BFF Field Trip!!!

Today, me and Bff decided to take a little field trip. She had a job interview today so we drove from Chicago to Dekalb. I figured it would be fun to catch up since I haven't seen her since I moved back home, and I haven't been to Dekalb since the New Years fiasco so I figured that would be interesting too.

I had a weak moment, guys. I saw some things I really didn't agree with. And heard some things, and just went through some unnecessary drama. I wanted to curse *a certain person* out. I wanted to write this long entry about...everything, and say all kinds of things.

But I'm in Dekalb with my bff, and it's pretty damn rude to spend my time focused on insignificant *people* when I'm supposed to be hanging out with her. It's really not all that important...

I Disagree...

Things that just have made me go wtf???...

1. Facebook changed the layout AGAIN...smh...(sidenote: I had no idea what "smh" meant until yesterday...lmao!!) Although it's definitely become more stalkerish, I can see how it's a little easier to use than the old Facebook.

2. I love how people do things they think are gonna bother you but they really don't. For instance, don't you just love it when someone says something simply to get a reaction out of you, especially when the expected reaction is hurt or anger or jealousy? Why would you do things just to *try* to make me mad? If I react to what you do, it implies that I care (key word: implies). So if you say or do something, whether indirect or direct, and I don't respond, it doesn't mean I didn't see it. It means I'm sitting somewhere laughing my ass off saying "wtf...for real? People actually waste their time doing this??"

3. I also love how people think you owe them something or are obligated to give them special privileges when they really don't deserve them. Like, just because you call out to me I'm supposed to stop what I'm doing to answer. Or just because we have some sort of relationship (be it work, personal, whatever) I owe you something. I don't owe anyone ANYTHING...and no one owes me either. If you do something for me, it's a personal decision YOU made. If you go through life doing things just to expect something in return you're going to be a very disappointed person...

4. Chivalry is NOT dead. Believe it or not, there are still men out here who do sweet things like drop you off at the door of the restaurant and open doors and pull out chairs and carry your bags when you go shopping and won't go somewhere without asking if you want something and drive across states just to see you for an hour and carry you across the parking lot when you're wearing four inch heels and it's cold and the car's not far enough away for you to just wait for him to pull up in front of the door like he normally would...I know these men exist because I'm talking to one now =)

5. I think the decision to change the name of the Sears Tower is selfish and silly. I will never call it a "Willis" nothing. This is even more selfish than changing Marshall Fields to Macys and taking Carson's off State Street. The Sears Tower is an internationally known and recognized building, people...you can upset a city and get away with it but the whole world???

6. I just discovered FML today and I'm having mixed feelings. On the one hand, some of the stories are pretty damn funny. On the other some are really really REALLY lame and not really what I would consider an FML moment. Of course, I can't stop reading...

7. Why is Chicago weather on crack? We had a week of temperatures in the 20s and 30s and all of a sudden it blasts up to 73. Now it's in the 50s and rainy. People were in shorts and tank tops yesterday (not an exaggeration) and today there are people wearing winter coats. And people wonder why everyone in Chicago is always so sick...

8. You know you're lazy when you decide to take a nap before getting up to go eat (even if you're starving) just because your bed is too comfortable to get out of.

I think I'm done for now...I'm sure I'll think of more, and hopefully if I'm not too lazy I can post them =)...

Work Ethics

I have a low tolerance for bad working conditions.

I've been working for all of three months now, and clearly my seasonal status has been transferred to part time status, which is good. But some things are starting to happen that are making me ready to break out the ol' resume and get to hunting.

First, we're experiencing a huge change in management. They took the two GOOD managers and sent them to a struggling store and left us with the other two somewhat cool but not that hot managers. So now we have a new manager (who clearly isn't too new because he's been there before) and an acting store manager to fill in until our real new store manager gets here.

The change in management is tolerable at best. What sucks, though, is how they've been treating my time and the time of select other employees. Thursday night they made me do an extended shift and close even though I really didn't need to be there. Friday I had to come in early and then the manager tried to make me stay later even though I wasn't extended and again had NO REASON TO BE THERE. And tonight I worked a DOUBLE EXTENDED SHIFT (which don't even exist) and had to close, which resulted in me not getting home until 12:30 am. Add in the fact that time skipped ahead and technically my ass was out until 1:30.

When I say that's some bullshit, I mean that's some bullshit.

I've stayed way too many unplanned extended shifts, and covered way too many unexpected call offs, and now I guess its expected that im supposed to just always be freakin available. My problem is I cant say no, not because of money but because of my work ethic and I know that its good when you make sacrifices for the sake of the team. This time was just particularly infuriating.

So for now, I will bite my tongue and bear it. Ill work the extra hours. Stand all day in those damn high ass 4 inch stiletto boots I wear to work to promote the brand (which works) and go home with sore feet. On Fridays I will prance to the bank. And all the while ill be perfecting my resume and applying to school. This is not where I want to be for another 6 months, much less the rest of my life.

Something To Groove To

So I had plans to do a big post...but then I got lazy (don't I always?).

So today I'm introducing a few songs I've been crazy about for the past couple of weeks.

1. No Use - Jazzanova feat. Clara Hill

They play this song at work all the time, and I've gotten addicted to it. It was my theme song for a little while. It's got a jazz-ish vibe, but it's by a group of German djs...go figure...



Used to miss the hidden signs, what am I supposed to do?

2. Prototype - Outkast

This song makes me want to step everytime I hear it (and if you don't know what steppin is, come to Chicago to a backyard party with a bunch of people who grew up in the 70s and 80s and throw on a song like this and you'll see what I mean). It stayed stuck in my head for weeks.



I hope that you're the one...if not, you are the prototype...

3. On The Ocean - K'Jon

Another crazy stepping song that's also pretty inspirational. This is another song that will have everyone who knows how to step racing to the dance floor or any open area they see to start stepping. Even people who DON'T know how to dance will be over there just because they don't want to feel left out.



Right there on the ocean, I know my ship is coming home...

I hope you all enjoyed my musical selections!

On This Day 20 Years Ago...

...A baby was born, weighing in at less than 3 lbs because she was 7 weeks early, in a hospital in Weisbaden, Germany.

(Pssst...that baby is me =P)

I've got plans for a big V-day/birthday/blog birthday post, which I will have up hopefully tomorow (because ill be damned if I spend my birthday in front of the computer), so be on the lookout for that.

Ill holla at yall later...

Caramel Apple Spice

If you've read any of my blog posts from the summer, you know how much of a starbucks hoe I am. Like seriously I need to be a Starbucks Rewards member or something (it costs $25, but on some real shit im considering the investment). My new favorite drink: the caramel apple spice. Its an orgasm in your mouth. Like for real that drink is freakin awesome.

If I were a stripper my name would be caramel apple spice. Well, maybe caramel spice for short...lol...

I've been doing waaaayyyy too much shopping lately...like for real its not even funny. Between visits to the nail shop, purses, and shoes, my poor little paycheck just dwindles. But despite all my shopping, I've saved more money now than I ever did before (imagine THAT) so I guess I deserve to buy something every now and again...

Thought for the day: 20/20 hindsight is a bitch sometimes...

A New Blogger On The Scene!

Brilliance must run in the family.

My 10 year old cousin Nia (who is really more like my little sister than anything else) has just created her own blog...and snapped! So of course, being the big cousin/sister that I am, I gotta promote her page on my page. So if you've got a few seconds, hop on over to niasjuicycoutuer.blogspot.com and see what she's done.

Im so proud of her!! =)

The Best Medicine?

Im a big fan of tyler perry movies. They're funny but they deal with real issues.

So tell me why halfway through Meet the Browns I was crying?! And I don't mean stray tear crying. I mean body shaking boohoohoo shut up with all them tears crying. Dramatic "them aint even real tears" crying.

I know why I was crying. It had been building up for weeks. First of all, I was scared. The movie drummed up a few of my insecurities about the way my life is heading and where I could have been versus where I am now, and where I might end up. So I was crying for myself. Second...I just got over a breakup a little while ago and im still kinda reeling from that. Add in stress and day to day pressures and I think I deserve a tear or two.

They say laughter is the best medicine. But laughter is a short term fix. Laughter makes you forget, but it won't make things go away. I had nightmares (even if I just dozed off for 20 minutes) for days, every day, without fail, until the night I cried. I haven't had one since.

Does that mean tears are really the best medicine? What do you think?

Update!!

It's been so long since I last posted that I almost don't know what to write anymore.

What's been going on with me? The holiday was a whirlwind of good times and bad times. I almost didn't have a Christmas spirit, then found it just to lose it again. We won't even talk about my New Years...let's just say there's been a couple of HUGE changes in my life as a result that I don't feel like I can talk about right now because it's all too fresh and I haven't yet learned to control my emotions regarding it.

Have you ever been so tired it makes you angry that you're as exhausted as you are? Or so sad that the thought of crying hurts? Or have you ever been so happy that people can spot you from a mile away? I've felt all of these things over the past few weeks.

I've been working my ass off at DSW, and for the past couple of days I did a project with one of my previous bosses. The experience was certainly worth it. It reminded me of what I really love to do, which is work on a project that involves high organization and a certain level of independence. It also reminded me of how stressful that kind of employment is. I've had a dull headache for three days and my diet has consisted of pepsi (I'm a Coke drinker myself but when it comes to a caffeine fix I don't discriminate), flamin hots, and brownies. Plus the occassional ramen noodles or ravioli.

For the record, I'm not going back to Dekalb this semester, and if things go the way I want them to in Chicago, I'm never going back. It took being at home for me to realize that I don't like the college town scene. I like to be in the city, where I can work and transportation is easily accessible and there's a Walgreens or McDonald's on every corner and where I can work a decent job and go to school as well and finally get my life back on track from the *ahem* stumble I just took.

OOHHH. And a bit of sadness (for me, at least. It's nothing earth shattering). I have to part with my beloved Tweety coat!!!

Give me a moment so I can compose myself.

That coat has been with me for the past 3 years. It's made it through the harshest of winters, the mildest of falls, and springs, and the forgotten tone of summer. The Tweety became a little trademark for me when I first got the coat and made me easily identifiable to the world. It was a little big, and it spit feathers in my clothes every time I wore it, but it was a good coat nonetheless and it will be missed.

Now I've moved on to a more fitted Southpole coat. Not gonna lie, I really like the gold accents and fur around the hood, and it fits me much better than the Tweety coat. But still.

That's basically all for today...I promise I'll start writing more when I'm not so tired all the time.

Gotta Make Those Moves

I hate it when I do this.

I get super fired up about an idea that I KNOW will benefit me in the long run if I just do it. Or I read a self help book and am ready to change my life, to be successful, to have a better understanding of the world. And then, halfway through, I lose steam. Suddenly the why nots outnumber the whys and I leave the project hanging, only to come back to it later and abandon it again.

I'm tempted to blame it on laziness, but I know I'm not lazy to the point of stupidity. Besides, laziness is an assumed trait and one that can be very much controlled. No, there's some greater emotion that's keeping me from starting a self-enriching project and actually seeing it through.

Fear.

What I'm scared of, I don't know. I'd like to say it's easy to point out, like a fear of rejection or a fear of failure. The fear I speak of is different: it's the fear of losing something when you've got nothing to lose. It may not seem like much of a fear, but I believe it's what holds me back now.

If you've ever read a self-help book such as The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People or Don't Sweat the Small Stuff or even Think and Grow Rich, and you read it seriously, you may begin to develop this motivation to get out and be a better person. I know I do, every time I read one. I always want to start fresh and wake up a new person. And for a while, my new ideals will stick. I'll make goals, have dreams, and become determined to be in control of my life.

Then something happens. It happens when I try to write certain blog posts. It happens when I have great ideas. I just lose steam, suddenly and almost irreversibly. I either forget what major goal I'm aiming for, or I determine that my steps won't lead to that goal and I just give up. And I'm ashamed that I do that.

I say this because right now I had the goal that by January, I'd be employed at a law office in Dekalb. Never mind not having a law degree. Never mind my lack of formal legal training. I just know that I want to work in a law office so that I'm sure law is what I'd like to pursue. And so I started the task of looking online to find law offices relatively close to campus that I'd be able to get to relatively easily. And I found some.

Then I thought of reasons to whittle down the list. I'm not interested in family law, though I'd probably be a sympathetic listener seeing as my own family situation hasn't been the most ideal. Strike out those lawyers. I can't travel too far away from Dekalb, so strike out those lawyers. An 11 firm list went down to 7, and by the time I was done reading through the limited information I could find online, I had only written down information for 2 offices. During this time, I started berating myself. This is a stupid idea, I started thinking. It's not going to work. And that's what I'm always doing. I wouldn't apply for a certain loan because I was convinced beforehand that I wouldn't qualify. I wouldn't ask for help because I was sure I either wouldn't get it at all or that the help I did get wouldn't be helpful. I won't take chances, because I'm afraid to fail.

But enough is enough. By not trying, I'm essentially failing worse than I would have if I tried and got a "no". At least I would have the satisfaction of knowing I'd tried my hardest, and if it's not meant to be then it's not meant to be.

Now I'm off for a midnight snack, and then to get the information of EVERY SINGLE ONE of the lawyers on that list. I'm also going to research the clerical duties required of the job, and find out what it is that paralegals do with the hopes of shadowing one or becoming an assistant, just for job exposure. I'm going home tomorrow, and drafting a letter that I'm faxing/mailing to each law firm. I'm also revamping my resume (not lying, just adjusting) for the position I'm looking for. With luck, I'll hear from the firms within a week, and I may be able to work something out for the rest of the year and even beyond that.

I just hope this time, my resolve doesn't wear out.

Welcome To My World

That's what I would have said to him if it were me.

I was sitting on the train on my way to work, my headphones in my ears, blissfully minding my own business. First let me explain the CTA a little for yall. We have different colored lines; my train goes south into downtown. From the first stop to downtown, all you see are black people with a few mexicans and fewer white people. Once the train hits downtown and heads to the north side the demographics flip and there are all white people with few blacks and mexicans.

A white guy had gotten on the train with his bike, and was partially blocking the entrance to the train so if someone wanted to get on he would have had to move his bike. But I resumed my world watching out the train window. Suddenly there was this huge commotion, and as I turned I saw a black woman slap the mans bike out the way, throwing a huge thermos down the aisle of the train that splashed everywhere (im so glad I wasn't sitting over there). Apparently shed asked him to move and he didn't so she pushed the bike out the way.

Im not an advocate of force, so I felt a little bad for the guy. But the fight was not over. The woman stood up to exit the train and the shit really hit the fan. They exchanged some heated "fuck you"s and he called her a few kinds of "bitch" and THEN he said it:

"It's hard being white in a black man's world!"

Yall, when I say I was dying laughing, I mean Im sure I was red from trying to keep from bustin up out loud. Im laughing now as I write this, and it definitely happened like two days ago.

On the one hand, that's the funniest shit I've ever heard, and something I never thought id hear. On the other hand, Im insulted. I immediately thought about how we have a black president now and I don't appreciate the thought that just because we have a black president this is a "black mans world". Because the truth of the matter is, we're still the minority. We still get persecuted, we still have stereotypes, we still are, in some places, oppressed. People are still prejudiced against us.

However, that was just so funny and random that I had to share it.

Work has been good. They taught me how to work the register, and hopefully they'll start putting me on it more. I like working with money. I don't like walking the sales floor as much, but my coworkers make it fun sometimes and often the customers are nice.

And by the way, partying and working retail do not a very happy Demiera make, so Im spending today recovering my feet which are rebelling from being stuffed in 4 inch stiletto boots and nursing my very empty and very unhappy stomach back into full health WHILE fixing the knees that give out every other day.

The things we do for money.

Out of the Darkness

Life is one hell of a roller coaster.

There are two roller coasters that I've rode that would perfectly describe my life. One, the Raging Bull, is at Six Flags Great America in Gurnee. The other is El Toro at Six Flags Great...Adventure (?? maybe) in New Jersey. The Raging Bull, the tallest roller coaster at the park, doesn't go upside down but plummets you from high, high up all the way underground. The first hill was so high I screamed at the top of my lungs as we dropped but NO sound came out. That should tell you something. And as for El Toro: I had a huge panic attack and almost passed out when we got to the front of the line and it was almost my turn to get on, so that alone should tell you how bad THAT ride was for me.

So for me to compare my life to these, you know some crap is going on.

Yesterday I called the city college close to my house to find out what my status would be if I applied to be a student. And you know what they told me? I can't apply. Because I have that balance from Northern I can't get my transcripts. And I MUST submit transcripts from any institution I've attended to apply. Therefore, unless I pay that balance, I'm stuck out of school.

On the one hand, I can understand the system. They don't want students going around stiffing schools and then coming to them and possibly leaving them a bill. I'm not angry at the policy. I'm angry at the system that made school so GODDAMN expensive that helped get me to where I'm at today.

When I found that out yesterday, I cried for an hour. Disbelief and shock turned to pure anger and hatred, and I raged about the system, the government, and greedy educators. i cursed the whole world. I cried and raged myself into a pounding headache.

But I woke up today a different girl. And when I showered this morning, I prayed. Sure, a shower is a weird place to talk to God, but I just wanted to be cleansed from head to toe and I figured that was the best place to do it. I asked God to help me, to find a way. I told Him that I knew he was trying to tell me something, and that I was ready to listen. And the bathroom seemed brighter, and I felt lighter. I came out of that shower ready to fight. There's no turning back or giving up now.

My aunt told me last night that everything happens for a reason. There's a reason I found out that I can't apply to Chicago State. To go to a city college would be to run away, to allow this problem to fester and wait for dealing later. I need to challenge this beast head on. I've even started to think of it as a blessing in disguise. Things fall in place for a certain reason. There's a reason I happened to walk into DSW with an application when the hiring manager was there, and a reason I started training four days later.

And there's a reason I'm happier in Chicago. My uncle knew what he was talking about when he said to come back. I have emotions, emotions that run deeply for Dekalb and the people there. For my boyfriend, who I didn't want to leave the most. For my best friends, my roommates (who I feel excluded from sometimes but honestly, they're good people), the world there. But in Chicago, I'm removed from all of that. I've been able to focus on myself and on doing what I need to do to make things better. I still have my connections to Dekalb. I miss Amardo and my friends terribly. But for once I needed to put my business and life ahead of emotions and others, and I needed this distance more than anything I've ever needed. I've always felt that focusing on myself was selfish, and that I should spend as much as my time making other people happy, because I get joy from bringing happiness to others, from knowing that my influence has made some change in their lives. But in order to give happiness you must possess it within yourself.

And I've also learned it's time to let go. Of the past, of what happened before. Letting go doesn't mean forgetting; it means learning the lesson to be learned and moving on. I've made a lot of mistakes. I carry physical scars but my mental scars are much more numerous. But it's time to heal. The time for grieving has passed. The time for depression has passed.

I'm ready to fight.

We Need A Resolution!

Its time for my annual writing of my New Years Resolutions list. Yes, its a month before the list is due, but I like to have a rough draft handy in case I procrastinate and have to rush at the last minute to do some much needed reflections. So today, I present to you my resolutions for bettering myself.

My first resolution is in 2009, im gonna be the shit to ME. Fuck what everyone else thinks. I spend so much time concerned about how someone else is gonna react to decisions I make about my life that I forget to do what makes me happy.

In 2009, im letting my inner strong black woman come out, that woman that somehow managed to get buried somewhere in my many facades. The strong black woman that is Demiera does not take nobodys bullshit, will not be taken for granted, and will command not demand respect.

In 2009, I will find myself a theme song. And I don't mean no stupid songs I just happen to like a lot. I mean how like girls adapt Beyonce's songs runnin around dancing and screaming "if you liked me then you shoulda put a ring on it!". Kirk Franklin's Imagine Me was doing the trick for a while, but I need an upbeat song for 2009.

In 2009, I will come to terms with my own inner gangsta. And I don't mean the fitted lovin chain wearin gangsta. That's comin to terms with my inner ghetto. My inner gangsta has more of a Scarface appeal. So in essence. Im gonna be more powerful. And gangsta.

In 2009, Im gonna stop worrying so much about the past. Its history and I cant change it. What's done is done. All I can change are my actions here and now. Im just going to focus on that and forget the other bullshit.

Whew! Okay, im tired now. Its been a longer day than I even care to think about, and tomorrow promises to be longer. Ill come back with the next installment of my resolutions...whenever =P.

First Day Jitters

Last night I bustled around, making sure everything was perfect. I tried on my outfit, shoes and all, to make sure it was the look I wanted. I even styled my hair while wearing my clothes to further complete the look. My bag is packed. Funny thing is, its 7 am, I've been awake since 5:30, and I don't have work until 10. Sounds like a good case of the first day jitters to me.

Unfortunately, I've awakened in a hoooorrrrrible mood. And the bad thing is, if my mood had a description it would be "fuck you". Fuck you, fuck you, I don't know you but fuck you too. I think the caffeine I drank before I went to bed had a negative effect on me, prolly cuz ur not really supposed to sleep after you drink caffeine. And it doesn't help that when I woke up it was butt ass cold in my room...so now I don't wanna get out of bed at all.

I mean, we're all entitled to these days. I just wish mine had come any day BUT today, when I didn't have to wake up and go smile in people's faces and tell them how gorgeous the shoes on their feet are.

Although I have to admit, waking up wanting to fight somebody is far superior in my mind to waking up nauseous and hurting, which I've done quite enough of (out of depression, guys, not pregnancy. Lord knows I couldn't handle THAT at a time like this).

The time for me to get up and start getting ready is inching near, which is actually what I wanted, and Im pleased to announce that Im back to nervousness and excitement for my first day, not anger and violence. Ill keep you posted.

Rollin The Dice

If life were a craps table, I'd be rolling straight 7s.

My phone rang, and it was a 312 number, so I figured it was from DSW, maybe to announce a change in schedule or something. So I answered. But it wasn't DSW at all. It was GNC (gotta love the acronyms lol) asking if I was still looking for a position. Hell yeah I am! One job is good but two, especially when they are 2 minutes apart, is phenomenal. They asked me to come by the store after Im finished with my shift at DSW.

If I thought I was on cloud 9 when I found out about DSW, Im in heaven now.

This throws a rather difficult monkey wrench into my plans to return to Dekalb, though. For about a week I've been wrestling with whether or not I should just swallow the cost of my apartment and stay in Chicago, or whether I should go back to Dekalb and leave my job. At first, both were on an even keel. But now I just don't know. Going to Dekalb is a blind gamble, and id be sure to crap out. Staying in Chicago is safer...and certainly looks smarter.

But I just don't know. I've really gotta think this through, and quickly. I just hope I make the right choice.

Been So Long...

I know its really only been a week since the last time I wrote, but it feels like forever. I still don't have internet =( so I'm still trucking it on the sidekick which means I cant comment on anyones posts. But I am still reading!

New Development #1: I HAVE A JOB!!! Im now a sales associate at DSW. Its a designer shoe store, but it sells its shoes at discounted prices. Im EC-freakin-STATIC about this, mainly because I need a job, but also because I love shoes and purses and I get a 30% discount not only at DSW but also at Filene's Basement. If I were able to upload pics I'd show yall my pretty name badge but I can't yet so I'll work on that later.

New Development #2: Amardo and I are talking again. I hadn't blogged about it but two weeks ago we got into a horrible fight and broke up. It took days before we could even speak civilly to each other and it wasn't until Friday that we really made up, since Friday was the first time we saw each other since the fight, seeing as he's in Dekalb and im still in Chicago. I just hope things stay the way they are because I really like where we're at right now and I don't want it to change.

New Development #3: I have revived my faith. For a time, I didn't want to believe in anything God related. But Tuesday, I decided to pray. It wasn't to God...I was really having a talk with my grandfather, who passed away when I was conceived (so I never met him but feel some strange connection to him). I prayed for wisdom, guidance, and strength. The next day I got the interview at DSW, and by Saturday I was offered the job, with yesterday being my official hiring date. In addition, after praying, my relationship with Amardo got much better. I could say its a coincidence, but I like to think Bigdaddy is my guardian angel and that he's looking out for me.

Things are finally getting better for me.

Have you ever heard of the Visine trick? Its thought that putting a little Visine in someone's drink will put them to sleep.

I turned into a little junior Mythbuster yesterday. I figured eye drops cant be all that bad for you since you put them in your eyes. And since I didn't have anything better to do, I could devote the day to sleeping. So I poured a few drops (okay more like 10) into a 1\4 full energy drink and got to drinking.

Halfway through the concoction, though, a little red light went off in my head as I realized that maybe drinking Visine wasn't the smartest idea. And a quick search online confirmed my fears: Visine can KILL you, kids!

So of course Im shitting bricks because I know I've consumed at least 5 drops and it doesn't take much to make you sick. It is POISON, after all.

For a few moments, I sat in absolute terror. I wanted to tell someone so they could keep an eye out for me. Maybe give a sistah a shake, just to make sure I hadn't passed out or choked on my own vomit. But I knew what I had done was so absolutely stupid that I couldn't tell anybody.

I chugged as much water as possible to dilute the effects. And then I fell asleep (so I guess it DID work). When I woke up the shit hit the fan.

I felt miserably nauseous. Like, I-wish-i-would-throw-up-already-and-end-this-pain nauseous. And I felt oddly cold, even though I was wearing street clothes, laying under a comforter, and my skin was incredibly warm to the touch. You know how you can feel so sick that no matter how grown or strong you are you just curl up in the fetal position hugging yourself and whimpering for your mommy? That's how I felt.

The feeling went away after a few hours, thankfully.

Moral of the story: leave the mythbusting to professionals. And eyedrops are poison, so don't spike someones drink with them. You will go to jail.

Camera + Boredom =

Today I had one of my biggest "cam-whoring" sprees yet.

You know how you take a pic of someone and catch them off guard and those are some of the best pictures ever because you only see that person's true personality in the picture?

Someone tell me how the hell I managed to catch myself off guard??

I was also experimenting with the peace-sign-puckered-lips-DAMN-dis-gurl-got-attitude look.

Oh and before I show you the spawn of my Shitkick camera and intense boredom, I'd like to allow myself a moment to brag: I did my own acrylics, painted on a design on my own, and even applied rhinestones! BY MYSELF, YA'LL! They may not be professional grade, but from a distance I think they look pretty good, and instead of paying the $30 I'd have to pay for this, I only paid $20. And that is going to last me for the next 3 nail jobs. I'm pretty excited right now!

(I'm sorry if I sound conceited...I'm not quite sure what's gotten into me today. I don't usually feel this way about my own work, honest!)

And so, without further ado, I present to you: the Wonderful World of Me (for like the third or fourth time)!

The New Facebook Profile pic, and my third fav of the day

Looks like someone snuck up on me and caught me drinking a Coke, right? WRONG! I took this pic myself =)

Gurl-Got-Attitude #1

The camera could have given me a little pigment in my skin, geez! I look like a Lite Brite!

You may not be able to see the design but I did these myself =)

Decided to give a sad pic

Okay, maybe two. This is my second fav pic of the day

I only chose this one cuz of how my hair looks!

My fav pic of the night!! Love it!

Insomniac

It starts off with you feeling like you just can't get comfortable. You're too warm, you're too cold, the pillow's not soft enough. You're hungry but you're too lazy to go to the kitchen for a snack. You think maybe a drink of water would do you good, but if you're not getting up for food you certainly aren't about to get up for water.

You turn the days events over in your head. Then you plan for tomorrow. You think of where you're going and what you're doing. If you have obligations, you think of those. You might contemplate your outfit.

Your mind continues to drift. You start daydreaming (nightdreaming?) and scenarios pop in your head. You mull over how things in your day could have gone differently had you done something different, and you stage out these different scenarios in your head.

You look at the clock...its been an hour since you first laid down and you haven't slept. The little sleep you did get was interrupted by a poorly timed text message, and you're left wondering why your phone can wake you up on vibrate but not on the maximum setting. Now you're starting to feel slightly frantic...you want to be sleep more than anything, but your mind won't relax enough to allow it. You start nervously counting the minutes, not realizing that your increased surveillance of time has made falling asleep much more difficult.

Its time to break out the tricks.

I don't mean sleeping pills, either. I got addicted to Benadryl for a week. It was so bad I had reasoned with myself that I was taking it to prevent sinus problems in the morning. Ha!

Instead, there are three things I do to fall asleep. First, ill read or write until my eyes get sore (hence this post). If that doesn't work, I do a breathing exercise where I breathe in for 7 counts and breathe out for 7 counts continuously. It must help because I never remember falling asleep when doing it. But my favorite thing to do when I can't sleep is eat something cold, preferably a popsicle. I do this because more often than not the only reason I can't sleep is because im too warm. Eating something cold cools my body down quickly and enables me to fall asleep.

What about you? What do you do to fall asleep? Share the wealth!

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End note: I think Sidekicks must have united and decided to all be on some bull. Right after I read that Andre's sidekick wasn't letting him comment on people's posts, my sidekick started acting a fool. So Im sorry if I don't respond to your comments or comment on your blog right away...im still reading, I just can't comment right now. Blame it on the Sidekick. Makes me want a G1 even more now...

Maybe it was the fiery post I wrote, throwing my faith almost to the wind. Maybe it was my change of atmosphere, and going from the uncomfortable surroundings of all students while im the only one at home to a place where everybody is still at home. Maybe it was the fact that opportunities started opening up when I went home.

Whatever it was, it snuck up, took hold of my sadness, and sucked it away. There is no longer that element of depression in my demeanor, no longer a sign that I am a person bent and burdened by my circumstances.

I think it was hope.

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He dropped the battered, torn sock in my lap and looked up at me expectantly. I don't think a boy should be playing with a pink sock, but of course he never listens to me. I don't think he realizes what it means to be gay.

"Want me to pick you up"? I cooed, much like someone would speak to a baby. Apparently im not supposed to talk to him like that, but I don't care. He looked at me with those big adorable eyes and cocked his head. I always wondered if that meant he was listening. I held my hands out toward him, and he stepped backwards shyly, bowing his head. It didn't seem to be fear as much as modesty, as if he wanted to sit in my lap but didn't want to admit it.

I grabbed him under his legs and lifted him into my lap, and he immediately curled up and rested his head on my knee. Big as he is, he always seems to come to rest in my lap perfectly. He let out a shudder and a sigh of comfort and fell asleep.

He is the one who hears me enter the house when I put the key in the door, and the one who will sit at the gate and whimper until I come say hi to him. He remembers me even though I leave him. He sits in my lap quietly, leaving everyone else to wonder what I've got that they don't.

I love my dog.

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I want to thank everyone who reads my blog for reading and continuing to come back. And I want to thank all of my blog friends (and yall should know who you are ;]) for continually giving me support and guidance during this very difficult time of my life. You've all come through at the right time. Words can't describe just how thankful I am for you guys. Id be losssttt withoouuttt yoouuuuuu....
=P

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I've wrapped my head around the goal of writing a book. I've had this goal for YEARS and have never finished it. I've written at least 3 manuscripts that were close to or exceeded 100 pages and regrettably lost all of them. So Im starting from scratch. Don't be surprised if I start writing in a more narrative voice. And if you're lucky, I might post excerpts. Whenever I stop procrastinating and get started =P