myself away, maybe to soften the blow. I cared enough about what people think and the thought of who might read this that I didn't want to be honest with myself. Is that what I've come to? Have I devoted so much of my time to pleasing everyone else that I've forgotten how to be honest with myself?

I had to touch a soft spot within myself in order to admit that for a long time, I haven't been honest with myself. I'm not only referring to the big decisions in my life, such as what career I want to pursue or what I want to do with my credit. I'm referring to smaller everyday decisions. My blogger queue is chock full of half-written posts, abandoned because I felt the topic would be too sensitive to post or because I feared hurting somebody's feelings. I don't do what I want to my hair because I fear what someone might say, even though I know it would look 50 times better if I cut it shorter.

I still don't understand what caused me to start such a self-defeating cycle of doing everything for the acceptance of other people, completely ignoring everything that makes me happy.

Everything, that is, except coffee.

Coffee is the one of the few things I can think of that I've never compromised for anyone. It's the first thing I ever really rebelled with, at the age of 15. My mother forbade me to drink coffee...I drank it anyway. I wish I could say that I did it just because she told me not to...it would make me sound like I had some balls. But I drank it because it tastes delicious to me, and because I didn't understand why it's so bad. Still don't. As a matter of fact, I've told men I dated in the past that if they couldn't deal with me liking coffee, then maybe they needed to look somewhere else.

The reason I thought about coffee, and devoted a page and a half to writing about it, was that I found it interesting how I can quickly assert my beliefs regarding that but I seem to become a sissy about everything else.

But more than that, it was a lifeline of hope, a sliver of understanding in what were once murky waters. I'd asked myself what made me happy. After 3 1/2 hours of searching, I found one thing that purely makes me, and no one else, happy. It's certainly not the only thing, but it was refreshing to have at least one answer to my question. Demiera 1, Hard Life Questions 0.

People are interested in me...nay, I am interesting as a person, when I just do me. When I start doing things that I think other people want, not only am I usually very wrong, but I also stop being happy. I don't know what anybody else wants in their life. Why would I spend my life working on shaping myself to someone else's standards when I don't even know what their standards are, and honestly don't care?

How intriguing...in reading the passages excerpted from my long letter to myself, I feel like I've been more honest as a writer and a person than I have been in a long, long time. I finally see some of my personality coming out, some of my true beliefs, showing their face after so much time of being held back.

I wish I had some catchy conclusion to this post, to wrap it up. I wish I could say that I vow to always follow my own mind, to always do things the way I want them done. Let's be real. Change doesn't occur overnight, and you don't reverse 20 years of dependent thinking in a morning.

I can, however, admit that now that I've tapped a part of my soul and being that had been hidden for so long, I can finally work toward consciously changing my thought processes. I worried that nobody took me seriously...sure they didn't, because I didn't take myself seriously. Now it's time for me to start doing just that. Bit by bit, decision by decision, I'm sure I'll recover confidence that I lost, and finally start on that road to being truly happy again.

------

On a completely unrelated note, I want to stress the importance of family. I kind of strayed away from mine, even though they've always supported me, because I always thought that I needed to constantly impress them and once things didn't start working the way I thought they would, I felt like I was a failure and that I had let them down.

I realize now (and did for a little while, but it's really all making sense now) that everything I had projected that they were thinking was untrue, and largely a product of my own imagination. In fact, any time I think I can guess what's on someone's mind, it's normally just a product of my imagination and I almost always find later on that I was terribly wrong.

In any event, I've reached out, and they've accepted me back (as loving family does) and I'm ready to admit that I definitely was wrong in assuming that they wouldn't love or accept me just because I wasn't living life the way I thought they wanted me to live. I'm wrong in thinking anyone in my life worth having around won't love or accept me just because I don't make the decisions they want me to. Anybody who so conditionally cares for me doesn't deserve to be around me.

My uncle Calvin wrote this on my Facebook page, and as his messages always do, it really touched me and almost brought me to tears, and I wanted to share it here:

You're back in the nest so stay true to the fam and the fam will always stay true to you. Fear not the people you know, but those who are unseen and have not revealed themselves to you. Work on your instincts and learn to walk in the night fearless with your eyes closed. When you are related to something greater than you, shed your fears and pursue your dreams with all the zest and vigor your heart can produce. Don't look back just stay focused on your goals and future.....I'm always watching your back so you don't have too!

Pretty Mixed Babies

2009-12-17T10:36:00.004-06:00

There's a new epidemic sweeping the nation, a trend that has silently yet powerfully taken our culture by storm. You might see them walking down the street, milling through stores, traveling in packs...

I'm referring to interracial couples.

An episode of The Golden Girls brought this topic to mind (yes, I do watch the Golden Girls faithfully). The show features a young white man and an older black woman getting married and shows the parents' difficulties dealing with that fact.

It got my mind gears cranking.

I am half of an interracial couple myself. I'm Black and Indian, and Jay is Mexican and Puerto Rican. Other than the occassional racial teasing, when he accuses me of being in love with fried chicken and I protest his insistance of eating everything on tortillas, we get along very well despite any differences in our skin tone. As a matter of fact, our relationship is very culture rich because we have the opportunity to show each other what makes each of us unique.

Unfortunately, skin color is enough of an issue to still create some discomfort at certain occasions. Meeting the parents was a scary experience for both of us because neither knew how we would be received into our respective families.

That, of course, says nothing about the looks we get from people when we walk down the street holding hands, or the comments we hear in passing that we know are directed our way.

We aren't looking for acceptance from the world. We accept each other, and that's enough for us.

But it wouldn't hurt if people weren't so damn unaccepting of the idea that a black woman and a hispanic man can love each other and be compatible enough to come together in a relationship.

What are your thoughts on interracial relationships, good or bad?

We were at Lollapalooza. We were hot, the "liquid courage" was flowing, the air was thick with Mary Jane's perfume...but we were together and we were (and still are!) HAPPY!!

Designing a Home Office (Part 1)

2009-12-16T15:45:00.004-06:00

I'm supposed to be cleaning the house.

Instead, I'm online shopping for furniture to create a home office we don't have the space for.

Let me back up. We have the space for an office. It's just not one of the more important things we need to be purchasing right now.

But, in light of the Christmas spirit, I can dream about it anyway.

I found an awesome desk at walmart.com that I've absolutely fallen in love with.

It's the Orion L-Shaped desk, running for $89.00.

How do you beat a price like that??

In addition, the desk is so cute, and looks like it would fit perfectly in the free space we have in the living room. It would be a nice place to store our documents. I think the CD tower is a little unnecessary since we don't stockpile many CDs, but I can definitely find an alternate use for it (outgoing mail, maybe? Bills to be paid?)

Regardless, it's cute. And affordable. And I want it.

Of course, you can't get a desk without a chair. And I found a cute chair too, leather no less, for $49.00.

I'm in office shopping heaven right now.

We need the desk space. Plus, the black/woodgrain will look reeeeaaaaallllllllyyyy nice with our black entertainment center and wooden cocktail table. It will do a lot to bring together the living room, while establishing that little corner as the "office corner".

We can put the laptop over there, and our books, and...

I'm probably getting a little ahead of myself. I haven't formally measured the space I have to work with, so that desk may not work as well as I'd like it to.

I'm also not considering the fact that our refrigerator is smack dab in the middle of the living room, making the task of cutting the office from the kitchen even harder.

I suppose my biggest concern is having way too much going on in the living room. But, if we've got the space, and we can make it work, why not go for it?

I'll plead my case tonight, and we'll see what happens... :)

Organizing From The Inside Out

2009-12-13T23:50:00.002-06:00

Yesterday, a trip to the bookstore yielded my second copy of Organizing from the Inside Out by Julie Morgenstern.

I previously owned the similar book geared toward teens, written by Morgenstern's daughter Jessi. Ironically, I somehow misplaced that book. I attribute that to my own disregard of the general rules in the book and not to a lack of good advice. The book was awesome.

I am now prepared to launch an all-out organizing assault on our small, one bedroom apartment.

The good thing is that since we moved in only a few months ago, we haven't accumulated a huge amount of unnecessary items. But because the place is so small with so few storage items, it has become very difficult to control the clutter in the house while keeping it as aesthetic as possible.

The main reason not much has been done to decorate is the fact that we don't intend on staying in this apartment beyond the lease, which is up in August. We didn't want to spend a lot of time and money making this place habitable when we knew we wanted to find a new place as soon as possible.

What I'm discovering, though, is our lack of organization here is affecting much more than just the items in our house. Bills we thought were paid are turning up forgotten, important dates come and go without regard, and our important documents end up in a huge pile under the cocktail table and thrown anywhere they will fit.

We don't have much up in the form of decoration, making the apartment look boring and simply as a place to sleep, eat (though not all of the time) and bathe, versus looking like a home.

Since this is the first piece of paper Jay and I have signed our names to jointly, it holds a very sentimental aspect. But the decor doesn't reflect that.

Our bathroom is tiny and I'm an impulsive beauty product buyer, which means I have toiletries on the rims of the bathtub, the sink shelf, in containers under the sink, spread through the medicine cabinet, in the closet, and in a hamper in the living room (which I would like to relocate or even get rid of, since it's simply a shit collector).

Don't get me wrong, the place isn't a mess. And clean up usually isn't terribly painful. But the fact remains that it is aesthetically unbecoming and the important things (mainly our finances) are being left in the wind.

I haven't actually started mapping out a plan for the apartment yet. I chose to review the book first, get a general idea of what I'd be getting into, then will reread the important parts to follow the steps necessary to get organized.

I do, however, have a general idea of how I would like for this place to look.

Most importantly, though, after realizing my own goals and plans for reorganizing and decorating this space, I need to talk to Jay about his own expectations of space, living conditions, and budget agreements. After all, he lives here too (and now pays the bills) so I need to make sure whatever I do will benefit both of us, not cause more stress and problems.

I'll be documenting my progress as I go along, so you can follow along in the steps I do and maybe my journey will help you get organized, too.

Let the project begin...

Ahhh, Technology

2009-11-24T13:46:00.003-06:00

I would like to take a moment to thank all of the computer/phone geeks in this world.

I don't mean geeks like me, either. I'm a bit of a geek, but the only reason I can do so much with a computer/phone is because I've learned the value of Google. And I use it quite often.

I mean the geeks who actually sit at home and work out the solutions to our everyday computer problems, then post their findings on the Web for all us lazy geeks to Google. You guys are awesome.

See, I was in a period of need. My laptop has probably breathed it's final breath (piece of shit HP...goddammit...way to put out an extended warranty and cover all laptops BUT mine...motherfuckers...mother board problems...you know how much mother boards cost???).

Unfortunately, my LIFE was on that computer. Meaning, of course, my music library and my iTunes. Now, my iPhone used to be synced to Jay's computer, which worked out just fine because his piece of shit computer at least will TURN ON. But I sacrificed over 1.000 songs from his computer so I could put my 1300 or so from my own computer onto my phone. Then I copied as many songs as I could from his library onto a flash drive and transferred them over.

Yeah, that was a lot of work.

Needless to say, that's all gone. And my iPhone is currently the only proof that I have a music library. It took me well over a year to rebuild my library after the LAST time my computer fucked up and I had to restore to factory settings.

I'm not wiping out my music again.

But I'll never use iTunes again. So what do I do? Google!!

How to put music on iPhone without using iTunes.

I found some interesting little tidbits, but I was directed to a program called CopyTrans Manager. So I downloaded it...and it's A.W.E.S.O.M.E.

Then I downloaded another nifty little program called iRinger. Now thanks to my CopyTrans Manager and iRinger, I not only have stolen all kinds of music from Jay's computer (muahahahaha) but I also have created custom ringtones for my iPhone. So whenever my phone rings you hear:

"Til we die, niggas just don't know...PAYBACK IS A MOTHERFUCKER WHEN YOU FUCKIN WITH THE PSSSYYYYYYCCCCHHHHOOOOO!!!"

(That would be from the song "Do Whatchu Wanna Do" by Psychodrama.)

I like to think about it this way. The price for an iPhone is highway robbery any way you look at it. You're paying an exorbitant amount for it, whether your money goes toward the purchase of the phone or towards the damn near $100/mo plan.

I'm sorry. I'm not gonna pay $250 for the phone, then $100/mo for the shitty plan AND some ringtones.

Honestly, people will do anything they can to make a dollar, even off something as stupid as having a special song when your phone rings.

And don't get me started on Callback tones or whatever THE fuck those things are called...you know when you call somebody and the ring is a song?

No offense to anyone who has that. But it doesn't make any sense.

Why would I spend money so OTHER PEOPLE can enjoy a song? If I'm gonna spend money on a song, I want that song to play whenever I call someone else.

I mean, are the people who call me gonna contribute to the cost of that particular call back tone?Probably not.

More than likely, they won't even mention it. I won't get a "Hey girl, your callback tone sure is neat!" or "Demiera, I want a callback tone just like yours, where'd you get it?"

But.

If I'm in the company of someone else with an iPhone who has not yet learned the (not-so-huge) secret of putting your own custom ringtones on your phone and my phone happens to ring, I will get a "Whoa, dude, you got ringtones on your phone? How'd you do that??"

Bingo...

Plazo Sesamo

2009-11-21T08:10:00.003-06:00

So last night I came to a huge conclusion about why I can't speak Spanish fluently given my 11 years (okay, okay, you can pick your jaw up off the floor now) of Spanish class in school.

I mean, it's kind of embarrassing to have devoted that much time to learning a language you still aren't fluent in.

If you want to learn a language, any language, you need to make sure you're learning it by associating the foreign word with an object, not a word.

Let me say that again. Associate foreign words with objects, not words.

This is going to sound crazy, but Jay and I watched Sesame Street... en espanol... it was the best learning experience ever. It's a completely visual process, and I was intrigued by how well I felt I could grasp the show, even though it was entirely in Spanish.

Yes, I know. It's a kid's show. But I was learning, dammit.

I learned that a mariposa is a butterfly, how to say the letter "M", and that if you can't sleep, you say no puedo dormir.

The fundamental error in the way most advanced Spanish teachers teach Spanish is that they tend to associate words and phrases in Spanish with words we use in English. In other words, it's a huge conjugation exercise.

This method of teaching leads to failure, because a person cannot feasibly learn to speak a language when they force their brain to follow so many steps to communicate. You make yourself do extra steps.

Let's say the task at hand is for someone to say a phrase to me in Spanish, and I have to also respond in Spanish.

Sounds pretty simple and straightforward, right?

For me, it's not. Let's say the phrase is "Que quieres comer?"

Step one: I must translate this phrase into English. The phrase means "What do you want to eat?"

Step two: Now that I've translated the phrase into a language I speak fluently, I can finally think of how to answer the question. Suppose I want chicken (no black comments please...JAY :P). Now I formulate my response in English: "I want chicken."

But wait. The task is for me to answer the question in Spanish, not in English. So the third step is for me to translate my response into Spanish. My answer would be "Quiero pollo."

It may not sound like an unreasonable task, but imagine your brain having to follow this process every time you attempt to understand a sentence in Spanish. I spend so much energy and attention translating the phrase that I don't have a chance to understand what's going on.

Thus, the fundamental flaw in my learning: the association of Spanish to English words, not to the objects they represent.

I can look at an apple and tell you it's a manzana. I can look at the color green and tell you it's verde. I can look at the number 15 and tell you it's quince. Anything I was taught through simple repetition, however, is gone.

Likewise, I picked up a couple of words they don't teach you in class, like pendejo. What's funny is I don't even know the English translation for this word, but I can use it in everyday language. Like when I called the cat a pendejo for knocking everything off the table.

If you're trying to learn a different language, don't try to read a book about learning it or buy those stupid computer programs that make you repeat phrases from English translations, because at the end of the day you're only going to end up frustrated. I really believe if you do it right you can become fluent in a language for (almost) free.

Immerse yourself in the language. I live around a couple of Mexican restaurants and supermarkets, so whenever we go to the store I'm associating names with meats and fruits. I look at menus and try to learn there. It's a never-ending process, but I must learn Spanish before I have children... I want them to be bilingual but I have to be first, or else I'll never know what they're talking about...

Adios...!

Should Have Seen It Coming...

2009-11-20T09:47:00.003-06:00

Dear Life,

Today, I got fired.

Never been fired before...but I suppose there's a first time for everything.

The general manager was nice about it...and he may have been lying, but it seemed like he really didn't want to fire me. I guess that's why I'm not mad. He said I'm a great employee but not for the job I was working.

Which I was expecting. I knew by the end of this month I probably wouldn't be there anymore.

Still.

Let the record show that I worked my ASS off at that job. I never gave up. I asked for help, I researched, I did everything I could. I trained another person so well they bumped her up TWO departments. So obviously I did know what I was doing. I had the mechanics of the job down, the steps to follow, the scripts to read.

At the end of the day, though, I'm just not a collector.

I had hoped that in this job, I would learn to be more aggressive. I had hoped I would learn to be less afraid of doing certain things. I had hoped that through this experience I would learn how to be more assertive, how to go after what I want. I learned a different lesson from this. I learned that sometimes, desire to do well isn't enough. I learned that others can help you only so far...the rest comes from within. Yes, I worked hard and that was obvious. Yes, I put forth my best effort. But I was really just running at top speed on a treadmill...wasting all my energy and not going anywhere. It was a waste of time for both me and the company.

Of course, I'm being completely logical minded on the outside. But I still have tears waiting to fall. I won't say I'm not accustomed to failing but I'm certainly not used to failing at things I put real effort into. But I will not allow myself to think this was all for nothing.

Time to dust myself off, listen to some feel-good music, clean up the house, eat some comfort food, and start the search for a new job. No time to sit and dwell on failures or setbacks...life moves way too fast for that...

Dreaming...

2009-11-16T22:25:00.002-06:00

What do you want to be when you grow up?

The time I ever answered that question (that I can remember) was when I was around 3 or 4 years old. I wanted to be a firefighter, and I was convinced I'd grow up to be the best fire fighting machine around.

Ah, how times change.

Over the course of the years, my dreams evolved. I went from fire fighter to nurse to teacher to lawyer to forensic psychologist to lawyer again to high powered business woman.

Now that it's time for me to actually put my dreams in motion, I'm at a loss.

Somehow when you're younger it's much more fun to think about what you want to be when you get older. Maybe it's the fact that when you're young, your dreams remain largely that: dreams. You can't really do much for your dream of what you want to be when you grow up because you normally need to grow up first.

I'm being faced with this decision much earlier than I expected or wanted to be, but in a way it's my fault. I'd rather not be one of those people who spends 20-30 years at a job they hate because they were too afraid to confront their dreams and make them work.

The thing about a dream is there is a reason a dream remains a dream. There's always some obstacle between it and reality.

What do you do when the obstacle lies not in achieving the dream, but in determining the dream itself?

Talk Like You're The Ish

2009-11-11T22:39:00.004-06:00

So, Jay and I were conversing on the eloquent art of collecting large balances from a big company.

He's the brilliant mind with the talk. So he, joking around, rolls off the tongue with this smooth operator ass talk off. I mean, it was perfect. He showed no hesitation, no shame, no stuttering. His voice was strong, convincing. He could care less if the person paid the debt and you could hear it...made me wanna go get my checkbook.

And I'm sitting there listening to him, trying to decide whether I should grab a pen and paper and take notes or just be jealous as shit that he can talk like that and I can't.

Teach me to talk like that, I begged him.

"Talk like you're the shit," he says, and leaves it at that.

I couldn't talk like I was the shit if I literally was a pile of feces.

My biggest problem is that I never took the time to develop confidence...I'd always thought that if I weren't the highest form of modest, I would come off as arrogant. In doing so, I think I've wandered to the most extreme end of the modesty spectrum and become rather comfortable with not having that face that point in my life.

And now, I have to. My job requires it, my living situation requires it, my responsibilities require it. I need to learn to have my own voice and not be afraid to share it.

So what should I do? I mean, should I stand in front of the mirror every day and just tell myself I'm the shit until I start to believe it? Should I find a mantra and post it on my desk to look at on every call to remind myself that I'm in control?

Not gonna lie...for about a week, I did feel like I was the shit. I was popping big payments left and right, and I was feeling great. Then something happened and BOOM...the confidence was gone. I never found it back.

So guess what...if it takes chanting a mantra between each call, I'll do it. If it takes waking up 5 minutes early so I can give myself a proper mirror pep talk before starting my day, so be it. If while I'm bored I gotta write down my frustrations to keep them out of mind so I can stay focused, then I'll write away. Put my phone away during work. Do nothing but focus on doing what I need to do to get what I need.

I'm not going to go in there tomorrow with my chest all puffed out, thinking I'll get paid on my first call. It doesn't work that way.

But it IS about time to get in, kick ass, and take names later.

Let's do this.

A Prayer

2009-11-09T07:22:00.003-06:00

Dear God:

I haven't prayed in a while, I know. It's got nothing to do with a lack in faith in you and everything to do with me wanting to be an independent spirit and make it on my own.

But I can't do it. Something's truly wrong. I wake up nauseous almost every morning, and I'm not pregnant. Staying up past 10 is an accomplishment, and once I'm sleep I'm OUT. I don't eat, I'm always worried, and reportedly I talk in my sleep now too.

I'm sure my afflictions are my emotions breaking through to a physical medium, where they may actually be acknowledged. I start crying out of nowhere, and honestly if you asked me why I was crying I wouldn't be able to tell you. I get angry at the snap of a finger at the smallest things...to the point of almost cursing out unsuspecting jewellers or almost jumping out the car to destroy a UPS truck that cut us off (true story).

Could stress really be the driving force behind all of this? Or is there something more serious?

I don't want to wake up crying anymore. I don't want to continually pass out at 8 at night anymore. I don't want to snap at Jay anymore, I don't wanna wake up to find out I've called him something truly derogatory in my sleep (I'm so sorry, by the way). I don't want to wake up asking "Can I quit today?". I don't want to go into work knowing that I may be suspended today, or knowing that the end of this month could be the end of my employment just because I've been threatened with the pink slip twice already.

Yes, God, the solutions are easy. Keep your head up. Find a new job. Don't complain about it. Talk to your managers, talk to their managers, talk to HR, talk to somebody. Keep a positive attitude. I've been listening, I swear I have. But as logical as I like to think I am, I also know that I'm an emotion-driven creature, and that if I stifle or try to falsely confront my emotions, eventually they're going to affect me in other ways...like physically.

So first, I pray that you give everyone around me the patience to deal with me...especially Jay. He gets the brunt end of my frustration, depression, and anger and it's not fair.

I'm so confused, God. I don't lead a bad life. I have a wonderful fiancee, my own apartment, and a job where truthfully if I didn't feel so stressed I'd probably have the potential to do really well. I've got a great set of best friends, and even though I haven't seen them in a while I still do care about each and every one of them. I'm finally getting the family support I've wanted for years and years. Why can't I just embrace that and be happy? Why am I continually depressed?

Please, just give me the strength to make it through this. Give me the confidence to not come out of each day beaten. I need to be able to stand on my own two feet and know that no matter what life throws at me, the only thing that can truly make me fall is myself.

Please and thank you, God.

Love,
Demiera

G.I.N.G.E.R.

2009-10-28T09:01:00.005-05:00

So, last week on the fly (as all my somewhat stupid decisions tend to be) I decided I wanted to color my hair.

So to Ulta we go in search of the perfect box coloring kit. After some careful deliberation and help from a friendly associate, I buy the box that's supposed to make my hair look like a caramel delight and head home to start my makeover.

Of course, it didn't matter to me that I've never colored my whole hair before and the last time I tried putting any kind of chemicals in it ended in a big FAIL (that would have been my attempt to do semi-permanent highlights, which also ended up in a mess and a red bathroom but at least it didn't look too bad so I kept it).

Also not factored into my snap decision: the fact that I'd washed my hair that very day (big no-no) and that it's very difficult to see the back of my head with the mirror. Which meant I had to ask Jay to highlight the back of my hair for me.

After about 3 hours of sitting, dropping hair dye all over the bathroom, and some fussing back and forth, I rinsed out the final step of bleach to discover a huge chunk in the back of my head (and a little to the left) was almost completely blonde, while other random chunks and streaks were anywhere from a golden brown to the caramel they were supposed to be, and the front of my hair had some hints of red [because I completely disregarded the warning that said not to color over semi permanent highlights]. My hair literally blended in quite well with the surrounding autumn leaves.

As you can imagine, I was mortified. And I had to go to work the next morning with my hair all different shades of FUGLY.

So straight from my job went we to the hair salon down the street, to see what they could do with my now damaged strands. $60 later, I looked like this:

At least my streaks are now all even. I wasn't going for the redhead look but I guess it isn't all that bad....not that I'm going to do anything to change it any time soon. My poor hair was fried from that whole ordeal. I've finally gotten it back almost to how it used to be but you can tell it's no longer as healthy as it was before :(.

Speaking of hair...it's about time for me to start working on it for work today...

Picture Perfect

2009-10-14T21:19:00.002-05:00

So...Charlie Murphy is DEFINITELY the star of the house now. He's not terribly photogenic. As a matter of fact, he normally swats at or tries to bite my phone whenever I try to take his picture.

This morning, though, I was sitting on the couch attempting to pull my boots on. Charlie Murphy, being the ever attention hungry little sweetheart he is, jumped right into my lap and looked at me with the "don't leave me, just stay here and pet me" face. And for the first time he let me snap a picture that truly shows how adorable he is all of the time.

And I swear if I didn't have to be at work, I would have stopped what I was doing to chill with him. Even now, as I sit on the couch with my feet propped up blogging, he's laying on the floor directly underneath my legs sleeping. Whenever I'm in the living room or kitchen, he's never far away, no matter what I'm doing.

So cute.

Sensing Some Paranormal Activity?

2009-10-07T08:09:00.004-05:00

Finally...I can sit down and blog. It's 8 in the morning and I don't have to be at work until 11 so I'm sitting here with my mug of coffee, ready to unload everything that's been built up.

The night before last Jay and I went to a screening of the movie Paranormal Activity.

Dude.

That movie was fuckin awesome.

Jay, a huge scary movie skeptic, was even spooked. It's got a very Blair Witch Project feel with the whole documentary idea, but it's ten times scarier.

The trailer doesn't even do it justice. Had you seen the first trailer for it, you wouldn't think it was worth watching. For once, the trailer doesn't spoil the movie, let me tell you. And the audience reactions you're gonna see are not simulated. People actually walked out the movie not because it sucked, but because they were so terrified they couldn't stand to watch it.

I can't stress this enough: GO SEE IT.

Development on the job: basically, I didn't get moved into anything clerical.

In fact, they told me they can't keep me in a position I don't want to be in, and on the spot I needed to decide whether I wanted to stay or go.

WTF.

I chose to stay, only (and I do mean ONLY) because Jay asked me to, asked me to stick it out at least until I found another job. Because for once, money wasn't a good enough reason for me to stay at a job. For once, I'm ready to just pack my little cubicle of shit up, all of which would fit neatly into my purse, and chunk up the deuce. I'll worry about the money later.

And though Jay gracefully landed the AT&T gig, is passing training with flying colors, and is more than able to support me, I still want my own job and my own money. So I took his advice, and chose to wait it out.

On the managers' part, they did move me to the more productive side of the floor, so I'm surrounded by people who can help me get money. And I've been staying afloat, not necessarily doing the best, but I'm keeping my nose a centimeter above water level.

I'm thankful to have a job, and glad to have had this opportunity to find out that collections ISN'T for me. Now it's time to move on.

And last but not least, we have a new addition to the family: Charlie Murphy!

He's a 10 month old kitten. We had to drive over to Indiana to pick him up. He's the sweetest little thing, except at night when he decides to pounce on our feet as we're sleeping. And he's a spoiled BOLD little sucker too...will come right up to your carton of ice cream, stick his head inside, and commence eating like it's his.

I've told Jay we can't keep feeding him the table food though. His little digestive system can't handle all that. So we'll see how it goes.

Wow, it felt great getting all that off my chest. Now to get dressed for work :/...

Excuses, Excuses

2009-09-24T08:43:00.000-05:00

I've determined that at this point, when I'm ready to purchase a car, I won't be able to buy a car. I'll need an SUV of some sort.

My revelation came to me as I was attempting to parallel park Jay's 2002 Pontiac Grand Am (nice ass car...I freakin love it!). Recently I've gotten better with the whole parallel thing, but before I was terrible at it in the car, needing to pull out and back in 4 or 5 times before I got it right and didn't hit the curb (or gently nudge another car). Of course, I politely nudged the car behind me and that's when I realized it:

I'm not used to accomodating for a trunk.

Sure, in range they had little Ford Tauruses to learn on, but I learned the street language of driving in my mom's Grand Caravan. Vans and SUVS don't have that extension, so you don't have to calculate your space. You can look through the back mirror and back up as far as you need to without any extra allowance.

Such is not the case in a car. And it throws me off, which is why I do terribly.

Meaning Operation Get-Me-The-Acura-MDX-I-Hinted-At-For-Christmas is now underway in full force...

I made a very important decision at my job. I went to my manager yesterday and requested that I be moved into a clerical position versus being a collector. I'll admit, I was terrified to ask because things are different now from when I got hired. The woman who hired me said that the company won't fire you if you're not a good fit for a particular position; as long as you're working they'll try to find a fit for you elsewhere in the company.

That was before management changed and all the old managers were either demoted or fired (or quit). So even though my new manager is pretty cool and seems like a good guy, I was scared my request would be grounds for my termination, even though it's brutally obvious to anyone who looks at my numbers that I shouldn't be in a collector position.

But I got a reaction quite different from what I expected. The manager actually stops what he's doing, looks at me, and goes "You're dead serious?"

Yes. I am SERIOUS AS A HEART ATTACK. Which I am going to end up having before I hit 21 if you don't move me into a calmer, less aggressive position.

Apparently, he and the general manager had been discussing getting another clerical employee anyway, due to backlog and the amount of duties the clerical positions have to do. So had I not mentioned it at all, they probably would have hired someone else or moved another collector into the spot.

On second thought...I really suck at collecting...So maybe I was the front runner anyway...hmmm...

The Never Ending Cycle

2009-09-21T17:59:00.002-05:00

Come in. Assess the damage left from the morning, when you were too busy getting dressed to care about a mess. Step over the rejected clothing options on the floor, maybe wrappers from a granola bar you scarfed down as you got dressed. Sit on the couch and kick off your shoes. Leave them there, because you're happy to finally be sitting at home. You've been sitting at work all day too, but it's different from the comfort of your couch.

You don't turn the tv on automatically, because your work day flashes in your head and you have a moment of reflection. The silence is a blanket, comforting you. Today was just one of those days, a day others might deem successful but on the inside you were suffering. This isn't the job for you, or maybe it is but you haven't found your niche yet. It hurts because you're not used to this, and nobody understands why a bad day impacts you so much but you're not acquainted with failure, while now it feels like you flirt with it every day. You see your quota, and your goal is crawling up to it, but it never hits. The day it hits is never the day you get rewarded for it, either.

You sigh in exasperation. Do you stick it out? Do you look for a new job? The job search in itself is a job. And beyond that, do you want to give up so easily? Will you appear weak? Will your resume show consistency in holding a long term job, or will they count your search for the perfect job as a sign that you can't hold one?

What is it about your current job that you don't like? Is it the competition? Or the fact you're not doing as well as you'd like?

All at once, you come back to reality and realize you've been sitting in absolute silence for 5 minutes staring at the wall. You want to reflect more, but there's something criminal in spending too much time thinking about work at home so you flip through the channels, searching for some mindless sitcom to immerse yourself in. They're always so delightfully unrealistic, and they create the perfect escape from reality.

At some point, you decide to eat. And at 9:00pm, you fall asleep (despite all efforts to stay awake to watch the game/movie/tv show) and stay in bed until the next morning, when you wake up and still complain about being tired.

And the cycle begins again...

Time For Change

2009-09-19T21:10:00.002-05:00

I've come to the executive decision that I need to change a couple of things in my life. Starting with this blog appearance. It's been with this blue deal for quite some time (I don't even remember when I did this) and I'm getting kind of tired of it. I want my blog to reflect that I am a writer, that I express myself through the use of words, and also to reflect my personality. This dark makes me depressed, doesn't really capture my attention.

And you know a blog needs a makeover if it doesn't capture the blogowner's attention anymore.

I also want to make writing more a part of my every day life, like it used to be. I've noticed with my job and living with someone, I haven't spent enough reflective time with myself, re-evaluating the decisions I make on a day-to-day basis and just pouring out those feelings and emotions I'm not comfortable expressing in any form other than writing.

To be completely honest, blogging became a chore, which is why I haven't done it. I forgot the true reason behind me starting this thing in the first place: as an outlet. A place where I can basically tell-all without restraint, a place where I don't need to hide or wear a mask to hide who I really am. Yes, most people use the Internet to become someone they're not...I'm using the Internet to find out who I really am.

I'm not going to hold myself to a blogging schedule...never have. Any writer, producer, or creative talent knows that inspiration comes when it's ready, not when you force it. My other blog, Cellulary Extraordinary (which I thought had some real potential when I started it) became a chore because I wanted to keep it updated every day. I forced myself to devote time to it. But when something comes from within, and you truly enjoy it, you don't force yourself to do it. You just do it.

I'm also going to start up writing my novel again, a dream I've literally held on to since about the 5th grade. I originally wanted to be one of the youngest authors to write a novel and got pretty damn close more than once too. But I always gave up. I threw 100+ page manuscripts away without a second thought. So as I've promised a long time ago, I'm going to start it up again. And I'm going to share passages with you. Critique them, read them, guide me, whatever.

And in addition to all of this, I plan on starting to write poems again.

Part of this is a result of me not being in school and not wanting to lose the knowledge I've got, at least until I start back again. I also realize that I'm becoming *slightly* dumbed down by all of the television I watch and video games I play and magazines I read. So on my next shopping trip, instead of buying shoes and clothes and hair stuff, I'm gonna buy some books. I need to start reading again.

The change sounds radical, but I'm excited...I need this. I need to get focused again on what I'm trying to do with myself and where I'm trying to go in life.

For now, though, I'm off to find new designs for the blog... :)

Thoughts...

2009-09-18T21:50:00.002-05:00

There comes a time in every one's life when we have to stop and think about what it is that makes each one of us so special and different, and to become aware of what we have to offer to the human race.

I wanted to discover, in a sense, what I'm worth. Not in monetary or materialistic terms, but in spiritual terms. What is my contribution to society?

I don't want to be one of those people who realizes their dream too late. Sure, people will always say it's never too late to find your place, yadda yadda yadda. But there's nothing appealing to me about looking back 50 years from now shaking my head and wondering why I pissed away so many years. At the same time, you want to think that the whole point of life is the discovery of what you're here for, what major life objective were you put here to complete. Because life is full of that, right?

I mean, I look at what I'm doing now. I'm working full-time, living the life of a full-fledged adult...and I'm only 20! But I'm happy. A part of me sees the students around me, wishes to be one of them. I feel like every day I'm getting more and more immersed in television and radio and music and less and less based on books and literature. For that reason, I'm ready to return.

But it's hard to leave the freedom having a steady paycheck can afford. I'm nowhere near ready to go back to being just a full-time student, either.

More deliberation later...

2009-08-13T01:07:00.001-05:00

I should be sleeping. Instead I lay in bed, fully clothed, contemplating. How am I supposed to sleep comfortably when things are going the way they are?

He lost his job, then his home. It's the story so many Americans tell these days. All that's left are memories of the days when money was not an issue and a bond stronger than unemployment or homelessness.

And though I try to stay strong for him, for myself, for US, I can't help but realize I hurt more each day. Adolescent acne has returned to my once clear face with a vengeance; my once even toned skin is blotchy and yellowed from malnourishment, because I won't eat if he isn't. My eyes are swollen and sore from days of sobbing, my lips swollen from wailing and screaming. But the countless tears do nothing but pave the way for more salty emissions streaming down my cheeks, endless waterfalls that can't and will not stop.

My eyelids are beginning to droop and my muscles hurt. So I will lock this pain in a lockbox that will keep it out of my way for the time being.0

Me? A Hypocrite?

2009-08-04T10:42:00.004-05:00

Before I say anything else, let me say that I'm such a hypocrite. You'll find out why a little later.

Facebook is a trip. I don't understand why people take so much literally on Facebook. It's a social networking site, and it's online. Why do you think that everything I put up there is true? And what's more, why do you think that I care about what you say about what I put up there?

I decided to marry Jay on Facebook. Now, it's not exactly untrue but we're not married (yet). Now, if you've ever married someone on Facebook, you know how it shows up on everybody and their momma's page and then the comments start coming in. The funniest comment? A call from a guy I knew way back when who left me a hilarious "you have made a big mistake" message on my voice mail (I saw him call me but wondered why the hell he was calling and ignored it lol).

Hater.

----

Back to me being a hypocrite. I have some news to share:

I bought an iPhone 3GS.

That doesn't sound like earth shattering news, but you have to remember I've been dead set AGAINST the iPhone movement for quite some time.

Oh well. The phone is freakin awesome.

More on that later...

8-5

2009-07-21T19:33:00.002-05:00

Today was my first day of work at my new job.

For security reasons, I can't tell yous the exact name or location of the place I'm working at. But just know I'm pursuing a career in collections.

I know, I know. The first thing anyone does when they realize I'm doing collections now is shy away and go "ewww...you're one of those," all disdainful and such. The second thing they tend to do is say "now if you see MY name, don't call me!" Jay even went so far as to say that if I called him (because he KNOWS he has an account with the agency I work for) that he'd curse me out.

I politely informed him, of course, that should he do that to me that he wouldn't live past 5:05 to tell the tale.

To be quite honest, I sat in a training room today with people who wouldn't dream of doing anything but collections. And the truth is, it's good ass money. Sure, your hourly is gonna be crap, but the bonus check is what you're really there for. That bonus check is what makes all the difference.

I'm actually considering staying at DSW for a period of time, if only for the discount. Which I may not even have to do if I don't want and if the collections thing works out.

I'm also on a mission tonight to speak to an admissions representative to get enrolled in online classes at the University of Phoenix.

My life is finally getting back on track...

Who's Life Is This Anyway?

2009-07-20T15:37:00.003-05:00

So...I got the job. And I couldn't be more happy or proud of myself. As I wrote in my last post, I found this job unaided, and I did everything I needed to do to secure it unaided.

Be that as it may, however, my decision to pursue a full-time job/career has been met with some resistance by a few people close to me. It appears what they want me to do and what I've chosen to do aren't quite along the same track.

The job is quite a distance away from my house, so that created a little bit of discord. But the biggest issue is the premise that by me getting a full-time job, I won't be going back to school. Basically, everyone wants me to go to school full-time and worry about working later. I'd rather work and go to school part-time so that I can have some money in my pocket, be independent, and still advance in life.

It hurts like hell that every time I make some progress, whether it be finding a job or making plans to move out or even going to a school that was below everyone else's expectations, there's always a crew of people there downplaying it and making me feel like shit.

I hesitate to refer to them as "haters" because normally haters don't have nothing so they're jealous of anyone who does. I'd refer to this crew more as the "pedestal bunch". They put someone on a pedestal and if things don't go exactly how they want them to go, something's wrong with that person.

No, I'm not living the life everyone else seems to want for me. And I'm sorry. I'm telling anyone who wants a say in how I live my life that I'm so sorry I can't live up to your standards. I'm so sorry I'm not leading the life you want me to lead. But it's my life to lead. And if I'm happy, you should be happy too.

But I guess I'm not entitled that...

Some Thoughts

2009-07-13T15:16:00.003-05:00

I used to feel terrible about not being in school, about only working a part-time job, about not doing well in certain classes. I used to think that I didn't know what I wanted from life, and if someone asked me I would give a roundabout answer (or tailor my answer to fit what I figured they would want to hear, depending on the person). And I felt horrible for it, because it made me feel like I wasn't finding my purpose.

But I came to a realization today after an interview at a job I hopefully will get (so far it's looking good; I just gotta keep my fingers crossed). All the preparation I did for this position, with the background research and the sending my resume and cover letter and the interview and finding the perfect outfit and traveling to the place TWICE just to see how long it takes to get there and where it is...all that preparation was because this is something I truly want. It's not what anyone else wants for me but what I really want for myself.

It isn't about the position itself. Nor is it really about the pay (though it's a nice increase from what I make now, plus bonuses, plus benefits after 90 days). It's not about me needing to get some sort of professional trade. It's more about the independence of the thing, and the independence this job will grant me.

I found this job on my own. I applied for it on my own, and obtained an interview on my own. I went through the interview on my own, and researched the place and possible questions they might ask me on my own. I did it all myself, on my own accord, with my own motivation. Jay helped me get there, and supported me and relaxed me before my interview and encouraged me. But as far as the work goes, I did it alone. And it feels amazing.

What's interesting is, a family friend extended an offer to me with the promise of securing an interview at the Trump Tower here. And it pays even better than the place I obtained myself. But I've dedicated NO time to pursuing that lead, because to be honest I don't want another job I have to have help getting. I'm not ungrateful; in fact, I'm very thankful he thought of me for the position. But I would just rather do it by myself.

To me, the means of obtaining something is more important than the thing itself.

I would have loved to live in a tiny apartment with my mom growing up versus the lovely three bedroom home we live in now with my grandmother. Sure, the quality of living would have decreased significantly, but an apartment would have been ours. I would have sacrificed the luxury of the big house to have the feeling that it was something we worked for ourselves. Because nice things aren't quite as nice when you don't have to work for them. Part of what is so humbling about life is struggle.

When I get older, I want to look on the things I've done and the goals I've achieved and have the sense of knowing that I did everything I did with hard work and determination and that I have nobody to thank for my success but myself and those who supported me. It may sound crazy, but I'd rather live modestly and comfortably but independently than to live lavishly but to know my success depends solely on the discretion of someone else.

-----------

On a livelier and completely unrelated note, I got a gift from Jay about a week ago: rose colored Louis shades!! Look for their debut in an upcoming post.

The Day After

2009-06-29T11:11:00.002-05:00

It creeps up ever so slowly, ever so quietly, waiting for the right moment to strike. Moments of loneliness, moments of self-reflection, moments when one has nothing but their own thoughts to occupy them. It waits in the deepest and darkest of corners, crouched and ready for attack, preying on the vulnerable and the naive.

It's grief.

I didn't think I'd feel quite as sad going through this whole ordeal given my thoughts on not being able to support a child and needing to get my life together first. But I've got an unshakeable lump in the back of my throat and a nauseated feeling in the bottom of my stomach, and I feel the tears just waiting behind my eyelids.

Everyone's told me to think of it as God's will and to be glad I didn't have to make the decision on my own. which I've adopted as my belief. Or at least, tried to. It's easy to make myself believe that that's the truth, especially when heard from those who have been through what I've been through and knowing how they reacted.

But this loss is...traumatic, in a way. I was 8 weeks along, and in that time I went through a lot of sickness and call-offs and ginger ale and peanut butter crackers and extra sharp cheddar cheese and running through the city for the *right* dill pickle. I gave up my ability to wear heels because they made me lightheaded. And though I was sick often, I kind of liked the idea of having a child.

See, I don't think there's a certain age people should wait until to get pregnant. If you're self-sufficient and able to take care of yourself, and you're responsible, then go ahead and have a child. The time is different for everybody, I just know that at this point in my life I'm not responsible or self-sufficient enough for one. Which could be why God took it away from me.

And I know I should be reasonable about everything and just be glad I'm still alive and didn't bleed to death or any other complication from the incomplete abortion or the surgery. But there's something inside of me that still wants to ball up and cry. A part of me still feels terrible over this loss, and I just don't know how to get over that pain.

Luckily, I've got a lot of support from my family and friends, so I don't have the feeling I had when I first found out that I was going through it alone. And I know when it is my time to have children, I'll be healthier and they'll (hopefully) be healthy and I won't have to feel any guilt when I announce the news nor will I feel the need to hide it from anyone.

I just want this new pain to go away...

Live From Room 1005 (Updated)

2009-06-28T07:03:00.004-05:00

*Sigh*

I thought after my last hospital episode I was done with the whole hospital scene...

Okay, that's not completely true, and I didn't tell you guys the whole story.

See, I went into Cook County for shortness of breath...came out with an infection...and (dare I say it) pregnant.

Yes, yes, you read right. Straight up, lightheaded*morning sickness*headaches*weird cravings* excessive fatigue preggo.

I didn't intend on keeping it, but after a week passed I got attached to the little thing. It was certainly attached to me, sucking all my energy and making me sick...or so I thought.

See, you're not supposed to bleed AND have cramps while you're pregnant. One or the other is fine, but both is a bad sign. So off Jay rushed me to the hospital again, this time to Saint Mary.

After laying 5 hours with needles and ultrasounds and speculums and all other tests, I found out that I was miscarrying because it wasn't developing properly...to be completely technical, it wasn't developing at all. I didn't even know something like that could happen.

So here I am, blogging to you live from my hospital bed with an IV in one arm and a bandaid from a recent blood test on the other. My cramps are getting progressively worse today and I'm hoping the doctor comes in soon so we can alleviate this pain.

As far as emotionally...I'm holding up ok, not the best but I'm not in pieces either. Though the original plan hadn't been to keep it, I didn't expect it to happen this way. I guess it's better my body is doing it naturally, but I still wasn't quite prepared for it.

And once again, Jay stayed with me *almost* the entire time; I sent him home around 5 this morning to get some sleep and do some other errands because I felt so bad for him sitting in the chair next to my hospital bed, unable to sleep or get comfortable. It didn't help that the first time he finally agreed to leave I almost started crying (really couldn't help it; even though I didn't want him sitting in that chair I didn't want to be alone in the hospital room ), so another 30 minute disagreement ensued until I finally fell asleep and he awoke me just to say goodbye and made me go back to sleep promptly. And even when I texted him a little while ago he was still apologizing for leaving my side. But that wasn't even the kicker. The kicker was the care he took in making sure I had food when I got to my room, going home just to get entertainment for us for the night, bringing me something to change into and all my favorite foods and drinks (though after midnight I wasn't allowed to eat anything else), combing my hair when I had the IV, and snapping me back to reality when the cramps had tears streaming down my face and I was ready to break down.

I don't know how I would have made it through all of this without him.

**********************

I had to stop my story here to impart a very important message and lesson I've learned to all my fellow bloggers out there or anyone who stumbles upon this blog: follow your intuition.

That seems like such a "common sense" thing to do, but as you know, this blog is aptly named for this reason: you'd be surprised how many people ignore their intuition and end up getting into trouble later.

I say this because when I first started bleeding, everyone but my store manager thought it was no big deal. Everyone said "don't worry, it's perfectly normal, women still go through it during their pregnancy, you're okay".

I haven't gone through it since April. You can't tell me its normal to skip two months then all of a sudden start back again...something's not right with that picture.

However, I do tend to exaggerate my symptoms (a simple headache can turn into a brain tumor if you'll let me think about it long enough) so I decided to chill out, do a little Googling, and see what happens.

Well, we see what happened.

Listen to your intuition because it knows better than anybody else. Only YOU know what you're feeling and what's going on in your body. If something doesn't feel right, question it. Get to the bottom of it, and then you can move on. Don't let everyone else try to quell what your body is trying to tell you.

We're given intuition for a reason. All we've got to do is listen to it.

----------------------

New Events:

When I told ya'll the story earlier, it was a little after 7 in the morning. As the hours ticked passed, I started having the WORST cramps of my life...come to find out, they were really contractions. So basically I was in labor for 9 hours, getting these horrible tear evoking contraction/cramps every 6-7 minutes.

Pregnant women can imagine. Let me tell you this: if babysitting or fear of AIDS wasn't a good enough method of birth control, those contractions sure were. It was the absolute worst pain I've ever felt. I'm not looking forward to feeling that pain again any time soon.

At around 4 the gynecologist finally came in (they'd been promising her arrival since 6 in the morning) and it was time for my D&C. I wasn't looking forward to it, but I needed those cramps to go away and this was it.

The anesthesia was da bomb...I wonder if they'll let me take a little home with me. The anesthesiologist said "you're going to sleep" and two seconds later I was OUT. I woke up high as hell in the recovery room. Then the nurse pumped me full of morphine and anti-nausea drugs. I'm telling you, it's the first time I've felt relief since yesterday morning and it feels amazing.

I'm due to finally leave here sometime between 9 and 10, provided all my vitals are fine. If not, I'll be out of here tomorrow morning. Which is fine with me.

As usual, I'll keep you all posted.

Charlie's Angel/Thriller

2009-06-25T18:11:00.003-05:00

Today, we lost two greats:

I'm not going to spend a lot of time going into details...all you have to do is tune into any major television station (except WCIU) and you'll get details on what happened. Farrah died of cancer, and Michael went into cardiac arrest.

My prayers go out to the families of Farrah and Michael.

You all will be missed.

Change of Plans

2009-06-16T09:51:00.002-05:00

I'm about to start working out, changing my eating habits, and becoming healthy.

I know, I know. This is one of those things that's going to be REALLY easy to procrastinate with. I can already feel the potential excuses building up:

-I don't have any appropriate exercise shoes.
-I have asthma and I don't wanna collapse while trying to walk/jog/run.
-It's raining outside and all I wanna do is sit in the house eating flamin hots and watching South Park.

And other such random reasons for NOT working out.

But it's for a good cause. I'm in terrible health (even if my vital signs don't wanna prove it). I've had a headache almost every day for weeks. I'm tired. And I attribute it to my terrible eating habits and innate laziness. I might have a high metabolism but it doesn't mean I need to just eat junk food all day and sit around. That's not good for the body or soul.

I always say that if healthier food were available I'd eat it, but because healthy food isn't available I don't. So that's going to have to change too. I'm going to have to determine a healthy diet that's going to work for me, seeing as I'm not trying to lose weight but am just trying to be a healthy 120 lbs vs 120 lbs of fatty sugars and salt, which is about all I eat these days.

Don't get me wrong...I'm not cutting Oreos out of my life forever. But I notice that when I was a kid eating three meals a day every day (sans sweets other than every once in a GREAT while) and getting anywhere between 7-9 hours of sleep a night, I was much MUCH healthier and you could have even called me athletic. Those were the days when I climbed rock walls and ropes and could run a decent mile. But now that I'm averaging around 5 hours of sleep a night and one halfway decent meal a day, I can't do anything without running out of breath, getting lightheaded and tired, etc...

I gotta start drinking water, too, which is a bit of a problem only because I'm very particular about what kind of water I drink. I prefer tap to bottled water because I grew up drinking unfiltered Chicago tap water (arguably some of the most delicious water in the nation). Bottled water, with the exception of Fiji and Smart Water, always seems to taste processed and plasticky to me.

Aside from health reasons, I have another reason for wanting to get healthy: I am trying to become a Chicago Police Officer, with plans for promotion into the narcotics unit or some other interesting endeavor. I've been doing some research, and I'll need to get my bachelor's before I can apply which is okay seeing as I can (hopefully) knock that out in three years provided I stay on my grind and stop playing around. There's a psychological test, which I should be able to pass, a drug test, which I KNOW I'll be able to pass, and a physical fitness test, which I'd FAIL terribly if I took it right now. But I'm keeping my eye on that goal, and if I continue staying out of trouble for the next few years I can definitely do it.

Sidenote: I know I had been stuck on the business thing for a long time, and it was a toss-up between being a lawyer and being a businesswoman and all that. But I never knew specifically what I wanted to do. Being a police officer means I get to put my affinity for law and writing together with helping the community, protecting the good, and busting the bad guys. And...not gonna lie...I've got a little bit of "school girl" excitement over the thought of wearing a uniform that everyone's got to respect with a bad ass gun on my hip. I'll have to get in touch with my friend in the NRA to figure out what gun I'm gonna replace my police issue with. But that's a whole different topic.

So that's my goal. It's gonna be HARD. And I know there's gonna be a lot of bumps and falls along the way. But I'm excited and amped and ready to get the ball rolling. Let's just hope that this time I can KEEP this resolve.

Just A Question...

2009-06-13T20:02:00.002-05:00

What is happiness?

Is it a fleeting emotion, like anger or sadness? Something we can only enjoy in the moment as it's happening and then watch it float away just as quickly as it appeared? Or is it more long term?

If we're talking happiness in terms of daily pleasures (spending time with a significant other, feeling instant gratification from a job, buying things to make you happy), then I'm a very happy, fulfilled person. My day to day life goes just fine. I have fun with the people around me, get the chance to spend a lot of time with the person I love, I have a good time at work and with customers, and because of that job I'm able to buy (some) things I want or need.

But if we're talking long term happiness, as in long term career fulfillment or feeling like you've found that niche, I'm completely down and out on that one. I haven't quite found my slot in life, though I think I'm starting to get close. I actually finally have a career goal in mind (as in this is the exact position I'd like to hold, this is what I need to get there, and this is where I want to go after that), and it's already made a huge difference. But the fight is far from over.

I've had a lot of time to myself today to think and reflect, something I haven't done in quite some time. And in a little bit I'm actually going to write everything down on paper. It may help, it may not, but it's worth a try and if I can get some kind of validation from doing it then I guess it's worth it. It's a start, though, and I can't possibly lose anything through the effort.

I'll be keeping everyone posted.

Shooting at the Museum

2009-06-10T14:36:00.003-05:00

Freedom of speech is probably one of our most treasured (and consequently most abused) rights.

It's nice to live in a country where we're *supposed* to be able to believe whatever we want to believe and think whatever we want to think without interference from others or the government.

If only it were that simple.

The recent shooting in the Holocaust Museum in DC is a terrible reminder of the lack of respect, dignity, and honor some Americans seem to have. The whole point of us having freedom of thought and speech is to prevent persecution from others, and yet what do we have here? Some old ass idiot white supremacist who decided that the Holocaust wasn't horrifying enough and decides to go shooting up a museum.

What was he trying to prove? What point was he trying to get across to his audience? What statement was he trying to make? Because from what I can see, all he was able to prove to us is that he's a bigoted fool. It's just his own little "end of life" stunt that he decided to pull, an item on his twisted and insane bucket list.

To the press: Don't mention his name. Don't let anyone know who he is. If you do, you'll generate just the kind of press and attention he wanted to create. Punish him as you wish: send him to prison, let the Texans put him to death, set him out in front of a Mexican firing squad for all I really care. Hell, you can blindfold the bastard and make him cross the freeway Frogger-style. But don't mention his identity. He doesn't DESERVE the public's knowledge or acknowledgement of who he is. His name doesn't deserve to fall out of not one person's lips. To acknowledge HIM is to give him the justification he was looking for. I don't know about anybody else, but I'm not a huge fan of doing that. I say let the man wither through the rest of his existence in jail knowing everyone knows what he did but no one knows his name. Let him deal with the fact that his "valiant" effort to promote his own beliefs and his move to prove a point did NOTHING and that we as a nation won't give him the satisfaction of enjoying infamy.

What the hell is wrong with people these days?

Cinco De Mayos

2009-06-08T08:32:00.003-05:00

I officially bought my first pair of Jordans a few days ago.

I know I'm about a month late with the whole Cinco de Mayo thing (seeing as that WAS in May) but the shoes are still hot.

I had never purchased Jordans before because when I was younger I tried getting some and they didn't fit properly, and I was discouraged from ever owning them. I wouldn't say I'm obsessed now, because I'm still a bit of an Air Force One/Chuck Taylor girl myself, but these don't look quite as basketball-ish as some of the other ones do.

Only problem is, I don't have enough red and green in my wardrobe to justify those colors, but whatever. I'll work it out.

----------

I went to Jay's house after work yesterday and when I got there he confined me to the living room where he had ordered my favorite type of pizza [pepperoni] and bought my favorite pop [Sierra Mist], but he wouldn't let me go in his room.

After we ate, he turned all the lights out in the house, took my glasses off, covered my eyes, and led me into his room.

My jaw dropped.

He had hung scented tea lights all over the wall which gave off the most perfect amber glow. He had changed his comforter to a fancy gold one (we're talking 5-star hotel quality) and had put these pretty red, gold, and white pillowcases on all these pillows. And there were all these rose petals spread in the middle of the bed. It looked like something you only get to read about in romance novels or see on tv but never get to experience in real life.

On top of all that, he gave me the most wonderful back, leg, and foot massage with aromatherapy massage oil.

I needed that last night more than ever. My back was hurting from all the shoe moving I was doing at work, I was sleepy, and actually a little cranky. Plus it was starting to storm when I got off work so I was a little nervous too. But he made all of that go away and it was the most wonderful thing I've ever experienced.

What's the most romantic thing anyone's ever done for you?

Lost

2009-06-07T10:02:00.003-05:00

Ya'll know I often have a favorite song of the week...a theme song, if you will.

When I first heard this song, I had no idea it was Gorilla Zoe (remember him from that horrid "Hood Nigga"?). It sounded a little too chill for that. But it's a pretty flame song. It's a little depressing if you listen to the lyrics, but again the beat is real chill and Lil Wayne adds fire to the track.

Enjoy!

Long Night

2009-06-04T18:45:00.003-05:00

What a trooper.

I've been suffering from shortness of breath lately and have been feeling a generalized sense of sickness even though nothing in particular seemed wrong. So when last night I started breathing hard out of nowhere, Jay decided to take me to the hospital. Now, I've mentioned before somewhere that Cook County is where you go to die. But that's where I ended up going because that's the place for people who don't have insurance.

When we first got there they sent me to a special room for asthmatics since I had the shortness of breath. But the doctor became slightly stumped when he found out I was short of breath but that all my vitals were fine and I wasn't wheezing or congested. So he decided to take a urinalysis. And we found out I have an infection (goddammit). They pulled some blood samples and when they did I had a FIT and started hyperventilating and shaking. I probably scared the crap out of that poor nurse. Then they moved me onto a random bed in a hallway and hooked me up to an IV with saline solution to try to stop the shortness of breath. I kept asking for Jay so my nurse personally went out into the waiting room and got him, which was around 3:00 am. He stayed by my side until after 11:00 this morning, even through the continous IV treatments, blood sugar tests, and chest x-rays.

That's why I said what a trooper. Poor guy had been up early yesterday, up all day, didn't get any sleep last night due to my tossing and turning and lack of air, stayed up in the hospital til this morning fully awake refusing to leave my side even though I kept telling him to go take a nap AND even though he almost got kicked out for not having a visitor pass. And even after we finally left the hospital he refused to go home but instead took me to IHOP just because I mentioned having a taste for pancakes.

I'm doing a little better now but I've still got this generalized laziness and fatigue that lasted since yesterday morning, plus a nagging consistent headache. I gotta go back tomorrow to get my medicine (vitamins, antibiotics, and albuterol for the asthma) and luckily I don't work again until Saturday so hopefully by then I'll be feeling a little better.

I just found it so odd that I came into the hospital expecting to get a puff or two of an inhaler and being able to go right back home and ended up finding out I have an infection that's causing me to feel bad and would have only gotten worse had they not found it.

Modern medicine is amazing.

Stay In Your Lane

2009-06-03T07:49:00.003-05:00

I almost had a nigga moment last night, ya'll.

For those of you not familiar with the Boondocks or the concept of a "nigga moment", it's basically when ignorance overpowers the mind of an otherwise logical black (wo)man, causing them to act like a "nigga".

I say "almost" because I managed to hold on to just a little logic. But last night was no joke.

Jay and I went bowling last night. The problem was that the group of people in the lane next to us have no bowling etiquette whatsoever. Now, had they been little teenagers or something with no obvious bowling skills to speak of, I wouldn't have been so bothered because, well, I'd charge it to them never having really played the game before and so not knowing. These people were grown ass MEN who obviously had a little skill to them.

So I couldn't understand why they were all up in MY lane when they weren't even bowling, why they had to walk in front of us when they were bowling, and why they didn't have the common courtesy to wait for the person next to them to bowl before running up to the foul line and heaving their ball down the lane.

I wasn't so pissed the first time some idiot decided to wait until I was lining up my shot to just run up from left field and take his shot instead, fucking with my peripheral vision and throwing me off. I got teed off when some dude randomly walked right in front of our lane in a STUPID attempt to influence his ball by walking (because of course the magnetic gravity of our bodies will pull the ball in the direction you walk in waaaayy after you've released it) and almost got trampled by Jay who was in the process of approaching the foul line but who had to turn around. I got PISSED when a dude just kept standing in the bowlers area all in my way so I had to maneuver past him to bowl in my own lane. All that together, plus the REPEATED occurrence of these events, made me furious.

And when I say furious, I mean itchy hand I'm bout to slap somebody furious.

Irrationality made me pick up a 12 pound ball like it was 5 lbs and just fling it down the lane. Rationality (the only thing that stopped the nigga moment)kept me from flinging it at one of their heads.

And the only reason I was rational at ALL was because we were on the North Side, and they'll kick you out of an establishment in a minute, and I didn't want Jay banned because I decided to go upside someone's head with a bowling pin for being in my way.

The only good thing that came out of it was that in my fury I actually threw a couple of good balls and ended up winning the game.

And in hindsight it really wasn't all that serious enough to get THAT irritated over. But then again, that's what made it a classic nigga moment contender.

I just hope next time something like this happens I stay rational. Cuz the results could have been disaster.

Upgrading

2009-05-23T10:10:00.004-05:00

Sooo..I haven't blogged in a REALLY long time.

Sorry, guys.

I've been very busy lately with a couple of things...but I'll go ahead and give you a quick update on the goings on in my life.

I'm still at DSW. And it's...okay for those who like it. I'm more of a computer type so the whole retail/customer service deal isn't really my bag. But it's an easy job. And the discount keeps me there...at least until I find something a little more tailored to my skills.

=>Sidenote: i just applied for a data entry job today. Cross your fingers!

I'm gonna be a model! I was at work a few days ago and a customer walked up to me and asked if I wanted to be a model...and I said yes! She needs my measurements for an upcoming show, and I have a fitting session today. I'm sooo excited about this opportunity I don't know what to do! Hopefully it all goes well!

Definitely not the least important, though, of all the new occurrences in my life: I have a new boyfriend! We've been together for over a month and a half and it's been the best time of my life.

I'm gonna refer to him here on out as Jay. It's so funny because we're basically carbon copies of each other (with the exception of me being able to outeat him almost every time we go out to eat) and we've been through a lot of similar situations so it's very easy for us to get along. We have a lot of fun together. You'll be seeing a lot more of him in the blog.

Oh and one more development: I got my nose pierced!

Did it hurt? Not really. I did almost slap the guy's hand away as he was in the process of piercing. And yes, I was bamboozled. I thought he'd use the piercing gun but he used no such thing. I've wanted my nose pierced for some time but the motivation to finally do it came partly from Jay and partly because I want it healed by the time I get an office job (in case they don't allow it). That's a pretty bad picture but it's actually very adorable in person =).

Those are my updates so far...tune in next time for more!

Under My Skin

2009-04-15T20:40:00.000-05:00

*Sigh*

You're trying real hard right about now to get to me, and the fact of the matter is...its working. A little bit. You know I know what's going on (and if you didn't...now you do). I've got a lot more connections than you think I do, and I know SO much more than I'm letting on. But that's beside the point.

I can't tell whether all this is something you really just chose to do or if its just for my benefit. I get the feeling its more the latter than the former, but what do I know, right? I mean, I was right all along about everything, but for some reason you still wanted to play it to the left and pretend like I was talking out the side of my neck. I knew what I was talking about when I noticed the things I noticed about you and *the other*. I'm no dummy. I've been through some foolishness in my life and I already know what bullshit smells like. So you may have gotten away with murder for a while, but eventually I got smart.

It probably makes you real happy to think you've gotten under my skin. I just don't want you to flatter yourself. Yes, I'm slightly bothered by this whole situation. Yes, I'm fully aware that in the bigger scheme of things this shouldn't be an issue seeing as "we" are not a "we" anymore. I'm also fully aware that I am human, and being human means having the ability to feel emotion...so I'm entitled to a raised eyebrow, a loss of a few points on the self-esteem scale, and maybe a pang of anger. Im entitled to an "I cant believe THAT happened" moment or two.

But the one thing I don't feel is regret...and truth be told, regarding you I never will. And unlike a lot of people, I've learned to control my emotions to an extent. Its hard, and it doesn't protect me against knee-jerk reactions to the things you do. What it DOES do, however, is prevent me from allowing other people to determine how im going to feel. Granted, you used to have the power to turn that safety mechanism of mine off. But I've got my power back.

And as always, I still find this all quite humorous. But, do what you do homie as long as you do what you're doing for YOU and not for my benefit. Think about it this way: if you're doing things just to get a reaction from me, who's REALLY got the upper hand?

BFF Field Trip!!!

2009-03-28T09:22:00.003-05:00

Today, me and Bff decided to take a little field trip. She had a job interview today so we drove from Chicago to Dekalb. I figured it would be fun to catch up since I haven't seen her since I moved back home, and I haven't been to Dekalb since the New Years fiasco so I figured that would be interesting too.

I had a weak moment, guys. I saw some things I really didn't agree with. And heard some things, and just went through some unnecessary drama. I wanted to curse *a certain person* out. I wanted to write this long entry about...everything, and say all kinds of things.

But I'm in Dekalb with my bff, and it's pretty damn rude to spend my time focused on insignificant *people* when I'm supposed to be hanging out with her. It's really not all that important...

I Disagree...

2009-03-18T10:39:00.002-05:00

Things that just have made me go wtf???...

1. Facebook changed the layout AGAIN...smh...(sidenote: I had no idea what "smh" meant until yesterday...lmao!!) Although it's definitely become more stalkerish, I can see how it's a little easier to use than the old Facebook.

2. I love how people do things they think are gonna bother you but they really don't. For instance, don't you just love it when someone says something simply to get a reaction out of you, especially when the expected reaction is hurt or anger or jealousy? Why would you do things just to *try* to make me mad? If I react to what you do, it implies that I care (key word: implies). So if you say or do something, whether indirect or direct, and I don't respond, it doesn't mean I didn't see it. It means I'm sitting somewhere laughing my ass off saying "wtf...for real? People actually waste their time doing this??"

3. I also love how people think you owe them something or are obligated to give them special privileges when they really don't deserve them. Like, just because you call out to me I'm supposed to stop what I'm doing to answer. Or just because we have some sort of relationship (be it work, personal, whatever) I owe you something. I don't owe anyone ANYTHING...and no one owes me either. If you do something for me, it's a personal decision YOU made. If you go through life doing things just to expect something in return you're going to be a very disappointed person...

4. Chivalry is NOT dead. Believe it or not, there are still men out here who do sweet things like drop you off at the door of the restaurant and open doors and pull out chairs and carry your bags when you go shopping and won't go somewhere without asking if you want something and drive across states just to see you for an hour and carry you across the parking lot when you're wearing four inch heels and it's cold and the car's not far enough away for you to just wait for him to pull up in front of the door like he normally would...I know these men exist because I'm talking to one now =)

5. I think the decision to change the name of the Sears Tower is selfish and silly. I will never call it a "Willis" nothing. This is even more selfish than changing Marshall Fields to Macys and taking Carson's off State Street. The Sears Tower is an internationally known and recognized building, people...you can upset a city and get away with it but the whole world???

6. I just discovered FML today and I'm having mixed feelings. On the one hand, some of the stories are pretty damn funny. On the other some are really really REALLY lame and not really what I would consider an FML moment. Of course, I can't stop reading...

7. Why is Chicago weather on crack? We had a week of temperatures in the 20s and 30s and all of a sudden it blasts up to 73. Now it's in the 50s and rainy. People were in shorts and tank tops yesterday (not an exaggeration) and today there are people wearing winter coats. And people wonder why everyone in Chicago is always so sick...

8. You know you're lazy when you decide to take a nap before getting up to go eat (even if you're starving) just because your bed is too comfortable to get out of.

I think I'm done for now...I'm sure I'll think of more, and hopefully if I'm not too lazy I can post them =)...

Work Ethics

2009-03-08T00:46:00.000-06:00

I have a low tolerance for bad working conditions.

I've been working for all of three months now, and clearly my seasonal status has been transferred to part time status, which is good. But some things are starting to happen that are making me ready to break out the ol' resume and get to hunting.

First, we're experiencing a huge change in management. They took the two GOOD managers and sent them to a struggling store and left us with the other two somewhat cool but not that hot managers. So now we have a new manager (who clearly isn't too new because he's been there before) and an acting store manager to fill in until our real new store manager gets here.

The change in management is tolerable at best. What sucks, though, is how they've been treating my time and the time of select other employees. Thursday night they made me do an extended shift and close even though I really didn't need to be there. Friday I had to come in early and then the manager tried to make me stay later even though I wasn't extended and again had NO REASON TO BE THERE. And tonight I worked a DOUBLE EXTENDED SHIFT (which don't even exist) and had to close, which resulted in me not getting home until 12:30 am. Add in the fact that time skipped ahead and technically my ass was out until 1:30.

When I say that's some bullshit, I mean that's some bullshit.

I've stayed way too many unplanned extended shifts, and covered way too many unexpected call offs, and now I guess its expected that im supposed to just always be freakin available. My problem is I cant say no, not because of money but because of my work ethic and I know that its good when you make sacrifices for the sake of the team. This time was just particularly infuriating.

So for now, I will bite my tongue and bear it. Ill work the extra hours. Stand all day in those damn high ass 4 inch stiletto boots I wear to work to promote the brand (which works) and go home with sore feet. On Fridays I will prance to the bank. And all the while ill be perfecting my resume and applying to school. This is not where I want to be for another 6 months, much less the rest of my life.

Something To Groove To

2009-02-19T13:35:00.003-06:00

So I had plans to do a big post...but then I got lazy (don't I always?).

So today I'm introducing a few songs I've been crazy about for the past couple of weeks.

1. No Use - Jazzanova feat. Clara Hill

They play this song at work all the time, and I've gotten addicted to it. It was my theme song for a little while. It's got a jazz-ish vibe, but it's by a group of German djs...go figure...

Used to miss the hidden signs, what am I supposed to do?

2. Prototype - Outkast

This song makes me want to step everytime I hear it (and if you don't know what steppin is, come to Chicago to a backyard party with a bunch of people who grew up in the 70s and 80s and throw on a song like this and you'll see what I mean). It stayed stuck in my head for weeks.

I hope that you're the one...if not, you are the prototype...

3. On The Ocean - K'Jon

Another crazy stepping song that's also pretty inspirational. This is another song that will have everyone who knows how to step racing to the dance floor or any open area they see to start stepping. Even people who DON'T know how to dance will be over there just because they don't want to feel left out.

Right there on the ocean, I know my ship is coming home...

I hope you all enjoyed my musical selections!

On This Day 20 Years Ago...

2009-02-16T00:22:00.000-06:00

...A baby was born, weighing in at less than 3 lbs because she was 7 weeks early, in a hospital in Weisbaden, Germany.

(Pssst...that baby is me =P)

I've got plans for a big V-day/birthday/blog birthday post, which I will have up hopefully tomorow (because ill be damned if I spend my birthday in front of the computer), so be on the lookout for that.

Ill holla at yall later...

Caramel Apple Spice

2009-01-29T20:20:00.000-06:00

If you've read any of my blog posts from the summer, you know how much of a starbucks hoe I am. Like seriously I need to be a Starbucks Rewards member or something (it costs $25, but on some real shit im considering the investment). My new favorite drink: the caramel apple spice. Its an orgasm in your mouth. Like for real that drink is freakin awesome.

If I were a stripper my name would be caramel apple spice. Well, maybe caramel spice for short...lol...

I've been doing waaaayyyy too much shopping lately...like for real its not even funny. Between visits to the nail shop, purses, and shoes, my poor little paycheck just dwindles. But despite all my shopping, I've saved more money now than I ever did before (imagine THAT) so I guess I deserve to buy something every now and again...

Thought for the day: 20/20 hindsight is a bitch sometimes...

A New Blogger On The Scene!

2009-01-24T01:59:00.001-06:00

Brilliance must run in the family.

My 10 year old cousin Nia (who is really more like my little sister than anything else) has just created her own blog...and snapped! So of course, being the big cousin/sister that I am, I gotta promote her page on my page. So if you've got a few seconds, hop on over to niasjuicycoutuer.blogspot.com and see what she's done.

Im so proud of her!! =)

The Best Medicine?

2009-01-19T12:05:00.000-06:00

Im a big fan of tyler perry movies. They're funny but they deal with real issues.

So tell me why halfway through Meet the Browns I was crying?! And I don't mean stray tear crying. I mean body shaking boohoohoo shut up with all them tears crying. Dramatic "them aint even real tears" crying.

I know why I was crying. It had been building up for weeks. First of all, I was scared. The movie drummed up a few of my insecurities about the way my life is heading and where I could have been versus where I am now, and where I might end up. So I was crying for myself. Second...I just got over a breakup a little while ago and im still kinda reeling from that. Add in stress and day to day pressures and I think I deserve a tear or two.

They say laughter is the best medicine. But laughter is a short term fix. Laughter makes you forget, but it won't make things go away. I had nightmares (even if I just dozed off for 20 minutes) for days, every day, without fail, until the night I cried. I haven't had one since.

Does that mean tears are really the best medicine? What do you think?

Update!!

2009-01-09T09:19:00.002-06:00

It's been so long since I last posted that I almost don't know what to write anymore.

What's been going on with me? The holiday was a whirlwind of good times and bad times. I almost didn't have a Christmas spirit, then found it just to lose it again. We won't even talk about my New Years...let's just say there's been a couple of HUGE changes in my life as a result that I don't feel like I can talk about right now because it's all too fresh and I haven't yet learned to control my emotions regarding it.

Have you ever been so tired it makes you angry that you're as exhausted as you are? Or so sad that the thought of crying hurts? Or have you ever been so happy that people can spot you from a mile away? I've felt all of these things over the past few weeks.

I've been working my ass off at DSW, and for the past couple of days I did a project with one of my previous bosses. The experience was certainly worth it. It reminded me of what I really love to do, which is work on a project that involves high organization and a certain level of independence. It also reminded me of how stressful that kind of employment is. I've had a dull headache for three days and my diet has consisted of pepsi (I'm a Coke drinker myself but when it comes to a caffeine fix I don't discriminate), flamin hots, and brownies. Plus the occassional ramen noodles or ravioli.

For the record, I'm not going back to Dekalb this semester, and if things go the way I want them to in Chicago, I'm never going back. It took being at home for me to realize that I don't like the college town scene. I like to be in the city, where I can work and transportation is easily accessible and there's a Walgreens or McDonald's on every corner and where I can work a decent job and go to school as well and finally get my life back on track from the *ahem* stumble I just took.

OOHHH. And a bit of sadness (for me, at least. It's nothing earth shattering). I have to part with my beloved Tweety coat!!!

Give me a moment so I can compose myself.

That coat has been with me for the past 3 years. It's made it through the harshest of winters, the mildest of falls, and springs, and the forgotten tone of summer. The Tweety became a little trademark for me when I first got the coat and made me easily identifiable to the world. It was a little big, and it spit feathers in my clothes every time I wore it, but it was a good coat nonetheless and it will be missed.

Now I've moved on to a more fitted Southpole coat. Not gonna lie, I really like the gold accents and fur around the hood, and it fits me much better than the Tweety coat. But still.

That's basically all for today...I promise I'll start writing more when I'm not so tired all the time.

Gotta Make Those Moves

2008-12-17T01:03:00.003-06:00

I hate it when I do this.

I get super fired up about an idea that I KNOW will benefit me in the long run if I just do it. Or I read a self help book and am ready to change my life, to be successful, to have a better understanding of the world. And then, halfway through, I lose steam. Suddenly the why nots outnumber the whys and I leave the project hanging, only to come back to it later and abandon it again.

I'm tempted to blame it on laziness, but I know I'm not lazy to the point of stupidity. Besides, laziness is an assumed trait and one that can be very much controlled. No, there's some greater emotion that's keeping me from starting a self-enriching project and actually seeing it through.

Fear.

What I'm scared of, I don't know. I'd like to say it's easy to point out, like a fear of rejection or a fear of failure. The fear I speak of is different: it's the fear of losing something when you've got nothing to lose. It may not seem like much of a fear, but I believe it's what holds me back now.

If you've ever read a self-help book such as The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People or Don't Sweat the Small Stuff or even Think and Grow Rich, and you read it seriously, you may begin to develop this motivation to get out and be a better person. I know I do, every time I read one. I always want to start fresh and wake up a new person. And for a while, my new ideals will stick. I'll make goals, have dreams, and become determined to be in control of my life.

Then something happens. It happens when I try to write certain blog posts. It happens when I have great ideas. I just lose steam, suddenly and almost irreversibly. I either forget what major goal I'm aiming for, or I determine that my steps won't lead to that goal and I just give up. And I'm ashamed that I do that.

I say this because right now I had the goal that by January, I'd be employed at a law office in Dekalb. Never mind not having a law degree. Never mind my lack of formal legal training. I just know that I want to work in a law office so that I'm sure law is what I'd like to pursue. And so I started the task of looking online to find law offices relatively close to campus that I'd be able to get to relatively easily. And I found some.

Then I thought of reasons to whittle down the list. I'm not interested in family law, though I'd probably be a sympathetic listener seeing as my own family situation hasn't been the most ideal. Strike out those lawyers. I can't travel too far away from Dekalb, so strike out those lawyers. An 11 firm list went down to 7, and by the time I was done reading through the limited information I could find online, I had only written down information for 2 offices. During this time, I started berating myself. This is a stupid idea, I started thinking. It's not going to work. And that's what I'm always doing. I wouldn't apply for a certain loan because I was convinced beforehand that I wouldn't qualify. I wouldn't ask for help because I was sure I either wouldn't get it at all or that the help I did get wouldn't be helpful. I won't take chances, because I'm afraid to fail.

But enough is enough. By not trying, I'm essentially failing worse than I would have if I tried and got a "no". At least I would have the satisfaction of knowing I'd tried my hardest, and if it's not meant to be then it's not meant to be.

Now I'm off for a midnight snack, and then to get the information of EVERY SINGLE ONE of the lawyers on that list. I'm also going to research the clerical duties required of the job, and find out what it is that paralegals do with the hopes of shadowing one or becoming an assistant, just for job exposure. I'm going home tomorrow, and drafting a letter that I'm faxing/mailing to each law firm. I'm also revamping my resume (not lying, just adjusting) for the position I'm looking for. With luck, I'll hear from the firms within a week, and I may be able to work something out for the rest of the year and even beyond that.

I just hope this time, my resolve doesn't wear out.

Welcome To My World

2008-12-15T09:29:00.000-06:00

That's what I would have said to him if it were me.

I was sitting on the train on my way to work, my headphones in my ears, blissfully minding my own business. First let me explain the CTA a little for yall. We have different colored lines; my train goes south into downtown. From the first stop to downtown, all you see are black people with a few mexicans and fewer white people. Once the train hits downtown and heads to the north side the demographics flip and there are all white people with few blacks and mexicans.

A white guy had gotten on the train with his bike, and was partially blocking the entrance to the train so if someone wanted to get on he would have had to move his bike. But I resumed my world watching out the train window. Suddenly there was this huge commotion, and as I turned I saw a black woman slap the mans bike out the way, throwing a huge thermos down the aisle of the train that splashed everywhere (im so glad I wasn't sitting over there). Apparently shed asked him to move and he didn't so she pushed the bike out the way.

Im not an advocate of force, so I felt a little bad for the guy. But the fight was not over. The woman stood up to exit the train and the shit really hit the fan. They exchanged some heated "fuck you"s and he called her a few kinds of "bitch" and THEN he said it:

"It's hard being white in a black man's world!"

Yall, when I say I was dying laughing, I mean Im sure I was red from trying to keep from bustin up out loud. Im laughing now as I write this, and it definitely happened like two days ago.

On the one hand, that's the funniest shit I've ever heard, and something I never thought id hear. On the other hand, Im insulted. I immediately thought about how we have a black president now and I don't appreciate the thought that just because we have a black president this is a "black mans world". Because the truth of the matter is, we're still the minority. We still get persecuted, we still have stereotypes, we still are, in some places, oppressed. People are still prejudiced against us.

However, that was just so funny and random that I had to share it.

Work has been good. They taught me how to work the register, and hopefully they'll start putting me on it more. I like working with money. I don't like walking the sales floor as much, but my coworkers make it fun sometimes and often the customers are nice.

And by the way, partying and working retail do not a very happy Demiera make, so Im spending today recovering my feet which are rebelling from being stuffed in 4 inch stiletto boots and nursing my very empty and very unhappy stomach back into full health WHILE fixing the knees that give out every other day.

The things we do for money.

Out of the Darkness

2008-12-09T11:11:00.004-06:00

Life is one hell of a roller coaster.

There are two roller coasters that I've rode that would perfectly describe my life. One, the Raging Bull, is at Six Flags Great America in Gurnee. The other is El Toro at Six Flags Great...Adventure (?? maybe) in New Jersey. The Raging Bull, the tallest roller coaster at the park, doesn't go upside down but plummets you from high, high up all the way underground. The first hill was so high I screamed at the top of my lungs as we dropped but NO sound came out. That should tell you something. And as for El Toro: I had a huge panic attack and almost passed out when we got to the front of the line and it was almost my turn to get on, so that alone should tell you how bad THAT ride was for me.

So for me to compare my life to these, you know some crap is going on.

Yesterday I called the city college close to my house to find out what my status would be if I applied to be a student. And you know what they told me? I can't apply. Because I have that balance from Northern I can't get my transcripts. And I MUST submit transcripts from any institution I've attended to apply. Therefore, unless I pay that balance, I'm stuck out of school.

On the one hand, I can understand the system. They don't want students going around stiffing schools and then coming to them and possibly leaving them a bill. I'm not angry at the policy. I'm angry at the system that made school so GODDAMN expensive that helped get me to where I'm at today.

When I found that out yesterday, I cried for an hour. Disbelief and shock turned to pure anger and hatred, and I raged about the system, the government, and greedy educators. i cursed the whole world. I cried and raged myself into a pounding headache.

But I woke up today a different girl. And when I showered this morning, I prayed. Sure, a shower is a weird place to talk to God, but I just wanted to be cleansed from head to toe and I figured that was the best place to do it. I asked God to help me, to find a way. I told Him that I knew he was trying to tell me something, and that I was ready to listen. And the bathroom seemed brighter, and I felt lighter. I came out of that shower ready to fight. There's no turning back or giving up now.

My aunt told me last night that everything happens for a reason. There's a reason I found out that I can't apply to Chicago State. To go to a city college would be to run away, to allow this problem to fester and wait for dealing later. I need to challenge this beast head on. I've even started to think of it as a blessing in disguise. Things fall in place for a certain reason. There's a reason I happened to walk into DSW with an application when the hiring manager was there, and a reason I started training four days later.

And there's a reason I'm happier in Chicago. My uncle knew what he was talking about when he said to come back. I have emotions, emotions that run deeply for Dekalb and the people there. For my boyfriend, who I didn't want to leave the most. For my best friends, my roommates (who I feel excluded from sometimes but honestly, they're good people), the world there. But in Chicago, I'm removed from all of that. I've been able to focus on myself and on doing what I need to do to make things better. I still have my connections to Dekalb. I miss Amardo and my friends terribly. But for once I needed to put my business and life ahead of emotions and others, and I needed this distance more than anything I've ever needed. I've always felt that focusing on myself was selfish, and that I should spend as much as my time making other people happy, because I get joy from bringing happiness to others, from knowing that my influence has made some change in their lives. But in order to give happiness you must possess it within yourself.

And I've also learned it's time to let go. Of the past, of what happened before. Letting go doesn't mean forgetting; it means learning the lesson to be learned and moving on. I've made a lot of mistakes. I carry physical scars but my mental scars are much more numerous. But it's time to heal. The time for grieving has passed. The time for depression has passed.

I'm ready to fight.

We Need A Resolution!

2008-12-05T21:33:00.001-06:00

Its time for my annual writing of my New Years Resolutions list. Yes, its a month before the list is due, but I like to have a rough draft handy in case I procrastinate and have to rush at the last minute to do some much needed reflections. So today, I present to you my resolutions for bettering myself.

My first resolution is in 2009, im gonna be the shit to ME. Fuck what everyone else thinks. I spend so much time concerned about how someone else is gonna react to decisions I make about my life that I forget to do what makes me happy.

In 2009, im letting my inner strong black woman come out, that woman that somehow managed to get buried somewhere in my many facades. The strong black woman that is Demiera does not take nobodys bullshit, will not be taken for granted, and will command not demand respect.

In 2009, I will find myself a theme song. And I don't mean no stupid songs I just happen to like a lot. I mean how like girls adapt Beyonce's songs runnin around dancing and screaming "if you liked me then you shoulda put a ring on it!". Kirk Franklin's Imagine Me was doing the trick for a while, but I need an upbeat song for 2009.

In 2009, I will come to terms with my own inner gangsta. And I don't mean the fitted lovin chain wearin gangsta. That's comin to terms with my inner ghetto. My inner gangsta has more of a Scarface appeal. So in essence. Im gonna be more powerful. And gangsta.

In 2009, Im gonna stop worrying so much about the past. Its history and I cant change it. What's done is done. All I can change are my actions here and now. Im just going to focus on that and forget the other bullshit.

Whew! Okay, im tired now. Its been a longer day than I even care to think about, and tomorrow promises to be longer. Ill come back with the next installment of my resolutions...whenever =P.

First Day Jitters

2008-12-05T06:54:00.000-06:00

Last night I bustled around, making sure everything was perfect. I tried on my outfit, shoes and all, to make sure it was the look I wanted. I even styled my hair while wearing my clothes to further complete the look. My bag is packed. Funny thing is, its 7 am, I've been awake since 5:30, and I don't have work until 10. Sounds like a good case of the first day jitters to me.

Unfortunately, I've awakened in a hoooorrrrrible mood. And the bad thing is, if my mood had a description it would be "fuck you". Fuck you, fuck you, I don't know you but fuck you too. I think the caffeine I drank before I went to bed had a negative effect on me, prolly cuz ur not really supposed to sleep after you drink caffeine. And it doesn't help that when I woke up it was butt ass cold in my room...so now I don't wanna get out of bed at all.

I mean, we're all entitled to these days. I just wish mine had come any day BUT today, when I didn't have to wake up and go smile in people's faces and tell them how gorgeous the shoes on their feet are.

Although I have to admit, waking up wanting to fight somebody is far superior in my mind to waking up nauseous and hurting, which I've done quite enough of (out of depression, guys, not pregnancy. Lord knows I couldn't handle THAT at a time like this).

The time for me to get up and start getting ready is inching near, which is actually what I wanted, and Im pleased to announce that Im back to nervousness and excitement for my first day, not anger and violence. Ill keep you posted.

Rollin The Dice

2008-12-04T19:30:00.001-06:00

If life were a craps table, I'd be rolling straight 7s.

My phone rang, and it was a 312 number, so I figured it was from DSW, maybe to announce a change in schedule or something. So I answered. But it wasn't DSW at all. It was GNC (gotta love the acronyms lol) asking if I was still looking for a position. Hell yeah I am! One job is good but two, especially when they are 2 minutes apart, is phenomenal. They asked me to come by the store after Im finished with my shift at DSW.

If I thought I was on cloud 9 when I found out about DSW, Im in heaven now.

This throws a rather difficult monkey wrench into my plans to return to Dekalb, though. For about a week I've been wrestling with whether or not I should just swallow the cost of my apartment and stay in Chicago, or whether I should go back to Dekalb and leave my job. At first, both were on an even keel. But now I just don't know. Going to Dekalb is a blind gamble, and id be sure to crap out. Staying in Chicago is safer...and certainly looks smarter.

But I just don't know. I've really gotta think this through, and quickly. I just hope I make the right choice.

Been So Long...

2008-12-01T10:01:00.000-06:00

I know its really only been a week since the last time I wrote, but it feels like forever. I still don't have internet =( so I'm still trucking it on the sidekick which means I cant comment on anyones posts. But I am still reading!

New Development #1: I HAVE A JOB!!! Im now a sales associate at DSW. Its a designer shoe store, but it sells its shoes at discounted prices. Im EC-freakin-STATIC about this, mainly because I need a job, but also because I love shoes and purses and I get a 30% discount not only at DSW but also at Filene's Basement. If I were able to upload pics I'd show yall my pretty name badge but I can't yet so I'll work on that later.

New Development #2: Amardo and I are talking again. I hadn't blogged about it but two weeks ago we got into a horrible fight and broke up. It took days before we could even speak civilly to each other and it wasn't until Friday that we really made up, since Friday was the first time we saw each other since the fight, seeing as he's in Dekalb and im still in Chicago. I just hope things stay the way they are because I really like where we're at right now and I don't want it to change.

New Development #3: I have revived my faith. For a time, I didn't want to believe in anything God related. But Tuesday, I decided to pray. It wasn't to God...I was really having a talk with my grandfather, who passed away when I was conceived (so I never met him but feel some strange connection to him). I prayed for wisdom, guidance, and strength. The next day I got the interview at DSW, and by Saturday I was offered the job, with yesterday being my official hiring date. In addition, after praying, my relationship with Amardo got much better. I could say its a coincidence, but I like to think Bigdaddy is my guardian angel and that he's looking out for me.

Things are finally getting better for me.

2008-11-24T19:18:00.000-06:00

Have you ever heard of the Visine trick? Its thought that putting a little Visine in someone's drink will put them to sleep.

I turned into a little junior Mythbuster yesterday. I figured eye drops cant be all that bad for you since you put them in your eyes. And since I didn't have anything better to do, I could devote the day to sleeping. So I poured a few drops (okay more like 10) into a 1\4 full energy drink and got to drinking.

Halfway through the concoction, though, a little red light went off in my head as I realized that maybe drinking Visine wasn't the smartest idea. And a quick search online confirmed my fears: Visine can KILL you, kids!

So of course Im shitting bricks because I know I've consumed at least 5 drops and it doesn't take much to make you sick. It is POISON, after all.

For a few moments, I sat in absolute terror. I wanted to tell someone so they could keep an eye out for me. Maybe give a sistah a shake, just to make sure I hadn't passed out or choked on my own vomit. But I knew what I had done was so absolutely stupid that I couldn't tell anybody.

I chugged as much water as possible to dilute the effects. And then I fell asleep (so I guess it DID work). When I woke up the shit hit the fan.

I felt miserably nauseous. Like, I-wish-i-would-throw-up-already-and-end-this-pain nauseous. And I felt oddly cold, even though I was wearing street clothes, laying under a comforter, and my skin was incredibly warm to the touch. You know how you can feel so sick that no matter how grown or strong you are you just curl up in the fetal position hugging yourself and whimpering for your mommy? That's how I felt.

The feeling went away after a few hours, thankfully.

Moral of the story: leave the mythbusting to professionals. And eyedrops are poison, so don't spike someones drink with them. You will go to jail.

Camera + Boredom =

2008-11-19T23:26:00.005-06:00

Today I had one of my biggest "cam-whoring" sprees yet.

You know how you take a pic of someone and catch them off guard and those are some of the best pictures ever because you only see that person's true personality in the picture?

Someone tell me how the hell I managed to catch myself off guard??

I was also experimenting with the peace-sign-puckered-lips-DAMN-dis-gurl-got-attitude look.

Oh and before I show you the spawn of my Shitkick camera and intense boredom, I'd like to allow myself a moment to brag: I did my own acrylics, painted on a design on my own, and even applied rhinestones! BY MYSELF, YA'LL! They may not be professional grade, but from a distance I think they look pretty good, and instead of paying the $30 I'd have to pay for this, I only paid $20. And that is going to last me for the next 3 nail jobs. I'm pretty excited right now!

(I'm sorry if I sound conceited...I'm not quite sure what's gotten into me today. I don't usually feel this way about my own work, honest!)

And so, without further ado, I present to you: the Wonderful World of Me (for like the third or fourth time)!

The New Facebook Profile pic, and my third fav of the day

Looks like someone snuck up on me and caught me drinking a Coke, right? WRONG! I took this pic myself =)

Gurl-Got-Attitude #1

The camera could have given me a little pigment in my skin, geez! I look like a Lite Brite!

You may not be able to see the design but I did these myself =)

Decided to give a sad pic

Okay, maybe two. This is my second fav pic of the day

I only chose this one cuz of how my hair looks!

My fav pic of the night!! Love it!

Insomniac

2008-11-15T02:16:00.000-06:00

It starts off with you feeling like you just can't get comfortable. You're too warm, you're too cold, the pillow's not soft enough. You're hungry but you're too lazy to go to the kitchen for a snack. You think maybe a drink of water would do you good, but if you're not getting up for food you certainly aren't about to get up for water.

You turn the days events over in your head. Then you plan for tomorrow. You think of where you're going and what you're doing. If you have obligations, you think of those. You might contemplate your outfit.

Your mind continues to drift. You start daydreaming (nightdreaming?) and scenarios pop in your head. You mull over how things in your day could have gone differently had you done something different, and you stage out these different scenarios in your head.

You look at the clock...its been an hour since you first laid down and you haven't slept. The little sleep you did get was interrupted by a poorly timed text message, and you're left wondering why your phone can wake you up on vibrate but not on the maximum setting. Now you're starting to feel slightly frantic...you want to be sleep more than anything, but your mind won't relax enough to allow it. You start nervously counting the minutes, not realizing that your increased surveillance of time has made falling asleep much more difficult.

Its time to break out the tricks.

I don't mean sleeping pills, either. I got addicted to Benadryl for a week. It was so bad I had reasoned with myself that I was taking it to prevent sinus problems in the morning. Ha!

Instead, there are three things I do to fall asleep. First, ill read or write until my eyes get sore (hence this post). If that doesn't work, I do a breathing exercise where I breathe in for 7 counts and breathe out for 7 counts continuously. It must help because I never remember falling asleep when doing it. But my favorite thing to do when I can't sleep is eat something cold, preferably a popsicle. I do this because more often than not the only reason I can't sleep is because im too warm. Eating something cold cools my body down quickly and enables me to fall asleep.

What about you? What do you do to fall asleep? Share the wealth!

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End note: I think Sidekicks must have united and decided to all be on some bull. Right after I read that Andre's sidekick wasn't letting him comment on people's posts, my sidekick started acting a fool. So Im sorry if I don't respond to your comments or comment on your blog right away...im still reading, I just can't comment right now. Blame it on the Sidekick. Makes me want a G1 even more now...

2008-11-12T22:09:00.000-06:00

Maybe it was the fiery post I wrote, throwing my faith almost to the wind. Maybe it was my change of atmosphere, and going from the uncomfortable surroundings of all students while im the only one at home to a place where everybody is still at home. Maybe it was the fact that opportunities started opening up when I went home.

Whatever it was, it snuck up, took hold of my sadness, and sucked it away. There is no longer that element of depression in my demeanor, no longer a sign that I am a person bent and burdened by my circumstances.

I think it was hope.

-----

He dropped the battered, torn sock in my lap and looked up at me expectantly. I don't think a boy should be playing with a pink sock, but of course he never listens to me. I don't think he realizes what it means to be gay.

"Want me to pick you up"? I cooed, much like someone would speak to a baby. Apparently im not supposed to talk to him like that, but I don't care. He looked at me with those big adorable eyes and cocked his head. I always wondered if that meant he was listening. I held my hands out toward him, and he stepped backwards shyly, bowing his head. It didn't seem to be fear as much as modesty, as if he wanted to sit in my lap but didn't want to admit it.

I grabbed him under his legs and lifted him into my lap, and he immediately curled up and rested his head on my knee. Big as he is, he always seems to come to rest in my lap perfectly. He let out a shudder and a sigh of comfort and fell asleep.

He is the one who hears me enter the house when I put the key in the door, and the one who will sit at the gate and whimper until I come say hi to him. He remembers me even though I leave him. He sits in my lap quietly, leaving everyone else to wonder what I've got that they don't.

I love my dog.

-----

I want to thank everyone who reads my blog for reading and continuing to come back. And I want to thank all of my blog friends (and yall should know who you are ;]) for continually giving me support and guidance during this very difficult time of my life. You've all come through at the right time. Words can't describe just how thankful I am for you guys. Id be losssttt withoouuttt yoouuuuuu....
=P

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I've wrapped my head around the goal of writing a book. I've had this goal for YEARS and have never finished it. I've written at least 3 manuscripts that were close to or exceeded 100 pages and regrettably lost all of them. So Im starting from scratch. Don't be surprised if I start writing in a more narrative voice. And if you're lucky, I might post excerpts. Whenever I stop procrastinating and get started =P

Taking Things Into My Own Hands

2008-11-08T12:32:00.004-06:00

All right, God, you got me. I don't know who you are and I don't know what you are, but if you really are controlling my life right now and you're the reason I'm going through what I'm going through, then I've got a bone to pick with you.

They say you'll never give me more than I can handle. I don't know what I did to make you think I was so resilient and strong, God, but you're taking this whole "life challenge" thing overboard. I have no choice BUT to accept what curves life throws at me, because the only exit you have out of life is death and that's a one way street I'm not trying to go down right now.

I want to know how many of my life circumstances you were responsible for. Was it you that made my parents divorce? You who made my father nothing more to me than a point on the horizon, untouchable and unreachable? You who allowed the people closest to me to steal from me? Was it you that burned me out during my senior year of high school, a burnout that subsequently led to me not even being in school at all right now? Was it you that kept the employers from calling me, you that took my car away, you that made me so easily influenced by what everyone else thinks of me?

If it was you, then why? What have I done to deserve this? What have I done to make you think that I, of all people in this world, have to go above and beyond to prove that I'm strong enough to handle what you've thrown at me?

So here I stand, angry and confused. You're supposed to be my guiding light, the solution to all my problems. And yet whenever I trust my problems to you, I only end up more disappointed and more upset.

So God I've decided to take my life out of your hands and to take it into my own. I'm sick of waiting around for you to finally decide to make things go right for me. I'm sick of doing what I think I should be doing and leaving the rest up to you. I'm tired of praying to you to make things right, tired of crossing my fingers, tired of looking up to the sky for answers only to get silence in return.

I don't know how much of my life I'm supposed to attribute to you, but I guess that's not something I have to worry about anymore.

As far as this whole "you challenging me"thing goes, continue to send problems my way. You seem to be on a pretty good roll now, so don't stop. Only this time, I'm not falling for the trap of asking you for advice anymore. You give some pretty shitty advice, God. You know what's never been wrong, though? My intuition. I'm going to start listening to that. And you know what? Sometimes I just need to feel like someone cares. Sometimes I need a hug, a shoulder to cry on. I feel like shit on a stick when I cry and I need someone to verbally tell me that everything will be okay. And so far, you've never given me any hugs or rubbed my back or wiped away my tears or even made me feel like things will turn out okay eventually. But my boyfriend has, and has always been there when I needed him without exception. So I'm listening to him. And I'm not always sad...I have friends who make me laugh, friends in person and friends through my blog, people who give me something else to talk about other than what's going on in my own life. So I'm going to continue to laugh with them. I've got a family who has never hesitated to help me when I need it, people in my life who took over when the ones who were SUPPOSED to be doing their job just backed down and left me alone.

Matter of fact, just knowing that I'm doing things for me now makes me feel so much better.

I still have a little faith, skeptical as it may be. I still listen to gospel, and the few times I do go to church I'll still take what the reverend says into consideration. I may even continue to talk to you sometimes when I'm alone and I need nothing but silence.

But I know who matters to me most and who really give me the support I need, and you just aren't making the cut right now.

No hard feelings.

Going Home Again

2008-11-07T16:45:00.003-06:00

Well, I'm heading back to the Chi today, for what could be the next few months.

I don't want to go. I mean, my friends are out here, and I'm scared that if I leave here I'll never come back. I mean, I've somehow got to pull almost $8,000 out my ass by really the end of this month to even have a chance at being back here, and I'm just not seeing how that's gonna happen.

I'm going back to Chicago to get a job, and that's why I'm so afraid. What if I get a really good job that I don't want to leave? I'll have followed the path of so many before me, so many people who went to college and dropped out. I don't want to think of myself as a dropout, not when I love school so much. But that's how I feel. And I don't want to go to any other school than NIU, especially because if I go anywhere else I'll be a full year and a half behind everyone else (since my credits won't transfer). But I don't have a lot of options now.

I'll still be online since the Sidekick has internet, but I won't be posting nearly as much as I was before (and I've been slacking on that, so that's saying something).

I just hope this all works out.

What's This "Soda"? It's Called POP!!

2008-11-06T15:24:00.005-06:00

Do the Dew!!!

Let me start out by saying I'm not an avid Mountain Dew drinker. I prefer Sierra Mist and Sprite to Mountain Dew any day. But as far as these new flavors are going, Mountain Dew is KILLING!

First I tried Mountain Dew Revolution (the one on the far right). I was at a gas station and saw it and was thirsty, so I decided to give it a try. It was good enough for me to want to get one every time I went to the gas station. It tasted like a slightly less powerful blue Amp...basically, it tasted like blueberry pop. My curiosity was piqued...I wanted to taste the other two flavors.

It took a few weeks before I came across Supernova, but as soon as I saw it I KNEW I had to cop it. Supernova tastes like a slightly less powerful red Amp. If Koolaid comes in strawberry, that's what Supernova would taste like. I should probably clarify that I don't know what flavors Koolaid comes in because I only pay attention to the color (You got some red koolaid? Naw, I don't like the green one, how about that blue one??).

Again, weeks passed, and I stuck with Supernova, unable to find Revolution or the mysterious third flavor. Until today, when I discovered Voltage. Voltage is supposed to be Raspberry Citrus but it tastes like grape Amp, which isn't a bad thing.

By the way, I just discovered that Mountain Dew and Amp are both made by Pepsi (just happened to have an Amp in the fridge) which explains why I can't help but compare these new flavors to Amp.

If you're a pop drinker, and you liked Code Red and Livewire (two very good flavors, I might add), then give these new flavors a try. Apparently people are supposed to vote on which one they like the most. I wish all three would stay on the shelves; they're all really good.

The Day History Was Made

2008-11-05T14:53:00.003-06:00

People will ask: where were you when it happened?

I was in my living room when CNN projected he was the winner. The room was in a state of suspended disbelief: was it true? Had he really been elected? I didn't want to believe it so soon; I didn't want to be disappointed. And then, the camera went to John McCain's concession speech, and I knew it was over.

The jumping and screaming and yelling didn't happen until later last night, when I went outside to see a HUGE group of people just smiling and cheering and screaming and running through the streets. People in their cars rode around blasting "My President Is Black" and hanging out their windows.

But the realization of it all, the history that we had just made didn't hit until this morning when I watched the news and suddenly tears came to my eyes, tears that are starting to come back even now. We have a black president. Just sit for a moment and let that sink in.

We have come SO far from the days when black people couldn't go to school or drink from the same water fountains as whites and couldn't vote to having a black man in office. I'm sure there are so many older people who lived through the civil rights movement who were just crying their eyes out to see this (I know Jesse Jackson cried).

A black man from the south side of Chicago is now going to be the President of the United States.

If that's not progress, I don't know what is.

Congratulations to our new President, Barack Obama!!!!

Anthem Of The Week

2008-11-04T18:29:00.002-06:00

I'm busy watching the election coverage right now, so I'm not gonna spend an insane amount of time blogging. This song, though, is worth mentioning. It's definitely my Anthem of the Week not only because I've been listening to it nonstop since I first heard it this weekend, but because the beat just perfectly describes a beat I'd love. Here, just listen to it for yourself...

By the way, this song is called "Cash Flow" by Ace Hood. This is a ridin song for real!!

You Can Vote However You Liiiiikeee

2008-11-03T21:52:00.003-06:00

If you've never taken the time to watch anything else I've ever posted here, never taken the time to read anything I've had to say, never listened to any of my recommendations (then again, if you didn't do any of that, why are you here?), then for your own sake watch this video.

Students at Ron Clark Academy made probably the best politics song I've heard since School House Rock. I know I can get hype about some things (read: the T-Mobile G1, which I'm STILL drooling over) but this video definitely melted my heart.

Note: it's funny they say "we can vote however we want" even though they're DEFINITELY like 12. But it's still nice to see that youth are at least somewhat educated about politics and what's going on, even if they can't vote yet. It's a lot more than a lot of REGISTERED VOTERS can say.

Obama on the left, McCain on the right, we can talk politics all night and YOU CAN VOTE HOWEVER YOU LIKE!!

Major shout out Bushra for putting me on this video!!!

Please, everyone, vote tomorrow. History is in the making...why not help make it?

Where'd They Go?

2008-11-03T00:25:00.003-06:00

I was initially gonna post about my Swag On Ten songs, but realized my list wasn't quite developed enough for that, and I'm not in a "swag" mood... I'm more of a club banger type mood. So today we explore the question: Where'd They Go?

All the artists I'm about to present released a song or maybe even a couple of songs that had everyone jumpin, poppin, whatever. These songs made you think that maybe the artist had some potential...and then they go and disappear from the face of the earth.

1. Cadillac Don and J-Money - Peanut Butter and Jelly

Cadillac Don and J Money released one album, Look At Me...and it was absolutely horrible. With the exception of the intro and like three other songs, this cd sucked, and maybe that's where their career went.

And did anybody else find it odd that ol' dude's name was Cadillac Don but he said he only rides Chevys...dude needs to get consistent...

2. One Chance - Look At Her

First of all, these guys could sing. And they could dance. And they were fine! They had all the makings to be the next B2K. But where did they go?

I know ya'll remember this song. I love this video...that coordinated jump thing was hot!! I wish I could do that!

Look At Her

3. Purple Ribbon All-Stars - Kryptonite

Where did these guys go? Kryptonite was that jam, and I love Body Rock (the song they play at the end of the video). Don't remember the song or the video? Have no fear, I've got it posted right here:

Kryptonite (Dirty Version)

4. D4L - Betcha Can't

Yes, D4L was more than a one hit wonder. They actually came out with a song with the Alliance not long ago (that Tatted Up song...c'mon now, don't tell me that song didn't make you want to get to a tattoo parlor IMMEDIATELY just so you could feel justified singing the song). But now we got Shawty Lo off doing his own thang (they know, they know), and I'm wondering where the group has disappeared to!

I would have chosen Laffy Taffy, but I thought this song was better. Not to mention they play a little Laffy Taffy at the end of the video, so you get the best of both worlds.

5. Jibbs - Chain Hang Low

This is the song that forever changed the way I sang the ice cream truck song. The idea was genius, I won't lie, and paved the way for more songs of it's kind. Jibbs didn't disappear immediately, coming out with King Kong, but it was nothing compared to this ghetto Chain Hang Low.

And here my list ends for the night. I'll have more songs next week...or whenever I'm not too lazy to make a new list, whichever comes second =).

Feelin' Kinda Sunday

2008-11-02T12:55:00.003-06:00

Hey Mr. Sunlight,
Gonna outshine your bright
It's just the beginning of a happy go fun day
(happy go fun day)
and I'm feelin' kinda Sunday (Sunday)
Feelin kinda Sunday (Sunday)
Feelin kinda Sunday
I'm so there
La, la la la, la la laaaaa!!

If you're not aware of what nonsense I'm talking about, it's the song from the State Farm commercial they play when the football game is on. I get to see that commercial a few times every Sunday when I watch the Bears game, and it never gets old. I love it.

Matter of fact, here's the commercial so you can see it for yourself:

Honestly, I don't know why I love it so much. Maybe because every time I hear it, I get in the football mood.

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flack <-- Thrown in by Big Bro as I was trying to blog. I tell you about these distractions!

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I experienced sadness at a player being hurt for the first time today.

Kyle Orton, starting quarterback for the Bears (and much better than Rex Grossman, in my opinion) was doing excellent as usual. He had actually just run his very first touchdown rush in his career, and you could see how excited and happy he was to do it. It was a good play.

And then, a few plays later, he got injured. He had the ball, was down, and some guy from the Lions clocked him in the leg and hurt him. We sat in suspense, and I'm sure we were thinking what everyone in the stands or on the Bears team was thinking: "Get up, Kyle, c'mon, get up!"

And he got up, and we cheered. He talked shit to the guys who hit him. He limped a few steps, and hit the ground again. There was no way he was walking off the field. And for a whole minute, as the action unfolded in real time, a sense of shock and sadness gripped the field and I'm sure those watching at home; it certainly gripped us. The camera panned to Bears fans covering their mouths; one woman looked like she was crying or on the verge of tears. And Kyle was given a standing ovation as he was driven off the field.

Kyle Orton isn't the best quarterback in the NFL, but he's been having one hell of a season this year. Every game he just seems to show more and more that he should have been starting quarterback all along.

I just hope he gets well soon.

FAIL

2008-11-01T19:36:00.005-05:00

You know how now they have these funny pictures online of things where people do stupid things, and then they have a huge FAIL somewhere just to make things even worse?

That's what I felt like earlier today.

If you'll notice, my blog looks a little different. The picture has changed, the description has changed, and my link list is noticeably shorter.

Why? Because I tried to change my template yet again, and ended up with a great big FAIL.

I lost almost all of my widgets. The only things I maintained were my shoutbox and my followers list. All I wanted to keep consistent was my link list, because that takes the most time to update.

So if you look on my list and you're not there, don't fret or get mad. Just drop me a comment and I'll add you.

I'm going to keep messing around with the theme of this blog because, as we all know, I can't stick to one theme for more than a few months, and it's definitely past it's limit.

I Guess I'm Supposed to be Scared?

2008-11-01T01:27:00.003-05:00

Tonight is (well, was at the time of this post) Halloween night. Ooooooo.

On college campuses, Halloween night is a chance for all the "good girls" to dress like sluts and get away with it. They purchase outfits like the one you see to the right, and they do their hair all pretty and wear the perfect bra and strut around in 30 degree weather with no coat trying to look cute for a party.

They don't even get free candy out of the deal.

Last year, I was a freshman. I fell into the trap of being able to wear a sexy Halloween costume. Biggest waste of money ever.

See, what college students don't seem to realize is that when you're a student, you have more financial obligations. And though I had the money at one time to buy a costume, I just couldn't justify spending that much money on a one time outfit.

If I want to be revealing and show off my figure, I have plenty of figure-revealing clothes in my closet that i don't have to reserve for a purely fictional holiday.

The thing is, nothing special or out of the ordinary is going on. It's going to be the normal frat parties this weekend, where the normal people come out and dance all drunk because they've more than likely pregamed before they even reached the party.

I've reached an epiphany on this whole college drinking thing. So many people are so anxious to drink, but for what? They take back shots, which are disgusting, and they buy bottles of cheap vodka and juice and carry it in water bottles. But what for? For the sake of being drunk? Of waking up and not remmebering the night before? At the risk of making a complete fool of yourself in front of people you may or may not know?

I went to the frat last night for a costume party (I wasn't really dressed like anything, just stuntin as usual) and there was a really REALLY drunk girl. The thing is, I know the girl because she lives on the floor under Big Bro and so I see her at his apartment a lot. And she's a pretty cool girl. But last night she was more gone than a monkey on crack. She fell asleep on the couch showing her ass under her costume, she slapped the guy who tried to pick her up and carry her into the back (with no bad intentions, only to remove her from the main party), and - get this ya'll - she started playing with herself on the couch in front of the entire party. She was going at it!! It was probably the nastiest thing I've ever seen in my life. Finally, I was able to talk her into getting up and going into the back room, where she passed out until this morning sometime. I don't know when she went home or if she knows what she did last night, but I know anybody else who was there remembers, all too well.

I'd like to propose this. If you know a female who drinks way too much, and she gets sloppy when she's drunk, and it's a bad look and you want her to shape up, call Maury and throw her on the show!!

Just kidding.

Someone should make a documentary about drunken females and tape real live drunk females in action. This is no Girls Gone Wild franchise, more like Crackheads Gone Wild. If the girl has an ounce of common sense and doesn't want to be trashy, she'll change her drinking ways.

If not, she's a lost cause, and you'll just have to wait for her to grow out of it, while in the meantime denying that you are associated with her in any way.

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Important sidenote: I had a free burrito from Chipotle today, and it was satisfying and delicious. For $7 a pop, though, they're pricey. Chipotle joins Panda Express on my list of foods you gotta budget for to eat. You can't just jump up and go to Chipotle or Panda Express on a whim; that's what McDonalds is for. If you wanna eat at one of those two places you'd better plan in advance.

Unless, of course, you're rich enough to afford an expensive Halloween costume, in which case you obviously don't care much about where your money goes anyway.

To Legalize or Not to Legalize

2008-10-28T14:23:00.003-05:00

It was first used in China and India, then brought to America as a gift from a Turkish sultan. It's explicit use causes no deaths; it's not addictive, it has few negative immediate side effects other than dry mouth and red eyes, and there's no conclusive evidence of an adverse effect on youth.

So why is marijuana illegal?

Let's Take It Back: To The Original Law

The Controlled Substances Act of 1970 was not the first act to ban marijuana. A man named Harry J Anslinger, the commissioner of the Treasury's Department of the Federal Bureau of narcotics, headed the effort toward banning marijuana. He was unmotivated by any real risks of weed, though. His reasons for pursuing the movement against marijuana were founded in racial concerns directed at Mexicans in Southwest states. Anslinger effectively tied a distrust of immigration with outlandish claims that the drug makes people "crazy", is a gateway to other drugs such as cocaine and heroine, and is an "assassin of youth". He manipulated the media, driving the public into a fear frenzy.

Around this time, a ban on machine gun tranfer was being created. This ban stated that a person could only transfer a machine gun if they paid for and possessed a special stamp from the government, a stamp that the government was not making. The act was certainly deceiving in practice, but the Supreme Court upheld it as Constitutional.

This ban is what led the way to the first ban on marijuana, the Marijuana Stamp Act of 1937. Following in the footsteps of the law used before it, this act required anyone transporting, using, or possessing marijuana to have a stamp purchased from the government. The problem was, in order to get the stamp, you had to show proof of the marijuana in question. Since possessing the marijuana was against the law until you had the stamp, you were incriminating yourself by producing evidence. I can't help but wonder where the Fifth Amendment was when all this was happening. I plead the fifth...

In 1970, however, Timothy Leary challenged the constitutionality of this act and won. It seemed like things had taken a turn for the better for marijuana smokers. Alas, this was not to stay, as this victory was followed by the Controlled Substances Act of 1970. This act classifies narcotics in schedules and declares their possession, use, transport or sale illegal.

Marijuana is a Schedule I hallucinogen, which under the act means that it (a) has a high potential for abuse, (b)has no currently accepted medical treatment in the United States, and (c) is not safe for use even under medical supervision.

Those Were Just The Facts...

The case for legalization of marijuana rests in the midst of a he say, she say battle. Advocates of legalization think that because it isn't addictive, it won't kill you, and it has few other side effects, it should be legal. They also rely heavily on the use of alcohol and tobacco, pointing out that these two substances are way more powerful and dangerous than marijuana. Those against legalization think that marijuana is dangerous because of its hallucinogenic properties and that it's use causes a marked enough difference in normal functionality that it presents a danger to those around anyone under the influence of the substance.

I take issue with government criminalization of marijuana because of the process that was taken to go about it. Marijuana wasn't banned because it genuinely had adverse effects that would be potentially harmful to the American people; it was banned because a government was afraid of an immigrant minority. The (first) ban on marijuana was nothing but an empty campaign based on racism and prejudice.

I take issue with the second ban because marijuana is placed with the likes of methamphetamine, heroine, and cocaine, to name a few. The criteria for determining a Schedule 1 drug, listed above, don't describe the attributes of marijuana. If anything, marijuana is the opposite of these characterizations.

Legalizing marijuana would certainly make it easier for those who wish to obtain it. But it seems to do very well illegally.

My only fear in legalizing marijuana is that it will not become a dream world of open marijuana smoking should it be legalized. We have to be realistic. If we could convince the government to legalize marijuana, it would not be a "Weed For All" bonanza. The government would create rules, regulations, and laws, just as it applies to alcohol and tobacco. And it would likely be sold in stores on shelves, meaning no new jobs would be created by the sale of the drug. In fact, because the government would tax it, the money would be going out of the community and instead into the government's hands.

But look at it from another point of view. Drug dealers are made out to be horrible, money hungry people. I look at them as entrepreneurs, simply because they are in control of their "business". They handle transactions and must budget, just as a business owner would. They have to decide the value of their product, then attempt to make a profit based on their estimated value. It's a store; what these people do isn't dumb. Drug dealers are seldom dumb because they risk losing profit if they aren't careful. The only problem is that they are using an illegal substance to channel their abilities.

I don't think marijuana is really as harmless as the government wants everyone to believe, but I certainly don't think it should just run around rampant. Honestly, I'd rather the government only regulates what happens to you if you get caught versus regulating the obtaining and use of the drug. In other words (and yes, I'm really making this case), keep marijuana illegal JUST to keep the government from having more control over it.

Backwards, I know. But that's just me. I think weird sometimes.

What do you think?

*Note: I am not a marijuana smoker. But I know enough people around me to know its effects, and to have a look into the life of a drug dealer. May I also note that my facts came from a Wikipedia article and a wonderful documentary entitled Hooked: Illegal Drugs And How They Got That Way. Check it out on Youtube.

And The Vote Is Going In...

2008-10-27T19:58:00.003-05:00

I'm officially submitting my ballot for the 2008 Presidential Election tomorrow. That's right...I'm marking down MY CHOICE for the election and sending it in A FULL WEEK before anyone else gets to.

No long lines at polling places, no hassles, no traveling, no nothing.

Can you tell I'm pretty excited about this? Well I am.

No, I'm not telling who I'm voting for. I refuse. It's not that I mind sharing my decision, it's just that I don't feel like arguing back and forth with people over why I feel justified in my choice. And yes, I'm an informed voter, thank you very much (shout out to Mrs. Sheila Lent here. She was my Law teacher and American Government teacher in high school. If it weren't for her I would not be so into government and law and politics). I watched the presidential debates in their entirety and even watched the vice presidential debates. I know where the candidates stand on their issues and I have my reasons for choosing who I choose.

I'm so excited I can hardly sit still. Or maybe it's just the cup of coffee I drank.

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I spent 4 almost consecutive hours Stumbling. After being advised on how cool the service was (shout out to my bff Bushra, who has her own blog now, so check it out!!), and having nothing better to do today, I decided to give it a try.

Talk about addictive.

Let me explain how it works. You sign up and tell the service what you're interested in, like movies, shopping, etc. There's a little toolbar you install (simple and small) and then you click the button that says "Stumble!". You are instantly (depending on computer speed) taken to a random website that Stumble Upon thinks you would like. As if that weren't enough, the Stumble toolbar offers buttons with a thumbs up or thumbs down that you can push if you really like or dislike a site. Say, for instance, you come across a website for the Darwin Awards*. If you really like the website, push the thumbs up and Stumble Upon will adjust your settings so that you get more sites like it.

*For those who may be confused, the Darwin Award is named after Charles Darwin and is awarded to people who kill themselves in stupid ways. I'm not gonna lie, I spent like 40 minutes reading through dumb deaths.

So far, I've found some pretty addicting games, a free service that will call your cellphone at your designated time, a website with mathematical evidence that girls are evil, a website for the American Society for Velociraptor Attack Prevention, optical illusions, an instructional website for growing your own marijuana, and a website where I discovered my IQ could be over 160 which makes me almost a genius (when you see the website you'll understand why).

I'm now left with a decision: continue Stumbling through the Internet, or start up a nice healthy game of the Sims? Hmmm...tough decision...

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Seems like Mother Nature has a good sense of humor.

Apparently she knew about my complaints on the volatility of Chicago/Dekalb weather and decided she hadn't been extreme enough in the past.

Yesterday, in the span of 10 minutes (at the most), we experienced bright sunshine, rain, snow, and hail. Anything that COULD fall from the sky WAS. And it went back and forth between the sun and the rain/snow/hail at least three times. It was actually kind of scary because I thought maybe a tornado or something was coming.

One of my neighbors was standing outside in the pouring HAIL (read: ice balls) saying "Holy shit, I can't believe this".

Ha hahahaha. Granted, I probably shouldn't have been at the front door looking out the window since the glass may have blown out if the wind was strong enough, but I'd rather be standing INSIDE looking out than OUTSIDE looking, well, out.

Such is the way of the world, I guess.

What A Pointless List

2008-10-26T17:03:00.002-05:00

I was reading on MSN about the 10 Best Places to Visit Before You're 10 or something like that.

Of course, the first thing that sprang into my head was "if you're reading this, you're too old for this list to pertain to you." But, out of pure curiosity, I read the thing anyway. I figured I'd give it a try.

The list is as follows:

The Sears Tower in Chicago
Niagara Falls in New York and Ontario
Muir Woods in California (where the redwoods are)
Monterey Bay Aquarium in California
Griffith Conservatory in Los Angeles
Grand Canyon in Arizona
Ellis Island in New York City
Disneyland in California
Colonial Williamsburg in Williamsburg, Virginia
American Visionary Art Museum in Baltimore, Maryland

Mind you, this list is not in order of importance. I actually named the list backward then realized it made it seem like the places were ranked.

I don't think any children under 10 were consulted during the making of this list, though. It sounds like an "boy, I would have been lucky to see this stuff when I was a kid" adult list. C'mon, now. The significance of many of the places on this list aren't realized until you've reached a certain age. If you take a 5 year old to the Grand Canyon, they aren't going to be stunned by it's majestic beauty or geographical history. They're going to want to go back home so they can watch Phineas and Ferb on tv.

The aquarium is a more believable endeavor. I've never been to this one they mention in California, but I do know the Georgia Aquarium was absolutely fabulous. They had a sting ray tank and a big place where kids could play and all other fun things to do at an aquarium, along with a wonderful cafe. I actually even bought a souvenir there (which tells you something, because I never buy souvenirs. I look at them, toy with the idea of buying them, but never get around to it). And the Shedd Aquarium is awesome too! (I know I've written about it before, I'm just too lazy to find the post reference).

In fact, as long as you bring a backpack of scooby snacks (and NOT actual dog treats fools, I'm talking about snacks like fruit or graham crackers or gatorade or chips), any museum or other such informative place can be fun. You don't have to take your kids all the way out to Virginia to learn about colonial times, when there's a place called New Salem in Illinois (I've been there when I was 8 or 9, and that place was cool).

Disneyland (or world) is worth the trip but that's just because you can't find any other place like it. You can only go to Six Flags so much.

This leaves us with the Sears Tower. Now, as a Chicagoan, I'm proud that the Sears Tower made it to the list of places you should go. And you certainly learn a lot being up there (and it's scary, too). But the thing is, part of the fun is when you live in Chicago and you start looking for places like your house, your school, the corner store, that place where that one guy got beat up, etc. The Sears Tower offers probably once of the most breathtaking views of a city you'll ever see, but you can just as easily get that view in an airplane.

If you are coming to Chicago, I'd suggest you take the kidlets to Navy Pier. There's rides, IMAX, shops where you can spend your money, good food, live shows, and even a greenhouse. That's a place they won't get tired of going to until they get older and realize there's clubs and bars they could be trying to go to.

Playing a Little Catch Up With Random Thoughts

2008-10-26T13:51:00.002-05:00

Wow it's been a while. Almost a week, to be exact.

For some strange reason, I guess I just haven't quite been in the mood to blog. I haven't been keeping up with my cell phone blog, and I'm finally realizing just how much maintenance it takes to keep two blogs up. Even though I don't really do anything all day, I STILL manage to procrastinate blogging. I guess it's because I was so used to doing it when I had something better to do. Now that it's that "better thing to do", I don't wanna do it anymore. I tell you about being a procrastinator.

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I'd like to begin this post with a list of my most recent accomplishments:

1. I finished watching every episode in all 12 seasons of South Park. Yes, this makes me a geek. But I don't care.
-Side note: I've adapted a little South Park lingo into my everyday conversation. Like saying "I'm seriously" instead of "I'm serious". And "Jesus tap-dancing Christ".
2. After having tried for months to watch this movie, I finally watched Half Baked in its entirety, and realized that it's really probably much better if you're baked when you watch it. Or at least if you're not alone.
3. I watched the entire first season of Chappelle's Show over again. Have you ever noticed how short that show is? I remember now why I used to hate watching it on tv: every two seconds he kept going to commercial! Jesus tap-dancing Christ!
4. I watched Katt Williams' American Hustle last night. Didn't stay awake through the whole thing, but it doesn't matter because I've watched that movie enough to know it by heart.
5. I got so bored that I decided it was a good idea to copy the US Constitution by hand. I made it all the way to Article I Section 4 before I was cautioned to stop, seeing as the endeavor was pointless. If I had a dictionary, I'd have started copying from that. Hey, Malcolm X did it!
6. Have you noticed that in order for me to have possibly gotten all of this done in the last two days, I have to have done NOTHING? Well, that's right. It sure feels nice to be able to sit in front of a tv (okay, my computer) for two days straight and not gain an obscene amount of weight. Then again, I guess I'd have had to eat more than two granola bars and cheese crackers in the span of like 48 hours (from Thursday night to last night at like 2 in the morning) to really gain that much weight.

-----

Remember Lite Brites? Those things were the SHIT next to Easy Bake Ovens. For those of you who may have been deprived of such childhood pleasures, Lite Brites were devices that were very simple. It was basically a big plastic box with a light bulb, and a black sheet of paper with little designs stenciled out. You put the paper in front of the light bulb on this little screen, and you push tiny colorful light bulbs into the paper to make wonderful light creations. Lite Brites had ENDLESS possibilties for two reasons. First, it came with so many stencils and blank pieces of paper you couldn't have finished them in one night if you tried. Second, it was a nighttime activity (you had to have the room completely dark to fully enjoy the liteness of the light bulbs), so your mom wouldn't let you stay up late enough to do more than like two stencils at a time.

Lite Brites were not toys that lasted forever, though. Inevitably, you'd lose those damned light bulbs, or find other more ingenious uses for them than sticking them in a sheet of paper. Then the light bulb would go out, and by then you've turned the papers into other things and you only have three light bulbs left and your mom won't buy you the expansion pack because you didn't take care of the original supplies so you're just out of luck.

I ask this because I referred to myself as a lite brite earlier to a friend and something in my brain clicked. Just why are light skinned people known as lite brites? Last I checked, lite brites aren't light...it's a black piece of paper with colorful light bulbs!! And last I checked also, I'm not colorful. I'm just light skinned with brown eyes and brown hair.

I just don't see the connection...

-----

Normally people have allergy problems in like August or early spring, when there's pollen about and all over gobbedlygook. Well, my allergies sprung up when it got cold. So I guess it was a change-of-weather phenomenon or something. Used to be when the weather changed from hot to cold and cold to hot I would just have a bronchitis flare-up. Now? I get asthma attacks and wake up with a terrible postnasal drip. So it's either I'm going to cough a lung out or I can't breathe at all due to narrow air passages and overzealous mucus. This also means I'm either going to be puffing albuterol from an inhaler or popping benadryl like it's vitamins. I'm still trying to decide which is worse.

-----

I would like to make a very important clarification on behalf of all my fellow Chicagoans.

We are not used to living in cold weather. We are used to weather fluctuations. They are two different things.

Everybody else has even weather. You know when it's spring, fall, winter, and summer. Seasons are consistent and dependable (okay maybe not, but they aren't that bad).

In Chicago we're all confused and that's probably why it always feels colder. We don't get steady winters where it's always cold. A winter can go from 50 to 0 degrees in range, and we can have 30 degree weather changes from day to day! Summers are either super super hot or so mild you wouldn't think it were summer if it weren't July. Spring must run on colored people time because it never comes fast enough (we have snow in April. April, ya'll!! Ain't that some crap?) and fall just...well fall doesn't exist. It seems like it goes from hot to cold real quick.

When you've got weather fluctuations like this, OF COURSE it's going to seem like an extreme place to live. It is! It feels so cold because the cold is not constant.

Now, I'm in Dekalb right now, which is a good 80 miles away from Chicago. And the weather's not much better out here either. In fact, I'm looking out the window now and just a few minutes ago leaves were blowing and I couldn't tell if it was raining or snowing. And just as suddenly as it started, it stopped and it looks like the sun may come out.

I tell you about this weather.

Bored? Ha...Yeah, Me Too

2008-10-21T01:17:00.003-05:00

I'm pretty proud of my unproductive day today. I watched two whole movies and played two fun games. I suppose I'll share my time-consuming activities here, given I'm not doing anything better at 1 in the morning.

Movie #1: Superbad

Yes, I'm months late, but I finally watched Superbad today. And Superbad is, well, super bad. It didn't have much of a plot (go figure) and the movie lasted a whole two draggy hours about one freakin day (go figure again) and it was just so, well, stupid! Basically, two borderline gay high school seniors are on a wild ass mission to get liquor for a party where they want to get two girls stupid drunk so they can get laid (except one guy, he's a pussy). Maybe I thought it was bad because I had really high expectations going in, but man, that movie is dumb. The only good thing that came out of that experience was now I understand all the super bad inside jokes (pun intended).

Movie #2: 12 Angry Men

Do you like movies where someone says something and someone else retorts and it's like a "Daaaammmmmnnnnn....got yo ass" moment? 12 Angry Men is that movie. Now however bad Superbad was, 12 Angry Men made up for it more than triple. That movie is so damn GOOD! In this movie, there's a jury of 12 men deciding whether or not to send an 18 year old boy to the electric chair for killing his father. At first everyone thinks he's guilty...except one man (Henry Fonda) who thinks this boy deserves some consideration. I won't tell you the rest because it spoils the movie but man is Henry Fonda a good actor. This movie is a true classic. I DEFINITELY recommend watching this if you haven't already seen it.

-------

Now on to the games.

Game #1: Flash Flash Revolution

I know you've heard of Dance Dance Revolution; it's been popular since I was in grammar school. Well, it's been made into a version you can play on the computer, using your fingers instead of your feet. Man, oh man. If you're a DDR fan you'll LOVE this game. It's addictive because you want to complete songs but they can be pretty difficult. You can click here to check it out.

Game #2: Gravitation

Okay, Gravitation is an indie game. The graphics are circa Pole Position and so is the music, but man, what a game. It's the first video game I ever played that actually made me feel remorseful after playing it. You'll just have to play the game to see what I mean. It requires download but you can grab it here. I only played it once because it was just a kind of depressing game. But it's worth a play.

See? This is what I do with my free time. I play indie games and watch random movies. But hey, it keeps me occupied.

Paving The Way To Tomorrow

2008-10-20T16:18:00.002-05:00

You know what really grinds my gears?

When people try to discourage you from something you really want to do.

Case in point: I'm a Business Administration major, and after I graduate (and I'd like to graduate magna cum laude, so I'd really better get my ass on the ball and stop all these Friday Night Lights escapades after this semester) I'd like to obtain both my MBA and my JD at the same time.

For those who aren't sure what i'm talking about, MBA is Master's in Business Administration and JD is Juris Doctorate, which is a Doctor of Law.

When people ask me what I'm studying, and I tell them business administration, their favorite question is "What are you going to do with that?", as if there's absolutely NOTHING you can do with a business administration degree.

So when they ask me what I'm going to do with my degree, I say I'm going to go to grad school and get my MBA and law degree.

Their mouths drop open. "Both?!" they may say, with a mix of confusion and disbelief. "That's a lot of years of school."

I know, I retort, which is why I'm going to get both at the same time.

Mouths hit the ground. "Both at the same time?!?!?! Wow...that's a lot of work. Are you sure you can handle it?"

If I didn't think I could handle it, you num nuts, I wouldn't have considered doing it in the first place. But I calmly reply that yes, I'm sure I can handle it. Unless it's humanely impossible, which plenty of people have disproven, then I should be fine.

"So what are you going to do after that?"

I'm going to find a decent damn job, pay my bills, be a good girlfriend/wife to my boyfriend/husband, and STILL have enough money left over for Armani manicures and the sleek black Escalade I've always wanted (with enough money to pay for gas, as well). But instead, I shrug with an "I don't know". Sure, it's a credibility diminishing move, but I don't really feel like continuing this conversation. Plus, whoever I'm talking to has already shown that they aren't terribly supportive, so I just don't think they'd understand my dreams.

"You don't know? Maybe you should start getting an idea, you know, before you go through all that schooling."

And here is where I normally end the conversation. I don't have to know what I want to do with my life yet. That's the joy of being in college: you're allowed to find yourself, try out all sorts of new things that you would have never been exposed to otherwise, and from there you can figure out what you're going to do with the rest of your life. I was able to realize relatively early that I have a liking for business and law. So I'm going to study in school what interests me.

In all reality, I want to be a CEO of a huge Fortune 500 company one day. I want to be one of those super powerful women that call all the shots. Why the law degree? Law degrees are badass. Do you know how nice a JD looks when it's framed next to a super badass MBA? And, I'm also greatly interested in law (which explains why 12 Angry men is one of my favorite movies), so if I can't be a super rich CEO I can at least be a badass lawyer like the ones on Law and Order. Or, if I'm lucky, I get to be a supercool badass corporate or entertainment lawyer, and since I'll understand business I'll be knocking off heads and taking names later.

And this is something I'm doing for myself, not for any num num knucklehead yuk yuks who think they know everything there is to know about succeeding in life.

I appreciate your concern. But as for your advice? Thanks, but no thanks.

I got this.

Friday Night Lights...Parte Uno

2008-10-18T22:50:00.004-05:00

I meant to recap last night much earlier, but I was waiting on some pictures of the night to go on Facebook. Unfortunately, people are slacking on the picture posting, so I'll just share some pics of the night that I took.

First, let me say that I was itching to go out last night. I've been trapped in the house all week because of this knee (nope, still no better), so of course when I heard that my boyfriend's fraternity was throwing a huge open party, I knew I had to not only appear but to STUNT. I even had my swag on ten.

Of course, I started out the night wearing almost nothing, and by the time I went home I had gym shoes, joggers, and a coat. I came up!

Oh, and I almost fought a girl at Big Bro's house, because she tried to pull rank on me. First of all, I hate airheaded bitches. And I hate ones that say stupid stuff and then try to throw in a nice phrase after it. Like she thought saying "I'm not trying to be rude" was going to soften the situation! She better thank her God that Amardo stopped me, because he saw I was ready to go South Side on her.

And no, it wasn't the straight Captain I drank. I wasn't even drunk when I tried to beat her ass. I DID, however, try to do the Captain Morgan pose....whenever I get a hold of that picture I'll post it immediately lol...

Anyway, here's just a sample of my night last night:

I definitely have my leg wrapped around a pole. Yes, it's like that.

My bff Bushra...most down to earth girl EVER!

Look at the interracial couple! We'd make pretty Blaxican babies!

I had to post this cuz we black people gotta stick together...and it's hilarious how Jay Cossey is always trying to lick someone in a picture!

A Modest Proposal

2008-10-13T14:13:00.004-05:00

I've been thinking on a couple of things recently and just thought I'd get them off my chest.

I HATE DUMB BITCHES.

By dumb bitches, I don't mean the dumb bitch that does stupid things once in a while but means no harm by it; those are misguided bitches.

And I also don't mean the dumb bitches that do things for love, like marry a guy after 2 weeks or get his name tattooed on her neck after a month of dating. Those girls are in love and so don't always see reason.

I mean dumb bitches that are just dumb because they think it's cute, or are just oblivious to the world around them. They are the ones that come out with stupid shit. My favorite dumb bitch quote: "I want to have brain surgery because you have to stay awake and it looks cool."

I petition that these particular individuals be placed on their own little island somewhere far away from ME so that they can learn to survive with all sorts of other airheaded bitches just like themselves. I would say throw men with them but we don't want these females to reproduce and make any dumb bitch babies that grow up to terrorize my own children one day with stupidity.

Of course, maybe some people aren't as affected by Dumb Bitch Syndrome as others, and those who have some hopes of returning to intelligent life should be sent to rehab. Perhaps a little common sense therapy wouldn't hurt. And if they don't respond well to treatment...SEND THEM TO THE ISLAND!!!

I'm sure it will make life so much easier...

-------

I keep it real. Too real, sometimes. And it seems I've lost a friend or two because of it.

Well, I didn't lose a friend. But she won't tell me anything anymore because she's afraid I'm going to yell at her, because OF COURSE you should be afraid of a 5'4", 120 lb girl yelling at you because of the next stupid thing you've done. Riiiiiight.

Then again, she's the type of girl that needs constant affirmation to feel like her life means something, and I'm probably not the person you want to go to for that.

But this is starting to kind of hurt.

She's getting MARRIED, ya'll. Yep, she picked the wedding date and everything. According to my other best friend, I'm supposed to be in her wedding party. But this girl hasn't even told me about it yet. She's afraid I'm going to yell at her.

YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I'M GONNA YELL!! When you've known a dude for a week and suddenly decide he's your soulmate, SOMEBODY needs to slap you in the face to bring you back to reality. And when you're trying to have a baby with this man, given that YOU'RE STILL A STUDENT and don't even have the esteem or maturity to support your damn self, somebody needs to push you down a flight of stairs or two (might as well kill two birds with one stone).

My other best friend, who has been keeping me in the loop cuz this one sure doesn't, told me yesterday that not only is she trying to marry a guy she's dated for a month, but they are trying to have a baby now and she wanted to get a tattoo of his name.

I don't think her mother would have flipped out on her as hard as I did. Especially with the tattoo part. I would have jumped through that phone and beat her ever-lovin ass.

But I didn't tell her everything I told her because I want to sabotage her life, or because I want her to be unhappy, and that's where the line between a friend and a really good best friend is drawn. She knows that as much as I may have yelled at her, I only do it because I know this girl and I've been to hell and back with her. When everybody else was against her I stood next to her, risking my own reputation as well.

I believe that a friend will tell you what you want to hear to make you feel better. A best friend will tell you that you're being stupid and to shut the hell up, which won't feel good at the time but you'll realize later on that that was probably the best advice you could have ever gotten.

And THEN, on top of all that, another one of my friends is having boyfriend problems. Now, when it comes to boyfriend problems, I have a "put up or shut up" mentality, even with my own relationship. I feel a person has a right to be happy in their relationship and if they aren't happy, they reserve the opportunity to try to change things, whether it be by talking things out or maybe changing their own perspectives. And if that doesn't work, they reserve the right to leave and find someone who will make them happy.

Let me also say that I've never been the type to break up a relationship, ever. I never tell my friends to break up with someone. But I will tell them (in my very straightforward way) that if they aren't happy they need to figure out why and find some way to change things so they are.

So this friend is having problems, and she complains about them to everybody: me, our other friend, my boyfriend, my big bro, and countless other people. We could be talking about something completely unrelated and suddenly we're on the topic of how bad he treats her: Strike 1.

Then, if anyone complains about how her man is treating her, she wants to one-up her, talking about "well if you thought YOUR man did YOU bad, wait til you hear what mine did to me", because of course we want to all flaunt whose boyfriend is the worst to us. I hate it when people try to one-up me all the time. So what if your man is a total ass...it makes me happier that mine isn't. What, do you want a fuckin cookie now?? Strike 2.

And now, she's talking mad shit about how she's concentrating on herself and how she's so big and bad but she's letting this dude trample all over her. Or she talks mad shit about how he doesn't care when she's around guys, but she talks about how sweet he is when she's talking to me. Pick one story and stick to it!! Strike muthafuckin 3.

One of these days, she's going to be depressed, and she's gonna bitch about how her man isn't treating her right, and she's gonna tell my boyfriend all about how her man ain't shit. And on that day, I'm not going to be in any mood for her bullshit. And she's gonna say something and I'm gonna turn around and treat her. I don't do it often but when I wanna get smartmouthed I can hurt people.

My moral of the day is this: Women, if yo man ain't shit...LEAVE HIM ALONE!! Ain't shit niggas need to be with ain't shit bitches, and you, girl, are not that bitch.

Untitled As of Now

2008-10-12T19:44:00.002-05:00

We all need it,
want it:
confidence.
It watches us from afar
waiting on us to accept it
But we don't.
We instead find ways to deny it.
We ignore it.
We say it lies.
We don't believe in it,
so it abandons us.
Whether you're scared,
depressed,
nervous,
or just feeling down, you need it
unfortunately it is in these times
that it's hardest to find it.
We let things we can't control take it away
we let them hurt our self-esteem
we let them make us doubtful.
We have dreams and we want to make them
but as each failure hits us it chips away at us
and we start to think thoughts that push it even further away.
We start to think we aren't beautiful
because we can't compete with the tv.
We start to think we aren't good enough
when we don't make the team.
We start to think we aren't successful
because someone makes more money than we.
It's a never ending cycle
Because no matter how good you are
how determined you are,
how successful you are,
how beautiful you are,
there's always gonna be someone
better, more determined, more successful, more beautiful
And maybe our confidence will come back
if we embrace this fact rather than fight it.
If we realize that we are the best to us
maybe we'd be happier.
If we stopped trying to be everything we're not
and started being everything we are
maybe our life would feel more purposeful
and when that happens
we won't need to be the best looking or the most thoughtful
it won't matter what we are to other people
because in the end
all that really matters is
who we are to ourselves...

What A Night

2008-10-11T11:55:00.002-05:00

Goodness gracious.

I shouldn't even be blogging right now. I've got a feeling I might still be a little drunk.

Countless jello shots, smirnoff, and UV will do that to you.

I went to a sex toy party last night for the very first time, and it was actually a pretty exciting experience. For those who may have never attended one, it's basically like one of those Tupperware parties except with vibrators and creams. The woman presenting was NOT FUNNY though...she was actually really lame, and she thought it was an amazing idea to insert "grandma" into the most awkward situations, like "Put this calendar on your grandma's fridge so she can try positions" and all other kinds of things that just were not funny. To her credit, she tried, and we had a few genuinely hilarious moments (what can't be hilarious when a group of girls are passing around vibrators that rotate??).

Guys, if you don't know what items you're competing with, you need to hightail it to a sex store IMMEDIATELY and see your competition.

I had been warned by Amardo before I went to the party not to buy any dildos, which is understandable. Why would I need a dildo when I have him?? Duh...

So I bought this cream that numbs whatever you put it on and some love dice.

Probably the best thing about this party wasn't the toys I got. It was the people I met. I met some really cool girls and was in the middle of a big ass party talking to my jello shot buddy about whether or not she had just had sex with her boyfriend and whether she had used something she just bought. You can only see that type of bonding at a sex toy party.

Girls (and guys too if ya'll want, even though that's kinda gay), if you haven't been to one, FIND ONE. Go to it. I'm convinced that this is something every girl needs to attend at least once.

Right now I swear I'm still drunk so I think I'm going to drink some Gatorade to prevent a hangover and watch TV until I pass out. I'm sure I'll be blogging later, though.

Google Looks Out For YOU

2008-10-08T02:03:00.002-05:00

You gotta love the effort Google is putting forth.

I'm sure this has happened to a couple of people at the top a number of times, and finally somebody sitting at a huge mahogany table stood up in the middle of an otherwise boring staff meeting and said "Hey! This is important enough to deserve it's own software!"

Thus we have the invention of the "Mail Goggles".

Basically, Mail Goggles are supposed to keep drunk people from sending emails they may regret later with the ingenious use of...math problems! The sender has a minute to solve 5 relatively simple math problems. If he or she can't solve the problems in the allotted time, they are given a new set of problems. And so the cycle continues.

Okay.

This service sounds like it works best for those who want it to work and for the few people out there that get quiet and reserved when they drink (then again, if they're that responsible when they're drunk, do they really need the service anyway?).

But Google is just opening itself up for a potential lawsuit by some dumbass who, in a moment of drunken frustration and indignation at having to solve some math problems before sending an email, slams a fist into their Vaio screen or throws their monitor out a window.

Google, there's a problem that is becoming increasingly common, and is guaranteed to affect more people than this emailing issue. It is what you really need to try to prevent: THE DRUNK DIAL.

I'd PAY for a service that I could download to my cell phone that would keep me from sending "adlkfalkdnei asldkf ansidlf" text messages to my boyfriend when I'm trying to find out where he's at. And how about a little alert that would warn me that a person calling me is possibly drunk so I know whether or not to field the call?

And while we're at it, can you please invent a technology that keeps the bill collectors from leaving messages on my cell phone when I don't answer?

I'm just saying...

Our Economy is Depressed!

2008-10-06T16:44:00.004-05:00

Just when we thought things couldn't get any worse...

I think people in our day and time are fiercely disconnected from and largely oblivious to what's going on around us. Years ago, if the country were in the midst of a war, people would have been protesting it constantly and the nation would be in a state of extreme patriotism. The last time I can remember such an effort was directly after the events of 9/11. Now we still walk around, playing with our Crackberrys, sipping Starbucks, getting drunk, smoking weed, and largely going on with life as if there isn't a "war" going on.

And now, the stocks are rapidly declining, and we are seriously at the brink of another Depression. Because stocks are going down, people are selling like crazy which is only going to make things worse. There's a certain amount of panic spreading through Wall Street.

Let's not forget that while all of this is going on, President Bush is trying to bail just a few companies out by getting a $700 billion bailout plan passed. Yo, Mr. President! How about you spend some of YOUR salary money bailing out companies that are in no way directly related to you? And we are in a huge budget deficit. Bush, you started office with a freakin SURPLUS! That's right! Clinton had us with a surplus! And here you come putting an entire nation into debt. That must suck. And I wonder how it must feel to know you're taking food out of people's mouths to feed already better-than-well-off CEOs at companies when these very CEOs should be punished for their bad management!

Is it just me, or does this really just not make any damn sense?

I feel bad for whoever takes over office after Bush leaves, whether it be Obama or McCain, because they've got a HELL of a cleanup job to do. President Bush sailed in with an easy time. But he left us with shambles of what used to be a great country.

*Flashback*

It was one day early in my 8th grade year (so it was 2002). In my grammar school, we used to start our day with morning announcements and reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. Everyone was supposed to stand, put their hands on their hearts, and face the flag at the front of the room.

I had never really thought about what those words mean. I always just said them because that's what we were supposed to do and it had become a routine part of my day. But one day I said it and actually became aware of what I was saying:

I pledge allegiance, to the flag
of the United States of America
and to the republic*
for which it stands
one nation
under God
indivisible
with liberty, and justice for all.

Lies, lies, all goddamn lies.

Yes, I'm American. But I don't pledge allegiance to a damned flag or a country that can't seem to pledge allegiance to me simply because of the color of my skin. Liberty and justice for all. HA! There isn't liberty and justice for all. Sure, we can say whatever we want, and I reserve the right to talk SHIT about my country if I want because that's in my First Amendment rights, and I have the right to be dissatisfied with the way things are being run.

But I'll believe there's justice for all when we end racial profiling and bans on gay marriage and police brutality. I'll believe there's liberty when I feel like I have the freedom to control where my hard-earned tax money goes.

Until then, why would I say a pledge of allegiance to something I don't agree with?

*Note - It's been so long since I said the pledge of allegiance that when I tried typing it I actually did it wrong and didn't realize until much later that we say "republic", not "country".

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I hate paid advertisements. I used to love them. And now I hate them.

Yesterday I saw the most wonderful invention ever: a flat iron that would turn even the unruliest hair into silky, shiny, beautiful hair. I saw it with my own eyes! The guy even tested this flat iron on a black girl's hair so I KNEW it would work for me. My jaw was dropped through the whole commercial. And when they said you can try it out for only $14.99, I was hooked. I picked up my phone to call.

That's the thing, though. You can only try it for $14.99. I knew there had to be more to this deal.

So I checked it out online. And I found that the flat iron (plus another flat iron for free) could be mine...for three easy payments of $33.99. Yeah. So I'm paying $14.99 to try it and another 101.97 + tax+shipping&handling to keep it. I don't have that much money for a flat iron!

And boy, was I disappointed. I'm a hair product fiend, and I wanted that flat iron more than I've ever wanted any other hair styling product.

Misleading ass paid advertisement. Grrrr.

The Old Me

2008-10-05T17:08:00.004-05:00

Believe it or not, my cam-whoring days started way in my sophomore year of high school, back when Tagged was the huge social networking site. These are some of the pictures from my Tagged page that I took years ago:

My super intellectual face

Just finished doing my hair

I look so young!

My favorite picture of all time. It's so mysterious. And yes...that's my real hair =)

One of the only posed pictures I ever took in glasses

I can't wait til my hair gets this length again

It's my Million Dollar Baby look. Wanna box??

Fooling around with the webcam

I wish I knew where those glasses are...those were stunnas for real!

STANROY!!!!

2008-10-04T21:50:00.002-05:00

I just realized something rather interesting, and it may be a bit of a contradiction.

I'm listening to Soulja Boy's "Give Me A High Five", chilling in my room, sipping on Gatorade like I don't have a care in the world. And I've come to this realization:

Soulja Boy's lyrics may not be worth SHIT ON A STICK...but that dude is original when it comes to beats. Never mind that a lot of them sound alike. For the sake of argument, we'll say that just adds to his artist trademarkness.

Now, I'm not a Soulja Boy groupie...not at all. I can just appreciate his hype-man-style music. There's only one of his mainstream songs that doesn't get me moving, and that's "Soulja Girl" (I hate that song). I know if I need to get into a crunk mood, I can put on some Soulja Boy and get buck.

Wait, wait. I sense you are not quite following me. So I present to you Exibit A: Give Me A High Five. If you got speakers with bass, turn that shit UP! All the way!! You got a car with a trunk full of kickers? Put this song on a cd, turn the volume up, cruise through the park, and tell me you don't feel like the shit (or just pretend you are if such equipment is not available):

(Warning: this song does NOT sound as good without the bass)

Now I'll tell ya'll who the lyrical genius is: Arab. Yes. That nigga in the background who is always mentioned but you never hear? That dude SNAPS. Don't believe me? Listen (he's the second verse):

I think Arab needs to stop with the name throwing and actually get a track or two of his own instead of being the hype man's hype man. Then again, if he got a track and I just don't know it, please link it up because I want to hear it.

But finally...Soulja Boy is a crazy dude!! He is absolutely hilarious! I don't know if you've heard the "Stanroy" skit. Oh, you haven't? No worries...it's right here...

That bitch gone...that bitch left there! LMAO!!

I'm in a particularly silly mood right now. I don't know if this is some after effect of 2 hours of sleep and a long ass day or the candy bar I just ate or WHAT but I'm f-in HYPE! And I love it! It's so much better than feeling depressed and down in the dumps.

I'm off to find other constructive things to do...which will probably result in the writing of another blog post...we shall see...

The Update

2008-10-04T17:56:00.002-05:00

I have hurt myself in the most embarrassing way possible.

So I went to the hospital today, and let me say this: everyone should find a nice suburban community hospital to go to. I swear, that was the most pleasant hospital experience I've ever had. Everyone was nice: the receptionist, the nurse; the ER doctor was nicer than my primary care physician, the ladies who took my x-rays, the EMT guy who put the brace on my knee and subsequently brought me my crutches, the guy who gave me my discharge information sheet, and the receptionists as I was on my way out. It was like a Pleasantville scene.

Basically, I have bursitis, which happens when a small sac of fluid on your knee that cushions the bone and joints becomes inflamed. How did I get this? From walking up and down the stairs.

Yes, that's right. If there were ever more startling testimony that I'm horribly out of shape, it's the fact that I somehow managed to seriously hurt myself walking up and down some damn stairs.

To my defense, I've never lived in a multilevel home before. Sure, my house in Chicago has a basement and a ground floor, but everything I need is on one floor and I rarely have to go into the basement; at least, not nearly as much as I have had to here.

But still. I feel like a fatass without the weight.

Now I have to go to an orthopedic doctor so she can more carefully examine me and I guess perform surgery if necessary (Lord have mercy).

I need a nap lol...it was a long night and a long day...

I wonder if Tylenol has sleep-inducing abilities...

Cop It or Drop It: "LAX"

2008-10-03T13:36:00.003-05:00

I copped The Game's LAX cd two days ago, and decided to wait until I'd listened to the whole thing a few times before I offered my opinion.

First, let's just say: The Game snapped. His album features such artists as Ice Cube, Lil Wayne, Ludacris, Ne-Yo, and DMX, to name a few.

My impression of LAX is that it's more laid back overall. This is definitely a riding in the car, windows down, cruising CD. It's got a few songs that make your head bob a little faster, like "Ya Heard" featuring Ludacris.

"LAX Files" is the deep focused song that you listen to when you're in the hoodie mode, and you got your hood and headphones on and you're in your own little world (in case you can't tell, LAX Files is my favorite song on the CD).

The Game takes it old school next with his song "Angel" featuring Common. Not gonna lie, this song really has Common written all over it...when you hear it, you'll understand why...I actually thought it was his song before I found out it was Game. But big ups, because this is a good song.

Another one of my personal favorite songs is "Money". This song just kind of gets stuck in your head because it's got such a great beat. All the beats on this album are good, but "Money"...man...it just stays in your head after you hear it!

All in all, "LAX" is diverse and it's actually a very refreshing break from a lot of hip hop songs coming out right now. This isn't one of those albums where the released singles are the only good songs on the album. This one actually is good all the way through. It's perfect for when you're chillin with the boys, riding in your whip, or just in the zone getting things done.

Final decision: Cop It

Some More Deep Thoughts

2008-10-02T01:38:00.003-05:00

I'm sitting here alone, listening to the new Game cd (which I will be reviewing soon) and reflecting on my week, and I just have to share some deep shit I learned.

There's something powerful about a parent's love, that unconditional love.
But there's something even more powerful when someone who isn't your parent loves you and treats you as if you are their own offspring.
That type of love, when realized, is powerful enough to break even the strongest person down in tears.
It sure breaks me down every time I think about it.
Sure, I have a mother and a father, though I have no idea where my dad is.
My mom - well, she does her best, and I love her for it. She's always willing to help when she can...but sometimes she just can't.
So I have learned over the years to turn to my aunt and my uncle for guidance, advice, and help.
My aunt was the first person to know when I got my period, the first to know when I lost my virginity, the only person I listened to when it came to learning how to take care of myself.
My uncle helps me achieve my business goals, took me to the streets to learn to defend myself, exposed me to a world I would have never seen.
I am their first niece...and first child.
They were at almost every piano recital, competition, or concert.
Neither of my real parents ever saw one.
Psshh...my dad probably doesn't even know I play piano.
They were at every play I was ever in.
My parents never got to see those either.
And I'm sure there's reasons my mom and dad couldn't make it.
I don't hold it against them anymore.

I had a moment.
A moment that made me just sit there and cry.
You guys know about my knee...
I went home with that bad knee, and went back to school with that bad knee
and when I talked to my aunt and uncle, they said I had to go to the hospital.
So I called my mom, because I don't want to go alone.
I'm scared.
She tells me she doesn't have the money to come get me
and that the car doesn't work...
basically, she asks me if I can find someone else who can take me.
I wanted her to understand that at a time like this
it isn't about just being able to get to the hospital...
I could find a ride, or catch the bus.
It's about the fear behind being at a hospital and being told some horrible news
and about the little girl in me just wanting her mommy to be there
...

the next day, I told my uncle my mom couldn't get me.
Without hesitation he told me that he'd fly in and come get me this weekend.
Imagine that.
This man works in Alabama, and only gets to see his wife and children on weekends.
Not even every weekend, at that.
He's always on the road, always busy, always traveling.
TODAY IS HE AND HIS WIFE'S 14 YEAR ANNIVERSARY!!
And yet with all of that,
he still made no excuses
all he said was
"sounds like you need your uncle"
and told me he'd be on his way as soon as he could.
Honestly, if that isn't unconditional, I don't know what is.
I honestly don't know where I'd be without my aunt and uncle.

Commercials...

2008-09-30T20:26:00.004-05:00

So I'm sitting here watching the Sox-Twins tiebreaker game (Go Jim Thome for the only home run, and score, of the game), and of course, they break away from the game every so often to give us a nice little commercial break.

I have to say this now:

IF I HAVE TO SEE ONE MORE VIAGRA COMMERCIAL I'M GOING TO GO CRAZY.

It's the same general idea: this old guy comes waltzing out to his slightly aging wife in some ridiculously happy mood, and he starts dancing with her, and then he carries her off to the bedroom wonderland. All the while some old voice-over guy talks about what a joy it is to have erectile dysfunction because now you can take Viagra, and you can live your old life, and please go to the doctor if your erection lasts for more than four hours, and all the while the most annoying "Viva Viagra" song is playing in the background.

First. Nobody waltzes when they're about to hit the sack.
Second. They rarely dance. Dancing takes too much energy and too much time, unless it's one of those nights. But do not believe that every dose of Viagra will give you one of those nights.
Third. ED isn't cool, no matter how many drugs you can take for it. I'm sure it's still embarrassing.
Fourth: Last I checked, a four hour erection was my idea of heaven... *smirk*

And on that fourth note...I'm off to finish the game...

Whoa

2008-09-30T11:16:00.003-05:00

I just made a pretty earth shattering decision.

As you know, I'm a poor college student so I'm always looking for legit ways of making a little extra money without having to start pole dancing on the Vegas strip.

According to my uncle, though, my family wouldn't be surprised if I ended up taking that road anyway. He thinks I already have serious thoughts about it. And I'm not gonna lie, it's appealing. I'm only doing it to get through college, after all...

Back to the issue at hand. I registered this blog for Pay Per Post a few days ago, thoroughly expecting to be rejected because of my questionable url and lack of recognizable page rank. Imagine my surprise and joy when I opened my email this morning and found I'd been approved! (Apparently I now have a page rank of 2. We're moving on up!)

So then, I logged in to see the opportunities. And I found one, and I clicked on it, and I got fully ready to write the post about it.

Then, something stopped me.

I got too much love for this blog to put advertisements on it. Not that advertisements are a bad thing, and I've seen many successful blogs with ads on them. But this one just isn't the one for it.

This is where ya'll can come and read about stuff happening in the news, or what's going on in my life, or basically any random things that come into my head as the day progresses. I don't want you wasting your time skimming through paid posts here. As much as I need the money, it's not worth me losing the very essence of real that keeps this blog together.

Can't believe I just traded money for integrity, but I swear to God, it's an amazing feeling.

Besides, this is exactly what I created a whole new blog for. I wanted a new blog so that I could write paid posts and not feel so bad about it. I wanted a new blog so I could put Adsense and everything. My new blog is going to be my moneymaker.

It's nice to know that my blog can make me money. But no amount of money can ever equal the friends, support, humor, wisdom, and just plain fun I've gotten from this.

Thanks for the good times, ya'll. I look forward to many, many more.

Ahhh, Knee...

2008-09-29T17:42:00.002-05:00

Stop what you're doing. Take a moment to look at your knees. Talk to them. Thank them for always being there for you, for making your leg bend and for taking all the stress you inflict on them day after day. Should you have the flexibility, kiss them. I mean it. Do it! Do it now before your knees organize a revolt against the rest of your body!

You never realize what you've got until its gone. Or until it's screaming in pain. Whichever comes first.

For somewhere between 2 to 3 weeks I've been having some pretty debilitating knee pain. I honestly don't know what happened to it; I woke up one morning and it was hurting. At first it was just some mild discomfort. But I've been limping around for almost 2 weeks now. At one point my knee hurt so bad I couldn't walk half a block without terminating whatever mission I was on.

Now, if I have my knee bent and I straighten it, it hurts. If I have it straight and i bend it, it hurts. I limp up and down the stairs (which is bad, because my bedroom is upstairs and food is downstairs. Go figure).

Saturday I was walking around without my brace on, and I was doing okay until I stepped off a step and felt something in my knee rip. It was absolutely excruciating.

I have a support brace that I wear, but I haven't decided if the tense inability to bend my knee is worth the ripping feeling I have when I don't wear it. I've popped Ibuprofen like no other but it doesn't do anything.

Guess it's time for a trip to the doctor, huh?

Only problem is, I don't have insurance. Yeah, sucks to be me right now.

Apparently my hypothesis that "it'll just go away in a few days" was wrong. I'm not gonna lie, I'm afraid to go to the ER. I HATE the ER. My aunt wants me to go to Cook County Hospital...and anyone who lives in Chicago knows that Cook County is where you go TO DIE. I don't want to go in with knee pain and come out with a brain tumor. But I refuse to go to Northwestern Memorial either, because last time I was there they charged me $500 to tell me I was perfectly fine.

*Quick background: I have asthma, and I was having a little trouble breathing so I took my inhaler. I didn't realize it had expired two years ago when I took it, though. My heart started racing, I couldn't breathe, my skin got clammy, I started shaking all over, I could barely walk, and I thought I was going to pass out. My aunt rushed me to Northwestern Memorial, where I sat in the emergency room for at least 2 hours thinking I was about to die. I mean, I seriously thought my life was over. After waiting for so long, they finally told me "oh, you're fine" and sent me on my way with a $500 doctor bill. Assholes.

Well, we'll see just how this turns out...

For Those Who Like Fooball Week 2

2008-09-29T11:16:00.002-05:00

I've been slacking on my football coverage for the past few weeks, not for a lack of watching it but for a lack of motivation in talking about it.

Last night was the Bears game against the Eagles, and boy, was that a good game.

A little over a minute into the first quarter, the Bears had not only sacked Donovan McNabb but had scored a touchdown. It was looking beautiful already.

It wasn't the offense that made the stars of the team yesterday, though: it was the Bears defense. I swear, our defense was ON POINT. Picture it: fourth quarter, a little over three minutes left on the clock. The score is 24-20 in favor of the Bears, Eagles have possession of the ball, and it's like 2nd and goal just under a yard from the goal line. Yep, that close. If the Eagles get this touchdown, they would take the lead for the first time in this game.

First attempt: the Bears defense carries the guy back a yard or two. Second attempt: they make it back to around a yard away from the goal line.

This is it: fourth and goal. Donovan McNabb hands the ball off to Correll Buckhalter. He runs...BAM! Alex Brown is first to hit him and knocks him just short of a touchdown. Eagles lose the game, 24-20.

Man. I've never seen such a beautiful effort on a defense play in my life. A job needed to be done, and the Bears stepped up to the challenge and accomplished it!!

Go Bears!

Pull Yer Pants Up!!

2008-09-29T08:56:00.003-05:00

Ahh, the triviality of the United States today.

At the risk of sounding cliche, I'd like to point out before I begin that there are many things wrong with the United States today: a failing economy, $700 billion dollar bailout plans, a war that nobody seems to remember is going on, an ever-increasing cost of living, high unemployment, and poverty, to name a few.

So imagine, and please try to understand my disbelief that not only is a city in Southern California attempting to ban saggy pants, but that such an occurrence is top news.

Apparently, seeing exposed underwear or skin classifies as "indecent exposure".

C'mon, Cali. Really?

Let's be fair (because, of course, justice systems are supposed to be fair). Just how much is "indecent exposure"? Some women don't even sag their pants and yet you can still see their thongs or even granny panties when they bend over. So what's the difference?

You mean to tell me that police officers are going to turn into actual "fashion police", throwing people in jail just because you can see their underwear??

The press leaked a picture of Britney Spears without underwear and she's not in jail! And that's just nasty, in my opinion!

What next? Soon this little California city will start banning low cut shirts and midriff baring tops.

America is the only place where the top news story involves whether or not the government should let you decide to show your underwear off in public.

The Dangers Of Alcohol

2008-09-27T10:35:00.002-05:00

I'm here today to share a very important public service announcement with you all:

Alcohol is bad, mmmkayy...

It's not bad for you, when taken in moderation. It can be a fun group activity. But when alcohol is consumed in the wrong state of mind, things can go very wrong.

Unfortunately, it seems that the very situations in which one wants to consume alcohol are the best times to avoid it. For example, when one gets mad, they may feel like they should drink to help them feel better. But alcohol is never a solution to your problems, and in fact it can escalate them.

So why he let me drink knowing I was already mad at him, I don't know. But he did. And boy, was that a mistake.

See, I'm a competitively jealous girl, meaning that if I get jealous about something it's only because I feel in competition with it. And I constantly feel like I'm competing with the other girls of the world for my boyfriend. I don't know why, but I do. And so when something (or some other girl) comes up, my aggression flares and I get super competitive, and thus super angry.

I won't go into the nitty gritty of what happened, but let's just say if it were reversed and he saw what I saw, we wouldn't be a couple right now.

Unfortunately, I had to let the anger stockpile inside because we were in mixed company and I didn't want to go all angry ghetto black girl on him in front of his boys. I'm too respectful for that. But I made sure he knew I was mad. I had crossed arms and I'm sure my face showed some anger. Big Bro knew I was mad, because he looked at me, looked at Amardo, then looked back at me with a look that I can barely even describe. It was like he knew Amardo was in ass whoopin territory and that I was only holding back because everyone was there.

To Amardo's credit, he knew I was mad too and so made every effort to make me happy last night. The sad thing is, all he knew to do to make me happy was to take me out and have fun (since I've been trying to go out), and to buy me a bottle so that I'd enjoy myself a little more.

Cue shot number 1.

Now, I had just eaten so this wasn't enough to get me crazy, but I felt just a little looser than I had previously and that's when we went out.

Cue mixed drinks 1, 2 and 3.

That's when problems arose. We were at the Ohdee house and there were a bunch of people there chilling and suddenly there was no one there. This was enough to make my influenced body want to go home. For the first time all night since the occurrence, me and my boyfriend were alone together. So, like any irrational human being would do (because I was pretty far under the influence at this point), I yelled at him for what he did. Then when he said he was going to go home, I yelled at him for trying to leave me when I was right. And I yelled at him for not understanding just how right I was in this argument. I tell you, when I bitch, I bitch hard.

Now cue the tears. At this point I wasn't even angry any more. As I tend to do, I started to take what happened personally as an attack to my character. Maybe I'm not the girlfriend I think I am, I thought as I ended up in his arms sobbing. I told him about how I feel like I'm always competing with someone.

We ended up going to a friends house a few doors down, and I had a good time until some other girl randomly grabbed his beard. If I had been anywhere near as influenced as I was earlier, I would have jumped off the bar stool and punched her in the face. Instead, he knew how mad I was (again, I didn't want to even look at him), so he told me we should go home. And we did.

I'd love to stay and chat a little longer, but I've gotta get dressed so I can be the supportive girlfriend. See? I'm not completely happy with him and I'm STILL out here looking out for him.

Ahhhh....

Lorem Ipsum

2008-09-26T01:30:00.003-05:00

So I just started my new blog, Cellularly Extraordinary.

It's focused on -what else?- cell phones, latest cellular technologies, and my own articles about cell phone use, cellular news as related to health, service provider reviews, and the whole nine.

Why cell phones? Because I'm addicted to them. Seriously. If I knew half as much about business as I do about upcoming cell phones I'd own my own Fortune 500 company by now.

-----

You know what really grinds my gears? Lorem ipsum. Yes, that incorrigible sample print that you see everywhere on test design pages, whether online or in Microsoft Publisher. I hate those words, mainly because I don't know what they mean, and I'm real touchy about things like that.

So, like any normal research nut like me would do, I looked it up on Wikipedia because we all know Wikipedia is second to Google on the whole knowledge scale. And what I found was both relieving and a little disappointing at the same time.

Lorem ipsum in itself doesn't mean anything at all!

But I was right in my thought that it was Latin...it is. They quoted an entire passage by some guy and bolded the words that are used in lorem ipsum example texts. According to the articles, many words were cut in half or deleted out. Why they wouldn't just leave the entire passage as is remains a mystery to me.

And the passage is something about pain. You can read the Wikipedia entry here.

Well, I'm off to begin my very first post on my new blog, even though it's 1:45 in the morning and I really should just be sleep. Who knows, I might fall asleep while typing it (believe it or not, I've typed in my sleep before. I actually made words too...they just didn't make any sense when I woke up). But I'm going to try.

See ya later...

Oh, The Horror!!

2008-09-25T19:54:00.002-05:00

Sadness has set upon me.

I was so ready to go out earlier. I did my hair, got my outfit ready, and everything. And I mean I tried on a bunch of different outfits, had one ready, and it wasn't until I showered that I thought of a better outfit to wear. I pulled my jewelry and accessories out, figured out how I was going to do my hair, and even decided what purse to carry. My shoes are laid out (both pairs, heels and flats). I even started making the necessary connections and budget allocations for the night.

Ah, but there is nothing to do tonight.

Thursdays, you have failed me two weeks in a row. It's not looking good, Thursday. It's not looking good at all.

Tomorrow, my bomb diggedy fun day is starting early, dammit. Forget about this whole business of waiting until night time to get ready. I'm waking up, taking care of a little school business, and getting decked out! Nothing's stopping me from having the time of my life tomorrow. ALL DAY!! I refuse to be held down by the constraints of having nothing to do!

Yeah, yeah, that's what I said earlier, and we see where THAT got me: sitting in front of this computer about to get fat eating random food items that aren't made to go together.

*Sigh*

You just wait, Tomorrow. It's about to be ON!!!

It's Thursday Night, and the Feeling's Right!

2008-09-25T11:31:00.004-05:00

Stuntin is a habit, get like me...

I've been waiting all week for this day. Today is the day I get to show out. I get to bare it all for no reason other than because today is Thursday, and it's a sacred day for me.

Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays are always quiet days because everyone is in class doing homework or recovering from weekends filled with drunken debauchery. But when Thursday night comes, all hangovers, ailments, financial problems, and imminent tests are pushed to the back burner or completely forgotten as people invade liquor stores and spend hours getting dressed to go to the same place they go every week with the same people. On Thursday nights sound systems are cranked, clothes are thrown all over the place, and jewelry boxes are raided. Texts fly back and forth as friends compare notes on what parties are being thrown, who's wearing what, and whose house everyone is meeting up at.

I've had "party" in my system for two weeks now, and it's an urging that just hasn't gone away. I'm normally a solitary human being, preferring to stay locked up in my room rather than out partying every night of the week. But when I get a hankering for a good party, I crave it and I actually get rather restless until I can satisfy that craving.

I don't quite know what my plans are for tonight yet, which is perfectly normal for a Thursday afternoon. I do know that I've got some room cleaning to do, and some blog starting, and some other mundane and useless events until I feel like it's a good time to start getting ready to go out to do whatever it is I go out and do tonight.

Until later (because you know I'll probably be blogging my ass off for the next few hours), deuces.

Starting Fresh

2008-09-25T01:03:00.002-05:00

Remember Homestead?

If you're not sure what I'm talking about, Homestead is a hosting site that used to allow you to make your own domain...for free!

Then again, I was still in grammar school when it was free, so this had to be around 10 years ago or so. My computer teacher (in one of his very few teaching attempts the whole 8 years I had him as a teacher) showed us how to make our own domains and create websites using html. Can you believe that when I was in like 5th or 6th grade I knew how to do html rather proficiently? What a shame I can't still do it as well now...

Homestead was popular in the time before social networking sites were popular, when a person would get in much more trouble trying to play solitaire or Collapse (throwback!) at work versus getting in trouble for trying to access Facebook or Myspace.

Why was I looking at Homestead, you might ask? It's because I need a domain.

That's right. I'm starting a new blog.

See, the Joker said, "If you're good at something, never do it for free." I blog constantly now, and it's about time I started getting paid to do it. Unfortunately, my PR is under the rocks right now and my url leaves a little to be desired. To my defense, I didn't expect my blog to evolve the way it has now. Believe it or not, I actually started blogging in February, and this was more of a personal diary that no one read. But in June I started going more public and appealing to a different audience.

It would take way too much work to try to get this one suited up for monetization. Plus, I wouldn't have any place to rant and rave and post pictures of myself anymore (and we all know how I love to do that). So I'm just going to start a new one. I'm going to purchase my own domain and everything (in time...I'm a poor college student, and there are other things I have to invest my money in first, like groceries and rent and bills).

Of course, I'll be linking to it once it's up and running. I thought maybe I'd have it up by today but I got too lazy so I'll work on it tomorrow.

Look for more info as events develop.

When I Grow Up...

2008-09-24T09:15:00.003-05:00

There's a difference between what you want to do when you grow up and what your skill set destines you to be when you grow up.

Case in point: I wanted to go into forensics when I was in high school. I was big on that type of stuff, and so immersed myself in the business of dead people. I took an anatomy/physiology class in my junior year, joined the Pre-med club, and went on a field trip to a cadaver lab at nearby UIC.

But the pre-med club was nothing but a cover for some hippie like club that promoted peace and tofu. And I don't even like tofu. I couldn't be associated with that club. Anatomy/physiology was a great class when we were dissecting things and going over what I already knew. But me and nomenclature and memorization of nomenclature don't get along well, so me and anatomy ended up not getting along well either. That and halfway through the semester the teacher just stopped caring. The only thing remotely intriguing was my trip to the cadaver lab, but the stench was just horrendous. It literally smells so bad that the air is thick. Plus there's something a little unsettling about touching someone's blackened lung and realizing that it was inside someone's body at one time. Yeecchh.

Thank goodness I realized early on that forensics just wasn't the class for me. I discovered business in my senior year of high school and it's been lucky enough to last for two years (plus it's my major in college) so I think Business should take a bow. Law should also get some credit because I intend on going for my dual MBA and JD at the same time. Whew...

But today I realized that I may have a higher calling. I spend so much of my time doing it now that I might as well get paid for it.

And no, I'm not talking about blogging (though that's an idea, too).

I'm talking about hacking.

Before you go crazy and think I'm the mastermind that hacks into school computer systems, let me tell you I'm a novice at this hacking thing. And i don't mean hacking as in accessing someone's personal information and displaying their Superman underoos on Youtube. I mean hacking as in getting around roadblocks that people like to set for innocent everyday people like me who just want to put ringtones and backgrounds on their Sidekick, or who want to put super cool things on their blog even though Blogger won't quite allow you to do it.

I can find my way around almost anything, except for this Sidekick ringtone block (then again, real hackers have been trying to get ringtones for years without any success, so I can't expect that I'd be able to get something after only a month of trying).

But I spend so much time looking it up and downloading all sorts of programs that I don't know how to use (I downloaded Audacity yesterday and I still don't know what it's for) that I might as well do this as a 9-5 job.

Writing about this has inspired me to refine my search to see if I can break into my Sidekick. It's my phone, and I'll screw around with the programming if I want....

No, I won't. I'll just hope some other poor shmuck throws their phone out of whack and writes about it so I don't make the same mistake.

Until next time...deuces...

Stylin'

2008-09-19T14:23:00.003-05:00

I got all dressed up last night to go out (see picture to the left). I was pretty ready for a night on the town.

But nothing seemed to go right. We couldn't get into the parties we wanted to go to, and the parties we could have gotten into were wack and not worth the time.

So I got dressed like this <----- to order 3 medium pizzas with my boyfriend and big bro and watch movies. And yes, I did eat an entire medium pizza by myself, which may not seem like much of an accomplishment but when you're 5'4" and you weigh 120 on a heavy day, a medium pizza is pretty damn huge.

Was I disappointed in my night? Slightly, if only because I got so dressed up to go out and simply ended up eating pizza and lounging in front of the tv...it's one of those things where you think "Damn, I could have stayed in basketball shorts and a tank for this!"

Then again, I like dressing up nice. Sometimes Amardo thinks I overdo it; but when you grow up wearing lacy dresses on a field trip to the zoo, nothing is too overdone (and yes, I have photographic proof somewhere of me in this cotillion-style dress in front of a giraffe). I'm the kind of girl who would wear heels every single day if my feet permitted it. And dressing up makes me feel more confident, more ready to conquer the world. Plus, I want to have a reputation for always dressing nicely.

I don't have a distinct style, either. I just like to match. That's how my outfit comes together: does this shirt match these pants? Do I have shoes to match? If not, I need to find what shoes come close and accessorize so they do match.

What's your style?

A "Dream" Come True

2008-09-18T12:34:00.006-05:00

You know how you have an Aha!!! moment but you don't get it until like 3 months after you should?

I called T-Mobile once to verify something with my plan (or my minutes or something, I've called T-Mobile so many times I don't even remember what I call for anymore). The customer service lady was very polite, as they always are, and, as I am apt to do, we struck up a conversation about cell phones. We talked about my Sidekick, and she told me about her phone (I think she had a wing). And then, in a hushed voice, she said "I'm not supposed to tell you about this, but we're coming out with a phone that developers say will be the next top iPhone competitor."

I felt like Christmas had come in July.

She couldn't tell me any more about it, which was a little saddening, but just knowing that I knew a secret that would soon sweep the nation was enough to lift my spirits. As T-Mobile started releasing new phones, I would look at them saying "Is this it? Is this is?" with all the annoyance of a child screaming "Are we there yet" in the backseat of a car.

And now, completely out of coincidence, I stumbled upon the find of the century.

I was looking on Google for information about dreams because that's what I was originally going to blog about. I've been having some interesting dreams lately, and I've been remembering them, which is two strikes on the dream record.

There it was, number 3 on the google page: a news article about the new Dream, a cell phone made as a collabo between T-Mobile, HTC, and...that's right...Google.

*Shaky, adoring exhale*

The phone features a new Google Android-based platform which has been greatly talked about in cell phone circles. and it features a slide or swivel screen that reveals a QWERTY keyboard.

You mean to tell me that for $200 I can get a touchscreen smartphone Sidekick?? Ohhh, I'm in love.

There are leaked photos here of the phone, but I'll wait until October (when the phone is being released) to share actual photos of it.

T-Mobile, you are really on to something now. And the service isn't bad, and the customer service is so good you want to call just to have a conversation with a rep...and with it's lower prices, people may actually be flocking to switch from AT&T to T-Mobile (I know I made the switch, and I regret not making it sooner).

Look for more info as events warrant.

All That Work...For This?

2008-09-16T19:01:00.002-05:00

Just when I thought things may finally be looking up for me, this happens.

It wasn't enough that I had to leave the school of my choice for this. It wasn't enough that I had to settle for online classes for this. It wasn't enough that I waited for three weeks while everyone else was in school to start.

Now, the day before I'm supposed to start, hours before I'm supposed to start, suddenly I get a slew of documents from financial aid. Apparently, I'm too poor to get any money from them without them picking me apart for clues like some CSI forensic pathologist.

And in case you thought you read wrong, let me repeat it: I'm too poor to get government aid.

I was raised in an interesting living situation. My dad skipped out when I was 5...my mom can't keep a job so she's been unemployed most of my life. But I have something called family, people who have been there for me through thick and thin, people who stepped up to the plate and helped me.

And now, you're telling me that because of what I've already been through, I can't be at school??

ALL I WANTED WAS A GOD-FUCKING-DAMN EDUCATION so that I don't end up like the people I grew up around: 40, 50 year old people living with their parents with no jobs, coming around begging 19 year olds for money, with no futures ahead of them because -guess what -they're already living their future. People with bad credit or no credit and no way to give any advice on having credit.

I'm supposed to be signing into my account at 12:00 am SHARP because that is when the semester starts. I'm supposed to be getting my syllabuses, doing readings for my class at 11 tomorrow morning, and making sure the chapter that I already read and took notes on in Accounting is the right chapter. Instead here I am sitting in front of my computer, with red eyes and a tear stained face and puffy lips, wondering what in the HELL i did before that made me go through this.

For once, I did everything right. For once, things were supposed to work in my favor. They wanted papers, I printed them and faxed them, no matter how much trouble it may have been to do so. They wanted forms filled out, I filled them out. I signed promissory notes. What the fuck more do you want from me??

I went to an online seminar today. It was about blogging your way to success, and I couldn't stop commenting on how cool it was to be sitting in front of my computer but feel like I was at the actual seminar, except I couldn't see the presenter himself. They had a powerpoint presentation showing, and he spoke along with it, and there was a chat window so we could ask questions, and they would stop and answer relevant questions, and it was just amazing, and it made me even more excited to start because one of my classes will be set up the exact same way.

I just can't believe this right now. I can't even wrap my head around the thought that this is happening to me. I don't need this kind of constant stress in my life, and I can't believe that the government would act like this to the very person they should be trying to help.

It feels like I just ran face first into a brick wall; my heart actually hurts. I can't believe that I did everything I was supposed to and still got fucked over.

I can't even write anymore right now yall...it's just too damn upsetting...

My Thoughts For The Day

2008-09-15T14:33:00.004-05:00

Has anybody else noticed the huge wave of "Facebook is Getting a Facelift" article headlines going around recently? I did...and I find it hilarious yet humbling.

I thought I was the cat's bananas when I came up with that headline for a post of my own on August 26th (and for the record, I came up with that without any help at all!). Now that I see this onslaught of clever headlines, it means one of two things for me:

1.) My idea wasn't nearly as impressive or clever as I had originally thought, or
2.) My idea was as impressive and/or clever as I had originally thought, and newspaper and magazine writers stole my headline for their own personal career advances.

Now, I did a search and saw that there were people who had used the headline before me, so that leaves me with my original guess that I was not being as clever as I would have liked to give credit for.

It took all of a few months for "Facebook Gets A Facelift" to become old and cliche.

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Has someone ever asked you a question and when you give them the answer, they offer you a horribly stereotypical generalization that makes you feel like shit even if it just may apply?

I get asked a lot if I'm mixed with anything. The correct answer is not directly, but there is a lot of Native American in my blood.

If I say that to someone, they go, "Oh, all black people have Native American in their blood. You're not any different."

That's soooo irritating.

Sure, lots of black people say they have Native American in their blood, and it's true: stereotypically, you don't find a lot of black people without some mix in their family tree. So I'll just say this: take a look at my complexion, take a look at my hair, and take a look at my mom, and tell me there isn't more than just a smidgen of Native American in me.

The second thing is what I hear from adults when I tell them I was born in Germany. The first thing out of their mouths is: "Oh, were your parents in the military?"

Because, of course, black people only belong in Germany when they or their parents are in the military.

Yes, my father was in the military. No, I was not born on a military base, which is why I have both a German and American birth certificate. And while there may not be many pigmented people in Germany, I don't need you to point it out for me, thank you very much.

--------

I have a pressing question that I've been trying to answer ever since I first saw it on standardized tests and college applications: a question that as of yet has eluded any student, relative, or teacher who has ever tried to answer it for me.

You know how on certain things they ask for your race and/or ethnicity?

I know that because both of my parents are African-American, that's what I put for race, no questions asked. It's the ethnicity part that I'm not so sure about.

On the one hand, I guess I should put African American because that's what's in my blood. But I was born in Germany, and until I was 18, if I understand citizenship rules correctly, I was both a citizen of Germany and of the United States. So does that make me German American?

And while we're at it, why can't I just be "American"?

Scenes From The Field Museum

2008-09-14T02:39:00.006-05:00

I finally uploaded the pictures from my camera to my computer and ran across these photos from the Field Museum in Chicago. Though the Field Museum doesn't rank very high on my Museum-O-Meter, it was loads of fun...and you'll see why...

I was waddling like a penguin...don't judge me!!

I think that's the Mayan calendar. I'm probably wrong. I just know it's huge.

What the mummy process looks like...

This was a tiny clay diorama the size of a shoebox

Amardo WOULD do this on camera...

It was a hallway of mirrors. Looked funny but the pic is cute

He was winning that war too, with his Sierra Mist bottle

Shhh...they're talking deep shit...like politics...

Yeah, we were playing with tigers. We could have died but it's okay

Look at that!! Amardo knows how to braid black hair!! That kid don't look pleased...

Chillin

A special Happy Birthday wish goes out to Amardo...it's his 22nd birthday today!! Love ya babe!!

Cam-Whoring Part 2

2008-09-13T23:20:00.004-05:00

I was bored. And I'm trying out a new hairstyle that I haven't tried before. And my camera was RIGHT THERE.

I don't think I need to say anymore =P. I present to you: Round 2 of What Demiera Really Does When She Should Be Productive...

Leave it to me to try to punk out the camera...What you want!!??

Look at how curly my hair is! It don't even look right

My hairstyle from the side. You can still see the curls

Yes I'm bright. Yes I look pregnant. I don't care. I like the facial expression

My favorite. Looks like I fell on the floor but I don't care

Smile!!

And there you have it. And now that I've gotten the week's cam-whoring out of my system, I'm off to find something more intellectual to write about...