I used to feel terrible about not being in school, about only working a part-time job, about not doing well in certain classes. I used to think that I didn't know what I wanted from life, and if someone asked me I would give a roundabout answer (or tailor my answer to fit what I figured they would want to hear, depending on the person). And I felt horrible for it, because it made me feel like I wasn't finding my purpose.
But I came to a realization today after an interview at a job I hopefully will get (so far it's looking good; I just gotta keep my fingers crossed). All the preparation I did for this position, with the background research and the sending my resume and cover letter and the interview and finding the perfect outfit and traveling to the place TWICE just to see how long it takes to get there and where it is...all that preparation was because this is something I truly want. It's not what anyone else wants for me but what I really want for myself.
It isn't about the position itself. Nor is it really about the pay (though it's a nice increase from what I make now, plus bonuses, plus benefits after 90 days). It's not about me needing to get some sort of professional trade. It's more about the independence of the thing, and the independence this job will grant me.
I found this job on my own. I applied for it on my own, and obtained an interview on my own. I went through the interview on my own, and researched the place and possible questions they might ask me on my own. I did it all myself, on my own accord, with my own motivation. Jay helped me get there, and supported me and relaxed me before my interview and encouraged me. But as far as the work goes, I did it alone. And it feels amazing.
What's interesting is, a family friend extended an offer to me with the promise of securing an interview at the Trump Tower here. And it pays even better than the place I obtained myself. But I've dedicated NO time to pursuing that lead, because to be honest I don't want another job I have to have help getting. I'm not ungrateful; in fact, I'm very thankful he thought of me for the position. But I would just rather do it by myself.
To me, the means of obtaining something is more important than the thing itself.
I would have loved to live in a tiny apartment with my mom growing up versus the lovely three bedroom home we live in now with my grandmother. Sure, the quality of living would have decreased significantly, but an apartment would have been ours. I would have sacrificed the luxury of the big house to have the feeling that it was something we worked for ourselves. Because nice things aren't quite as nice when you don't have to work for them. Part of what is so humbling about life is struggle.
When I get older, I want to look on the things I've done and the goals I've achieved and have the sense of knowing that I did everything I did with hard work and determination and that I have nobody to thank for my success but myself and those who supported me. It may sound crazy, but I'd rather live modestly and comfortably but independently than to live lavishly but to know my success depends solely on the discretion of someone else.
On a livelier and completely unrelated note, I got a gift from Jay about a week ago: rose colored Louis shades!! Look for their debut in an upcoming post.