Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Gotta Make Those Moves

I hate it when I do this.

I get super fired up about an idea that I KNOW will benefit me in the long run if I just do it. Or I read a self help book and am ready to change my life, to be successful, to have a better understanding of the world. And then, halfway through, I lose steam. Suddenly the why nots outnumber the whys and I leave the project hanging, only to come back to it later and abandon it again.

I'm tempted to blame it on laziness, but I know I'm not lazy to the point of stupidity. Besides, laziness is an assumed trait and one that can be very much controlled. No, there's some greater emotion that's keeping me from starting a self-enriching project and actually seeing it through.

Fear.

What I'm scared of, I don't know. I'd like to say it's easy to point out, like a fear of rejection or a fear of failure. The fear I speak of is different: it's the fear of losing something when you've got nothing to lose. It may not seem like much of a fear, but I believe it's what holds me back now.

If you've ever read a self-help book such as The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People or Don't Sweat the Small Stuff or even Think and Grow Rich, and you read it seriously, you may begin to develop this motivation to get out and be a better person. I know I do, every time I read one. I always want to start fresh and wake up a new person. And for a while, my new ideals will stick. I'll make goals, have dreams, and become determined to be in control of my life.

Then something happens. It happens when I try to write certain blog posts. It happens when I have great ideas. I just lose steam, suddenly and almost irreversibly. I either forget what major goal I'm aiming for, or I determine that my steps won't lead to that goal and I just give up. And I'm ashamed that I do that.

I say this because right now I had the goal that by January, I'd be employed at a law office in Dekalb. Never mind not having a law degree. Never mind my lack of formal legal training. I just know that I want to work in a law office so that I'm sure law is what I'd like to pursue. And so I started the task of looking online to find law offices relatively close to campus that I'd be able to get to relatively easily. And I found some.

Then I thought of reasons to whittle down the list. I'm not interested in family law, though I'd probably be a sympathetic listener seeing as my own family situation hasn't been the most ideal. Strike out those lawyers. I can't travel too far away from Dekalb, so strike out those lawyers. An 11 firm list went down to 7, and by the time I was done reading through the limited information I could find online, I had only written down information for 2 offices. During this time, I started berating myself. This is a stupid idea, I started thinking. It's not going to work. And that's what I'm always doing. I wouldn't apply for a certain loan because I was convinced beforehand that I wouldn't qualify. I wouldn't ask for help because I was sure I either wouldn't get it at all or that the help I did get wouldn't be helpful. I won't take chances, because I'm afraid to fail.

But enough is enough. By not trying, I'm essentially failing worse than I would have if I tried and got a "no". At least I would have the satisfaction of knowing I'd tried my hardest, and if it's not meant to be then it's not meant to be.

Now I'm off for a midnight snack, and then to get the information of EVERY SINGLE ONE of the lawyers on that list. I'm also going to research the clerical duties required of the job, and find out what it is that paralegals do with the hopes of shadowing one or becoming an assistant, just for job exposure. I'm going home tomorrow, and drafting a letter that I'm faxing/mailing to each law firm. I'm also revamping my resume (not lying, just adjusting) for the position I'm looking for. With luck, I'll hear from the firms within a week, and I may be able to work something out for the rest of the year and even beyond that.

I just hope this time, my resolve doesn't wear out.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Welcome To My World

That's what I would have said to him if it were me.

I was sitting on the train on my way to work, my headphones in my ears, blissfully minding my own business. First let me explain the CTA a little for yall. We have different colored lines; my train goes south into downtown. From the first stop to downtown, all you see are black people with a few mexicans and fewer white people. Once the train hits downtown and heads to the north side the demographics flip and there are all white people with few blacks and mexicans.

A white guy had gotten on the train with his bike, and was partially blocking the entrance to the train so if someone wanted to get on he would have had to move his bike. But I resumed my world watching out the train window. Suddenly there was this huge commotion, and as I turned I saw a black woman slap the mans bike out the way, throwing a huge thermos down the aisle of the train that splashed everywhere (im so glad I wasn't sitting over there). Apparently shed asked him to move and he didn't so she pushed the bike out the way.

Im not an advocate of force, so I felt a little bad for the guy. But the fight was not over. The woman stood up to exit the train and the shit really hit the fan. They exchanged some heated "fuck you"s and he called her a few kinds of "bitch" and THEN he said it:

"It's hard being white in a black man's world!"

Yall, when I say I was dying laughing, I mean Im sure I was red from trying to keep from bustin up out loud. Im laughing now as I write this, and it definitely happened like two days ago.

On the one hand, that's the funniest shit I've ever heard, and something I never thought id hear. On the other hand, Im insulted. I immediately thought about how we have a black president now and I don't appreciate the thought that just because we have a black president this is a "black mans world". Because the truth of the matter is, we're still the minority. We still get persecuted, we still have stereotypes, we still are, in some places, oppressed. People are still prejudiced against us.

However, that was just so funny and random that I had to share it.

Work has been good. They taught me how to work the register, and hopefully they'll start putting me on it more. I like working with money. I don't like walking the sales floor as much, but my coworkers make it fun sometimes and often the customers are nice.

And by the way, partying and working retail do not a very happy Demiera make, so Im spending today recovering my feet which are rebelling from being stuffed in 4 inch stiletto boots and nursing my very empty and very unhappy stomach back into full health WHILE fixing the knees that give out every other day.

The things we do for money.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Out of the Darkness

Life is one hell of a roller coaster.

There are two roller coasters that I've rode that would perfectly describe my life. One, the Raging Bull, is at Six Flags Great America in Gurnee. The other is El Toro at Six Flags Great...Adventure (?? maybe) in New Jersey. The Raging Bull, the tallest roller coaster at the park, doesn't go upside down but plummets you from high, high up all the way underground. The first hill was so high I screamed at the top of my lungs as we dropped but NO sound came out. That should tell you something. And as for El Toro: I had a huge panic attack and almost passed out when we got to the front of the line and it was almost my turn to get on, so that alone should tell you how bad THAT ride was for me.

So for me to compare my life to these, you know some crap is going on.

Yesterday I called the city college close to my house to find out what my status would be if I applied to be a student. And you know what they told me? I can't apply. Because I have that balance from Northern I can't get my transcripts. And I MUST submit transcripts from any institution I've attended to apply. Therefore, unless I pay that balance, I'm stuck out of school.

On the one hand, I can understand the system. They don't want students going around stiffing schools and then coming to them and possibly leaving them a bill. I'm not angry at the policy. I'm angry at the system that made school so GODDAMN expensive that helped get me to where I'm at today.

When I found that out yesterday, I cried for an hour. Disbelief and shock turned to pure anger and hatred, and I raged about the system, the government, and greedy educators. i cursed the whole world. I cried and raged myself into a pounding headache.

But I woke up today a different girl. And when I showered this morning, I prayed. Sure, a shower is a weird place to talk to God, but I just wanted to be cleansed from head to toe and I figured that was the best place to do it. I asked God to help me, to find a way. I told Him that I knew he was trying to tell me something, and that I was ready to listen. And the bathroom seemed brighter, and I felt lighter. I came out of that shower ready to fight. There's no turning back or giving up now.

My aunt told me last night that everything happens for a reason. There's a reason I found out that I can't apply to Chicago State. To go to a city college would be to run away, to allow this problem to fester and wait for dealing later. I need to challenge this beast head on. I've even started to think of it as a blessing in disguise. Things fall in place for a certain reason. There's a reason I happened to walk into DSW with an application when the hiring manager was there, and a reason I started training four days later.

And there's a reason I'm happier in Chicago. My uncle knew what he was talking about when he said to come back. I have emotions, emotions that run deeply for Dekalb and the people there. For my boyfriend, who I didn't want to leave the most. For my best friends, my roommates (who I feel excluded from sometimes but honestly, they're good people), the world there. But in Chicago, I'm removed from all of that. I've been able to focus on myself and on doing what I need to do to make things better. I still have my connections to Dekalb. I miss Amardo and my friends terribly. But for once I needed to put my business and life ahead of emotions and others, and I needed this distance more than anything I've ever needed. I've always felt that focusing on myself was selfish, and that I should spend as much as my time making other people happy, because I get joy from bringing happiness to others, from knowing that my influence has made some change in their lives. But in order to give happiness you must possess it within yourself.

And I've also learned it's time to let go. Of the past, of what happened before. Letting go doesn't mean forgetting; it means learning the lesson to be learned and moving on. I've made a lot of mistakes. I carry physical scars but my mental scars are much more numerous. But it's time to heal. The time for grieving has passed. The time for depression has passed.

I'm ready to fight.

Friday, December 5, 2008

We Need A Resolution!

Its time for my annual writing of my New Years Resolutions list. Yes, its a month before the list is due, but I like to have a rough draft handy in case I procrastinate and have to rush at the last minute to do some much needed reflections. So today, I present to you my resolutions for bettering myself.

My first resolution is in 2009, im gonna be the shit to ME. Fuck what everyone else thinks. I spend so much time concerned about how someone else is gonna react to decisions I make about my life that I forget to do what makes me happy.

In 2009, im letting my inner strong black woman come out, that woman that somehow managed to get buried somewhere in my many facades. The strong black woman that is Demiera does not take nobodys bullshit, will not be taken for granted, and will command not demand respect.

In 2009, I will find myself a theme song. And I don't mean no stupid songs I just happen to like a lot. I mean how like girls adapt Beyonce's songs runnin around dancing and screaming "if you liked me then you shoulda put a ring on it!". Kirk Franklin's Imagine Me was doing the trick for a while, but I need an upbeat song for 2009.

In 2009, I will come to terms with my own inner gangsta. And I don't mean the fitted lovin chain wearin gangsta. That's comin to terms with my inner ghetto. My inner gangsta has more of a Scarface appeal. So in essence. Im gonna be more powerful. And gangsta.

In 2009, Im gonna stop worrying so much about the past. Its history and I cant change it. What's done is done. All I can change are my actions here and now. Im just going to focus on that and forget the other bullshit.

Whew! Okay, im tired now. Its been a longer day than I even care to think about, and tomorrow promises to be longer. Ill come back with the next installment of my resolutions...whenever =P.

First Day Jitters

Last night I bustled around, making sure everything was perfect. I tried on my outfit, shoes and all, to make sure it was the look I wanted. I even styled my hair while wearing my clothes to further complete the look. My bag is packed. Funny thing is, its 7 am, I've been awake since 5:30, and I don't have work until 10. Sounds like a good case of the first day jitters to me.

Unfortunately, I've awakened in a hoooorrrrrible mood. And the bad thing is, if my mood had a description it would be "fuck you". Fuck you, fuck you, I don't know you but fuck you too. I think the caffeine I drank before I went to bed had a negative effect on me, prolly cuz ur not really supposed to sleep after you drink caffeine. And it doesn't help that when I woke up it was butt ass cold in my room...so now I don't wanna get out of bed at all.

I mean, we're all entitled to these days. I just wish mine had come any day BUT today, when I didn't have to wake up and go smile in people's faces and tell them how gorgeous the shoes on their feet are.

Although I have to admit, waking up wanting to fight somebody is far superior in my mind to waking up nauseous and hurting, which I've done quite enough of (out of depression, guys, not pregnancy. Lord knows I couldn't handle THAT at a time like this).

The time for me to get up and start getting ready is inching near, which is actually what I wanted, and Im pleased to announce that Im back to nervousness and excitement for my first day, not anger and violence. Ill keep you posted.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Rollin The Dice

If life were a craps table, I'd be rolling straight 7s.

My phone rang, and it was a 312 number, so I figured it was from DSW, maybe to announce a change in schedule or something. So I answered. But it wasn't DSW at all. It was GNC (gotta love the acronyms lol) asking if I was still looking for a position. Hell yeah I am! One job is good but two, especially when they are 2 minutes apart, is phenomenal. They asked me to come by the store after Im finished with my shift at DSW.

If I thought I was on cloud 9 when I found out about DSW, Im in heaven now.

This throws a rather difficult monkey wrench into my plans to return to Dekalb, though. For about a week I've been wrestling with whether or not I should just swallow the cost of my apartment and stay in Chicago, or whether I should go back to Dekalb and leave my job. At first, both were on an even keel. But now I just don't know. Going to Dekalb is a blind gamble, and id be sure to crap out. Staying in Chicago is safer...and certainly looks smarter.

But I just don't know. I've really gotta think this through, and quickly. I just hope I make the right choice.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Been So Long...

I know its really only been a week since the last time I wrote, but it feels like forever. I still don't have internet =( so I'm still trucking it on the sidekick which means I cant comment on anyones posts. But I am still reading!

New Development #1: I HAVE A JOB!!! Im now a sales associate at DSW. Its a designer shoe store, but it sells its shoes at discounted prices. Im EC-freakin-STATIC about this, mainly because I need a job, but also because I love shoes and purses and I get a 30% discount not only at DSW but also at Filene's Basement. If I were able to upload pics I'd show yall my pretty name badge but I can't yet so I'll work on that later.

New Development #2: Amardo and I are talking again. I hadn't blogged about it but two weeks ago we got into a horrible fight and broke up. It took days before we could even speak civilly to each other and it wasn't until Friday that we really made up, since Friday was the first time we saw each other since the fight, seeing as he's in Dekalb and im still in Chicago. I just hope things stay the way they are because I really like where we're at right now and I don't want it to change.

New Development #3: I have revived my faith. For a time, I didn't want to believe in anything God related. But Tuesday, I decided to pray. It wasn't to God...I was really having a talk with my grandfather, who passed away when I was conceived (so I never met him but feel some strange connection to him). I prayed for wisdom, guidance, and strength. The next day I got the interview at DSW, and by Saturday I was offered the job, with yesterday being my official hiring date. In addition, after praying, my relationship with Amardo got much better. I could say its a coincidence, but I like to think Bigdaddy is my guardian angel and that he's looking out for me.

Things are finally getting better for me.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Have you ever heard of the Visine trick? Its thought that putting a little Visine in someone's drink will put them to sleep.

I turned into a little junior Mythbuster yesterday. I figured eye drops cant be all that bad for you since you put them in your eyes. And since I didn't have anything better to do, I could devote the day to sleeping. So I poured a few drops (okay more like 10) into a 1\4 full energy drink and got to drinking.

Halfway through the concoction, though, a little red light went off in my head as I realized that maybe drinking Visine wasn't the smartest idea. And a quick search online confirmed my fears: Visine can KILL you, kids!

So of course Im shitting bricks because I know I've consumed at least 5 drops and it doesn't take much to make you sick. It is POISON, after all.

For a few moments, I sat in absolute terror. I wanted to tell someone so they could keep an eye out for me. Maybe give a sistah a shake, just to make sure I hadn't passed out or choked on my own vomit. But I knew what I had done was so absolutely stupid that I couldn't tell anybody.

I chugged as much water as possible to dilute the effects. And then I fell asleep (so I guess it DID work). When I woke up the shit hit the fan.

I felt miserably nauseous. Like, I-wish-i-would-throw-up-already-and-end-this-pain nauseous. And I felt oddly cold, even though I was wearing street clothes, laying under a comforter, and my skin was incredibly warm to the touch. You know how you can feel so sick that no matter how grown or strong you are you just curl up in the fetal position hugging yourself and whimpering for your mommy? That's how I felt.

The feeling went away after a few hours, thankfully.

Moral of the story: leave the mythbusting to professionals. And eyedrops are poison, so don't spike someones drink with them. You will go to jail.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Camera + Boredom =

Today I had one of my biggest "cam-whoring" sprees yet.

You know how you take a pic of someone and catch them off guard and those are some of the best pictures ever because you only see that person's true personality in the picture?

Someone tell me how the hell I managed to catch myself off guard??

I was also experimenting with the peace-sign-puckered-lips-DAMN-dis-gurl-got-attitude look.

Oh and before I show you the spawn of my Shitkick camera and intense boredom, I'd like to allow myself a moment to brag: I did my own acrylics, painted on a design on my own, and even applied rhinestones! BY MYSELF, YA'LL! They may not be professional grade, but from a distance I think they look pretty good, and instead of paying the $30 I'd have to pay for this, I only paid $20. And that is going to last me for the next 3 nail jobs. I'm pretty excited right now!

(I'm sorry if I sound conceited...I'm not quite sure what's gotten into me today. I don't usually feel this way about my own work, honest!)

And so, without further ado, I present to you: the Wonderful World of Me (for like the third or fourth time)!



The New Facebook Profile pic, and my third fav of the day


Looks like someone snuck up on me and caught me drinking a Coke, right? WRONG! I took this pic myself =)

Gurl-Got-Attitude #1



The camera could have given me a little pigment in my skin, geez! I look like a Lite Brite!



You may not be able to see the design but I did these myself =)


Decided to give a sad pic

Okay, maybe two. This is my second fav pic of the day


I only chose this one cuz of how my hair looks!


My fav pic of the night!! Love it!

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Insomniac

It starts off with you feeling like you just can't get comfortable. You're too warm, you're too cold, the pillow's not soft enough. You're hungry but you're too lazy to go to the kitchen for a snack. You think maybe a drink of water would do you good, but if you're not getting up for food you certainly aren't about to get up for water.

You turn the days events over in your head. Then you plan for tomorrow. You think of where you're going and what you're doing. If you have obligations, you think of those. You might contemplate your outfit.

Your mind continues to drift. You start daydreaming (nightdreaming?) and scenarios pop in your head. You mull over how things in your day could have gone differently had you done something different, and you stage out these different scenarios in your head.

You look at the clock...its been an hour since you first laid down and you haven't slept. The little sleep you did get was interrupted by a poorly timed text message, and you're left wondering why your phone can wake you up on vibrate but not on the maximum setting. Now you're starting to feel slightly frantic...you want to be sleep more than anything, but your mind won't relax enough to allow it. You start nervously counting the minutes, not realizing that your increased surveillance of time has made falling asleep much more difficult.

Its time to break out the tricks.

I don't mean sleeping pills, either. I got addicted to Benadryl for a week. It was so bad I had reasoned with myself that I was taking it to prevent sinus problems in the morning. Ha!

Instead, there are three things I do to fall asleep. First, ill read or write until my eyes get sore (hence this post). If that doesn't work, I do a breathing exercise where I breathe in for 7 counts and breathe out for 7 counts continuously. It must help because I never remember falling asleep when doing it. But my favorite thing to do when I can't sleep is eat something cold, preferably a popsicle. I do this because more often than not the only reason I can't sleep is because im too warm. Eating something cold cools my body down quickly and enables me to fall asleep.

What about you? What do you do to fall asleep? Share the wealth!

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End note: I think Sidekicks must have united and decided to all be on some bull. Right after I read that Andre's sidekick wasn't letting him comment on people's posts, my sidekick started acting a fool. So Im sorry if I don't respond to your comments or comment on your blog right away...im still reading, I just can't comment right now. Blame it on the Sidekick. Makes me want a G1 even more now...

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Maybe it was the fiery post I wrote, throwing my faith almost to the wind. Maybe it was my change of atmosphere, and going from the uncomfortable surroundings of all students while im the only one at home to a place where everybody is still at home. Maybe it was the fact that opportunities started opening up when I went home.

Whatever it was, it snuck up, took hold of my sadness, and sucked it away. There is no longer that element of depression in my demeanor, no longer a sign that I am a person bent and burdened by my circumstances.

I think it was hope.

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He dropped the battered, torn sock in my lap and looked up at me expectantly. I don't think a boy should be playing with a pink sock, but of course he never listens to me. I don't think he realizes what it means to be gay.

"Want me to pick you up"? I cooed, much like someone would speak to a baby. Apparently im not supposed to talk to him like that, but I don't care. He looked at me with those big adorable eyes and cocked his head. I always wondered if that meant he was listening. I held my hands out toward him, and he stepped backwards shyly, bowing his head. It didn't seem to be fear as much as modesty, as if he wanted to sit in my lap but didn't want to admit it.

I grabbed him under his legs and lifted him into my lap, and he immediately curled up and rested his head on my knee. Big as he is, he always seems to come to rest in my lap perfectly. He let out a shudder and a sigh of comfort and fell asleep.

He is the one who hears me enter the house when I put the key in the door, and the one who will sit at the gate and whimper until I come say hi to him. He remembers me even though I leave him. He sits in my lap quietly, leaving everyone else to wonder what I've got that they don't.

I love my dog.

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I want to thank everyone who reads my blog for reading and continuing to come back. And I want to thank all of my blog friends (and yall should know who you are ;]) for continually giving me support and guidance during this very difficult time of my life. You've all come through at the right time. Words can't describe just how thankful I am for you guys. Id be losssttt withoouuttt yoouuuuuu....
=P

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I've wrapped my head around the goal of writing a book. I've had this goal for YEARS and have never finished it. I've written at least 3 manuscripts that were close to or exceeded 100 pages and regrettably lost all of them. So Im starting from scratch. Don't be surprised if I start writing in a more narrative voice. And if you're lucky, I might post excerpts. Whenever I stop procrastinating and get started =P

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Taking Things Into My Own Hands

All right, God, you got me. I don't know who you are and I don't know what you are, but if you really are controlling my life right now and you're the reason I'm going through what I'm going through, then I've got a bone to pick with you.

They say you'll never give me more than I can handle. I don't know what I did to make you think I was so resilient and strong, God, but you're taking this whole "life challenge" thing overboard. I have no choice BUT to accept what curves life throws at me, because the only exit you have out of life is death and that's a one way street I'm not trying to go down right now.

I want to know how many of my life circumstances you were responsible for. Was it you that made my parents divorce? You who made my father nothing more to me than a point on the horizon, untouchable and unreachable? You who allowed the people closest to me to steal from me? Was it you that burned me out during my senior year of high school, a burnout that subsequently led to me not even being in school at all right now? Was it you that kept the employers from calling me, you that took my car away, you that made me so easily influenced by what everyone else thinks of me?

If it was you, then why? What have I done to deserve this? What have I done to make you think that I, of all people in this world, have to go above and beyond to prove that I'm strong enough to handle what you've thrown at me?

So here I stand, angry and confused. You're supposed to be my guiding light, the solution to all my problems. And yet whenever I trust my problems to you, I only end up more disappointed and more upset.

So God I've decided to take my life out of your hands and to take it into my own. I'm sick of waiting around for you to finally decide to make things go right for me. I'm sick of doing what I think I should be doing and leaving the rest up to you. I'm tired of praying to you to make things right, tired of crossing my fingers, tired of looking up to the sky for answers only to get silence in return.

I don't know how much of my life I'm supposed to attribute to you, but I guess that's not something I have to worry about anymore.

As far as this whole "you challenging me"thing goes, continue to send problems my way. You seem to be on a pretty good roll now, so don't stop. Only this time, I'm not falling for the trap of asking you for advice anymore. You give some pretty shitty advice, God. You know what's never been wrong, though? My intuition. I'm going to start listening to that. And you know what? Sometimes I just need to feel like someone cares. Sometimes I need a hug, a shoulder to cry on. I feel like shit on a stick when I cry and I need someone to verbally tell me that everything will be okay. And so far, you've never given me any hugs or rubbed my back or wiped away my tears or even made me feel like things will turn out okay eventually. But my boyfriend has, and has always been there when I needed him without exception. So I'm listening to him. And I'm not always sad...I have friends who make me laugh, friends in person and friends through my blog, people who give me something else to talk about other than what's going on in my own life. So I'm going to continue to laugh with them. I've got a family who has never hesitated to help me when I need it, people in my life who took over when the ones who were SUPPOSED to be doing their job just backed down and left me alone.

Matter of fact, just knowing that I'm doing things for me now makes me feel so much better.

I still have a little faith, skeptical as it may be. I still listen to gospel, and the few times I do go to church I'll still take what the reverend says into consideration. I may even continue to talk to you sometimes when I'm alone and I need nothing but silence.

But I know who matters to me most and who really give me the support I need, and you just aren't making the cut right now.

No hard feelings.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Going Home Again

Well, I'm heading back to the Chi today, for what could be the next few months.

I don't want to go. I mean, my friends are out here, and I'm scared that if I leave here I'll never come back. I mean, I've somehow got to pull almost $8,000 out my ass by really the end of this month to even have a chance at being back here, and I'm just not seeing how that's gonna happen.

I'm going back to Chicago to get a job, and that's why I'm so afraid. What if I get a really good job that I don't want to leave? I'll have followed the path of so many before me, so many people who went to college and dropped out. I don't want to think of myself as a dropout, not when I love school so much. But that's how I feel. And I don't want to go to any other school than NIU, especially because if I go anywhere else I'll be a full year and a half behind everyone else (since my credits won't transfer). But I don't have a lot of options now.

I'll still be online since the Sidekick has internet, but I won't be posting nearly as much as I was before (and I've been slacking on that, so that's saying something).

I just hope this all works out.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

What's This "Soda"? It's Called POP!!

Do the Dew!!!

Let me start out by saying I'm not an avid Mountain Dew drinker. I prefer Sierra Mist and Sprite to Mountain Dew any day. But as far as these new flavors are going, Mountain Dew is KILLING!



First I tried Mountain Dew Revolution (the one on the far right). I was at a gas station and saw it and was thirsty, so I decided to give it a try. It was good enough for me to want to get one every time I went to the gas station. It tasted like a slightly less powerful blue Amp...basically, it tasted like blueberry pop. My curiosity was piqued...I wanted to taste the other two flavors.

It took a few weeks before I came across Supernova, but as soon as I saw it I KNEW I had to cop it. Supernova tastes like a slightly less powerful red Amp. If Koolaid comes in strawberry, that's what Supernova would taste like. I should probably clarify that I don't know what flavors Koolaid comes in because I only pay attention to the color (You got some red koolaid? Naw, I don't like the green one, how about that blue one??).

Again, weeks passed, and I stuck with Supernova, unable to find Revolution or the mysterious third flavor. Until today, when I discovered Voltage. Voltage is supposed to be Raspberry Citrus but it tastes like grape Amp, which isn't a bad thing.

By the way, I just discovered that Mountain Dew and Amp are both made by Pepsi (just happened to have an Amp in the fridge) which explains why I can't help but compare these new flavors to Amp.

If you're a pop drinker, and you liked Code Red and Livewire (two very good flavors, I might add), then give these new flavors a try. Apparently people are supposed to vote on which one they like the most. I wish all three would stay on the shelves; they're all really good.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

The Day History Was Made

People will ask: where were you when it happened?

I was in my living room when CNN projected he was the winner. The room was in a state of suspended disbelief: was it true? Had he really been elected? I didn't want to believe it so soon; I didn't want to be disappointed. And then, the camera went to John McCain's concession speech, and I knew it was over.

The jumping and screaming and yelling didn't happen until later last night, when I went outside to see a HUGE group of people just smiling and cheering and screaming and running through the streets. People in their cars rode around blasting "My President Is Black" and hanging out their windows.

But the realization of it all, the history that we had just made didn't hit until this morning when I watched the news and suddenly tears came to my eyes, tears that are starting to come back even now. We have a black president. Just sit for a moment and let that sink in.

We have come SO far from the days when black people couldn't go to school or drink from the same water fountains as whites and couldn't vote to having a black man in office. I'm sure there are so many older people who lived through the civil rights movement who were just crying their eyes out to see this (I know Jesse Jackson cried).

A black man from the south side of Chicago is now going to be the President of the United States.

If that's not progress, I don't know what is.

Congratulations to our new President, Barack Obama!!!!

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Anthem Of The Week

I'm busy watching the election coverage right now, so I'm not gonna spend an insane amount of time blogging. This song, though, is worth mentioning. It's definitely my Anthem of the Week not only because I've been listening to it nonstop since I first heard it this weekend, but because the beat just perfectly describes a beat I'd love. Here, just listen to it for yourself...




By the way, this song is called "Cash Flow" by Ace Hood. This is a ridin song for real!!

Monday, November 3, 2008

You Can Vote However You Liiiiikeee

If you've never taken the time to watch anything else I've ever posted here, never taken the time to read anything I've had to say, never listened to any of my recommendations (then again, if you didn't do any of that, why are you here?), then for your own sake watch this video.

Students at Ron Clark Academy made probably the best politics song I've heard since School House Rock. I know I can get hype about some things (read: the T-Mobile G1, which I'm STILL drooling over) but this video definitely melted my heart.

Note: it's funny they say "we can vote however we want" even though they're DEFINITELY like 12. But it's still nice to see that youth are at least somewhat educated about politics and what's going on, even if they can't vote yet. It's a lot more than a lot of REGISTERED VOTERS can say.



Obama on the left, McCain on the right, we can talk politics all night and YOU CAN VOTE HOWEVER YOU LIKE!!

Major shout out Bushra for putting me on this video!!!

Please, everyone, vote tomorrow. History is in the making...why not help make it?

Where'd They Go?

I was initially gonna post about my Swag On Ten songs, but realized my list wasn't quite developed enough for that, and I'm not in a "swag" mood... I'm more of a club banger type mood. So today we explore the question: Where'd They Go?

All the artists I'm about to present released a song or maybe even a couple of songs that had everyone jumpin, poppin, whatever. These songs made you think that maybe the artist had some potential...and then they go and disappear from the face of the earth.

1. Cadillac Don and J-Money - Peanut Butter and Jelly

Cadillac Don and J Money released one album, Look At Me...and it was absolutely horrible. With the exception of the intro and like three other songs, this cd sucked, and maybe that's where their career went.

And did anybody else find it odd that ol' dude's name was Cadillac Don but he said he only rides Chevys...dude needs to get consistent...




2. One Chance - Look At Her

First of all, these guys could sing. And they could dance. And they were fine! They had all the makings to be the next B2K. But where did they go?

I know ya'll remember this song. I love this video...that coordinated jump thing was hot!! I wish I could do that!


Look At Her




3. Purple Ribbon All-Stars - Kryptonite

Where did these guys go? Kryptonite was that jam, and I love Body Rock (the song they play at the end of the video). Don't remember the song or the video? Have no fear, I've got it posted right here:


Kryptonite (Dirty Version)



4. D4L - Betcha Can't

Yes, D4L was more than a one hit wonder. They actually came out with a song with the Alliance not long ago (that Tatted Up song...c'mon now, don't tell me that song didn't make you want to get to a tattoo parlor IMMEDIATELY just so you could feel justified singing the song). But now we got Shawty Lo off doing his own thang (they know, they know), and I'm wondering where the group has disappeared to!

I would have chosen Laffy Taffy, but I thought this song was better. Not to mention they play a little Laffy Taffy at the end of the video, so you get the best of both worlds.



5. Jibbs - Chain Hang Low

This is the song that forever changed the way I sang the ice cream truck song. The idea was genius, I won't lie, and paved the way for more songs of it's kind. Jibbs didn't disappear immediately, coming out with King Kong, but it was nothing compared to this ghetto Chain Hang Low.



And here my list ends for the night. I'll have more songs next week...or whenever I'm not too lazy to make a new list, whichever comes second =).

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Feelin' Kinda Sunday

Hey Mr. Sunlight,
Gonna outshine your bright
It's just the beginning of a happy go fun day
(happy go fun day)
and I'm feelin' kinda Sunday (Sunday)
Feelin kinda Sunday (Sunday)
Feelin kinda Sunday
I'm so there
La, la la la, la la laaaaa!!

If you're not aware of what nonsense I'm talking about, it's the song from the State Farm commercial they play when the football game is on. I get to see that commercial a few times every Sunday when I watch the Bears game, and it never gets old. I love it.

Matter of fact, here's the commercial so you can see it for yourself:



Honestly, I don't know why I love it so much. Maybe because every time I hear it, I get in the football mood.

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flack <-- Thrown in by Big Bro as I was trying to blog. I tell you about these distractions!

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I experienced sadness at a player being hurt for the first time today.

Kyle Orton, starting quarterback for the Bears (and much better than Rex Grossman, in my opinion) was doing excellent as usual. He had actually just run his very first touchdown rush in his career, and you could see how excited and happy he was to do it. It was a good play.

And then, a few plays later, he got injured. He had the ball, was down, and some guy from the Lions clocked him in the leg and hurt him. We sat in suspense, and I'm sure we were thinking what everyone in the stands or on the Bears team was thinking: "Get up, Kyle, c'mon, get up!"

And he got up, and we cheered. He talked shit to the guys who hit him. He limped a few steps, and hit the ground again. There was no way he was walking off the field. And for a whole minute, as the action unfolded in real time, a sense of shock and sadness gripped the field and I'm sure those watching at home; it certainly gripped us. The camera panned to Bears fans covering their mouths; one woman looked like she was crying or on the verge of tears. And Kyle was given a standing ovation as he was driven off the field.

Kyle Orton isn't the best quarterback in the NFL, but he's been having one hell of a season this year. Every game he just seems to show more and more that he should have been starting quarterback all along.

I just hope he gets well soon.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

FAIL


You know how now they have these funny pictures online of things where people do stupid things, and then they have a huge FAIL somewhere just to make things even worse?

That's what I felt like earlier today.

If you'll notice, my blog looks a little different. The picture has changed, the description has changed, and my link list is noticeably shorter.

Why? Because I tried to change my template yet again, and ended up with a great big FAIL.


I lost almost all of my widgets. The only things I maintained were my shoutbox and my followers list. All I wanted to keep consistent was my link list, because that takes the most time to update.

So if you look on my list and you're not there, don't fret or get mad. Just drop me a comment and I'll add you.

I'm going to keep messing around with the theme of this blog because, as we all know, I can't stick to one theme for more than a few months, and it's definitely past it's limit.

I Guess I'm Supposed to be Scared?


Tonight is (well, was at the time of this post) Halloween night. Ooooooo.

On college campuses, Halloween night is a chance for all the "good girls" to dress like sluts and get away with it. They purchase outfits like the one you see to the right, and they do their hair all pretty and wear the perfect bra and strut around in 30 degree weather with no coat trying to look cute for a party.

They don't even get free candy out of the deal.

Last year, I was a freshman. I fell into the trap of being able to wear a sexy Halloween costume. Biggest waste of money ever.

See, what college students don't seem to realize is that when you're a student, you have more financial obligations. And though I had the money at one time to buy a costume, I just couldn't justify spending that much money on a one time outfit.

If I want to be revealing and show off my figure, I have plenty of figure-revealing clothes in my closet that i don't have to reserve for a purely fictional holiday.

The thing is, nothing special or out of the ordinary is going on. It's going to be the normal frat parties this weekend, where the normal people come out and dance all drunk because they've more than likely pregamed before they even reached the party.

I've reached an epiphany on this whole college drinking thing. So many people are so anxious to drink, but for what? They take back shots, which are disgusting, and they buy bottles of cheap vodka and juice and carry it in water bottles. But what for? For the sake of being drunk? Of waking up and not remmebering the night before? At the risk of making a complete fool of yourself in front of people you may or may not know?

I went to the frat last night for a costume party (I wasn't really dressed like anything, just stuntin as usual) and there was a really REALLY drunk girl. The thing is, I know the girl because she lives on the floor under Big Bro and so I see her at his apartment a lot. And she's a pretty cool girl. But last night she was more gone than a monkey on crack. She fell asleep on the couch showing her ass under her costume, she slapped the guy who tried to pick her up and carry her into the back (with no bad intentions, only to remove her from the main party), and - get this ya'll - she started playing with herself on the couch in front of the entire party. She was going at it!! It was probably the nastiest thing I've ever seen in my life. Finally, I was able to talk her into getting up and going into the back room, where she passed out until this morning sometime. I don't know when she went home or if she knows what she did last night, but I know anybody else who was there remembers, all too well.

I'd like to propose this. If you know a female who drinks way too much, and she gets sloppy when she's drunk, and it's a bad look and you want her to shape up, call Maury and throw her on the show!!

Just kidding.

Someone should make a documentary about drunken females and tape real live drunk females in action. This is no Girls Gone Wild franchise, more like Crackheads Gone Wild. If the girl has an ounce of common sense and doesn't want to be trashy, she'll change her drinking ways.

If not, she's a lost cause, and you'll just have to wait for her to grow out of it, while in the meantime denying that you are associated with her in any way.

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Important sidenote: I had a free burrito from Chipotle today, and it was satisfying and delicious. For $7 a pop, though, they're pricey. Chipotle joins Panda Express on my list of foods you gotta budget for to eat. You can't just jump up and go to Chipotle or Panda Express on a whim; that's what McDonalds is for. If you wanna eat at one of those two places you'd better plan in advance.

Unless, of course, you're rich enough to afford an expensive Halloween costume, in which case you obviously don't care much about where your money goes anyway.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

To Legalize or Not to Legalize

It was first used in China and India, then brought to America as a gift from a Turkish sultan. It's explicit use causes no deaths; it's not addictive, it has few negative immediate side effects other than dry mouth and red eyes, and there's no conclusive evidence of an adverse effect on youth.

So why is marijuana illegal?

Let's Take It Back: To The Original Law


The Controlled Substances Act of 1970 was not the first act to ban marijuana. A man named Harry J Anslinger, the commissioner of the Treasury's Department of the Federal Bureau of narcotics, headed the effort toward banning marijuana. He was unmotivated by any real risks of weed, though. His reasons for pursuing the movement against marijuana were founded in racial concerns directed at Mexicans in Southwest states. Anslinger effectively tied a distrust of immigration with outlandish claims that the drug makes people "crazy", is a gateway to other drugs such as cocaine and heroine, and is an "assassin of youth". He manipulated the media, driving the public into a fear frenzy.

Around this time, a ban on machine gun tranfer was being created. This ban stated that a person could only transfer a machine gun if they paid for and possessed a special stamp from the government, a stamp that the government was not making. The act was certainly deceiving in practice, but the Supreme Court upheld it as Constitutional.

This ban is what led the way to the first ban on marijuana, the Marijuana Stamp Act of 1937. Following in the footsteps of the law used before it, this act required anyone transporting, using, or possessing marijuana to have a stamp purchased from the government. The problem was, in order to get the stamp, you had to show proof of the marijuana in question. Since possessing the marijuana was against the law until you had the stamp, you were incriminating yourself by producing evidence. I can't help but wonder where the Fifth Amendment was when all this was happening. I plead the fifth...

In 1970, however, Timothy Leary challenged the constitutionality of this act and won. It seemed like things had taken a turn for the better for marijuana smokers. Alas, this was not to stay, as this victory was followed by the Controlled Substances Act of 1970. This act classifies narcotics in schedules and declares their possession, use, transport or sale illegal.

Marijuana is a Schedule I hallucinogen, which under the act means that it (a) has a high potential for abuse, (b)has no currently accepted medical treatment in the United States, and (c) is not safe for use even under medical supervision.

Those Were Just The Facts...


The case for legalization of marijuana rests in the midst of a he say, she say battle. Advocates of legalization think that because it isn't addictive, it won't kill you, and it has few other side effects, it should be legal. They also rely heavily on the use of alcohol and tobacco, pointing out that these two substances are way more powerful and dangerous than marijuana. Those against legalization think that marijuana is dangerous because of its hallucinogenic properties and that it's use causes a marked enough difference in normal functionality that it presents a danger to those around anyone under the influence of the substance.

I take issue with government criminalization of marijuana because of the process that was taken to go about it. Marijuana wasn't banned because it genuinely had adverse effects that would be potentially harmful to the American people; it was banned because a government was afraid of an immigrant minority. The (first) ban on marijuana was nothing but an empty campaign based on racism and prejudice.

I take issue with the second ban because marijuana is placed with the likes of methamphetamine, heroine, and cocaine, to name a few. The criteria for determining a Schedule 1 drug, listed above, don't describe the attributes of marijuana. If anything, marijuana is the opposite of these characterizations.

Legalizing marijuana would certainly make it easier for those who wish to obtain it. But it seems to do very well illegally.

My only fear in legalizing marijuana is that it will not become a dream world of open marijuana smoking should it be legalized. We have to be realistic. If we could convince the government to legalize marijuana, it would not be a "Weed For All" bonanza. The government would create rules, regulations, and laws, just as it applies to alcohol and tobacco. And it would likely be sold in stores on shelves, meaning no new jobs would be created by the sale of the drug. In fact, because the government would tax it, the money would be going out of the community and instead into the government's hands.

But look at it from another point of view. Drug dealers are made out to be horrible, money hungry people. I look at them as entrepreneurs, simply because they are in control of their "business". They handle transactions and must budget, just as a business owner would. They have to decide the value of their product, then attempt to make a profit based on their estimated value. It's a store; what these people do isn't dumb. Drug dealers are seldom dumb because they risk losing profit if they aren't careful. The only problem is that they are using an illegal substance to channel their abilities.

I don't think marijuana is really as harmless as the government wants everyone to believe, but I certainly don't think it should just run around rampant. Honestly, I'd rather the government only regulates what happens to you if you get caught versus regulating the obtaining and use of the drug. In other words (and yes, I'm really making this case), keep marijuana illegal JUST to keep the government from having more control over it.

Backwards, I know. But that's just me. I think weird sometimes.

What do you think?

*Note: I am not a marijuana smoker. But I know enough people around me to know its effects, and to have a look into the life of a drug dealer. May I also note that my facts came from a Wikipedia article and a wonderful documentary entitled Hooked: Illegal Drugs And How They Got That Way. Check it out on Youtube.

Monday, October 27, 2008

And The Vote Is Going In...

I'm officially submitting my ballot for the 2008 Presidential Election tomorrow. That's right...I'm marking down MY CHOICE for the election and sending it in A FULL WEEK before anyone else gets to.

No long lines at polling places, no hassles, no traveling, no nothing.

Can you tell I'm pretty excited about this? Well I am.

No, I'm not telling who I'm voting for. I refuse. It's not that I mind sharing my decision, it's just that I don't feel like arguing back and forth with people over why I feel justified in my choice. And yes, I'm an informed voter, thank you very much (shout out to Mrs. Sheila Lent here. She was my Law teacher and American Government teacher in high school. If it weren't for her I would not be so into government and law and politics). I watched the presidential debates in their entirety and even watched the vice presidential debates. I know where the candidates stand on their issues and I have my reasons for choosing who I choose.

I'm so excited I can hardly sit still. Or maybe it's just the cup of coffee I drank.

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I spent 4 almost consecutive hours Stumbling. After being advised on how cool the service was (shout out to my bff Bushra, who has her own blog now, so check it out!!), and having nothing better to do today, I decided to give it a try.

Talk about addictive.

Let me explain how it works. You sign up and tell the service what you're interested in, like movies, shopping, etc. There's a little toolbar you install (simple and small) and then you click the button that says "Stumble!". You are instantly (depending on computer speed) taken to a random website that Stumble Upon thinks you would like. As if that weren't enough, the Stumble toolbar offers buttons with a thumbs up or thumbs down that you can push if you really like or dislike a site. Say, for instance, you come across a website for the Darwin Awards*. If you really like the website, push the thumbs up and Stumble Upon will adjust your settings so that you get more sites like it.

*For those who may be confused, the Darwin Award is named after Charles Darwin and is awarded to people who kill themselves in stupid ways. I'm not gonna lie, I spent like 40 minutes reading through dumb deaths.

So far, I've found some pretty addicting games, a free service that will call your cellphone at your designated time, a website with mathematical evidence that girls are evil, a website for the American Society for Velociraptor Attack Prevention, optical illusions, an instructional website for growing your own marijuana, and a website where I discovered my IQ could be over 160 which makes me almost a genius (when you see the website you'll understand why).

I'm now left with a decision: continue Stumbling through the Internet, or start up a nice healthy game of the Sims? Hmmm...tough decision...

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Seems like Mother Nature has a good sense of humor.

Apparently she knew about my complaints on the volatility of Chicago/Dekalb weather and decided she hadn't been extreme enough in the past.

Yesterday, in the span of 10 minutes (at the most), we experienced bright sunshine, rain, snow, and hail. Anything that COULD fall from the sky WAS. And it went back and forth between the sun and the rain/snow/hail at least three times. It was actually kind of scary because I thought maybe a tornado or something was coming.

One of my neighbors was standing outside in the pouring HAIL (read: ice balls) saying "Holy shit, I can't believe this".

Ha hahahaha. Granted, I probably shouldn't have been at the front door looking out the window since the glass may have blown out if the wind was strong enough, but I'd rather be standing INSIDE looking out than OUTSIDE looking, well, out.

Such is the way of the world, I guess.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

What A Pointless List

I was reading on MSN about the 10 Best Places to Visit Before You're 10 or something like that.

Of course, the first thing that sprang into my head was "if you're reading this, you're too old for this list to pertain to you." But, out of pure curiosity, I read the thing anyway. I figured I'd give it a try.

The list is as follows:

  1. The Sears Tower in Chicago
  2. Niagara Falls in New York and Ontario
  3. Muir Woods in California (where the redwoods are)
  4. Monterey Bay Aquarium in California
  5. Griffith Conservatory in Los Angeles
  6. Grand Canyon in Arizona
  7. Ellis Island in New York City
  8. Disneyland in California
  9. Colonial Williamsburg in Williamsburg, Virginia
  10. American Visionary Art Museum in Baltimore, Maryland
Mind you, this list is not in order of importance. I actually named the list backward then realized it made it seem like the places were ranked.

I don't think any children under 10 were consulted during the making of this list, though. It sounds like an "boy, I would have been lucky to see this stuff when I was a kid" adult list. C'mon, now. The significance of many of the places on this list aren't realized until you've reached a certain age. If you take a 5 year old to the Grand Canyon, they aren't going to be stunned by it's majestic beauty or geographical history. They're going to want to go back home so they can watch Phineas and Ferb on tv.

The aquarium is a more believable endeavor. I've never been to this one they mention in California, but I do know the Georgia Aquarium was absolutely fabulous. They had a sting ray tank and a big place where kids could play and all other fun things to do at an aquarium, along with a wonderful cafe. I actually even bought a souvenir there (which tells you something, because I never buy souvenirs. I look at them, toy with the idea of buying them, but never get around to it). And the Shedd Aquarium is awesome too! (I know I've written about it before, I'm just too lazy to find the post reference).

In fact, as long as you bring a backpack of scooby snacks (and NOT actual dog treats fools, I'm talking about snacks like fruit or graham crackers or gatorade or chips), any museum or other such informative place can be fun. You don't have to take your kids all the way out to Virginia to learn about colonial times, when there's a place called New Salem in Illinois (I've been there when I was 8 or 9, and that place was cool).

Disneyland (or world) is worth the trip but that's just because you can't find any other place like it. You can only go to Six Flags so much.

This leaves us with the Sears Tower. Now, as a Chicagoan, I'm proud that the Sears Tower made it to the list of places you should go. And you certainly learn a lot being up there (and it's scary, too). But the thing is, part of the fun is when you live in Chicago and you start looking for places like your house, your school, the corner store, that place where that one guy got beat up, etc. The Sears Tower offers probably once of the most breathtaking views of a city you'll ever see, but you can just as easily get that view in an airplane.

If you are coming to Chicago, I'd suggest you take the kidlets to Navy Pier. There's rides, IMAX, shops where you can spend your money, good food, live shows, and even a greenhouse. That's a place they won't get tired of going to until they get older and realize there's clubs and bars they could be trying to go to.

Playing a Little Catch Up With Random Thoughts

Wow it's been a while. Almost a week, to be exact.

For some strange reason, I guess I just haven't quite been in the mood to blog. I haven't been keeping up with my cell phone blog, and I'm finally realizing just how much maintenance it takes to keep two blogs up. Even though I don't really do anything all day, I STILL manage to procrastinate blogging. I guess it's because I was so used to doing it when I had something better to do. Now that it's that "better thing to do", I don't wanna do it anymore. I tell you about being a procrastinator.

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I'd like to begin this post with a list of my most recent accomplishments:

1. I finished watching every episode in all 12 seasons of South Park. Yes, this makes me a geek. But I don't care.
-Side note: I've adapted a little South Park lingo into my everyday conversation. Like saying "I'm seriously" instead of "I'm serious". And "Jesus tap-dancing Christ".
2. After having tried for months to watch this movie, I finally watched Half Baked in its entirety, and realized that it's really probably much better if you're baked when you watch it. Or at least if you're not alone.
3. I watched the entire first season of Chappelle's Show over again. Have you ever noticed how short that show is? I remember now why I used to hate watching it on tv: every two seconds he kept going to commercial! Jesus tap-dancing Christ!
4. I watched Katt Williams' American Hustle last night. Didn't stay awake through the whole thing, but it doesn't matter because I've watched that movie enough to know it by heart.
5. I got so bored that I decided it was a good idea to copy the US Constitution by hand. I made it all the way to Article I Section 4 before I was cautioned to stop, seeing as the endeavor was pointless. If I had a dictionary, I'd have started copying from that. Hey, Malcolm X did it!
6. Have you noticed that in order for me to have possibly gotten all of this done in the last two days, I have to have done NOTHING? Well, that's right. It sure feels nice to be able to sit in front of a tv (okay, my computer) for two days straight and not gain an obscene amount of weight. Then again, I guess I'd have had to eat more than two granola bars and cheese crackers in the span of like 48 hours (from Thursday night to last night at like 2 in the morning) to really gain that much weight.

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Remember Lite Brites? Those things were the SHIT next to Easy Bake Ovens. For those of you who may have been deprived of such childhood pleasures, Lite Brites were devices that were very simple. It was basically a big plastic box with a light bulb, and a black sheet of paper with little designs stenciled out. You put the paper in front of the light bulb on this little screen, and you push tiny colorful light bulbs into the paper to make wonderful light creations. Lite Brites had ENDLESS possibilties for two reasons. First, it came with so many stencils and blank pieces of paper you couldn't have finished them in one night if you tried. Second, it was a nighttime activity (you had to have the room completely dark to fully enjoy the liteness of the light bulbs), so your mom wouldn't let you stay up late enough to do more than like two stencils at a time.

Lite Brites were not toys that lasted forever, though. Inevitably, you'd lose those damned light bulbs, or find other more ingenious uses for them than sticking them in a sheet of paper. Then the light bulb would go out, and by then you've turned the papers into other things and you only have three light bulbs left and your mom won't buy you the expansion pack because you didn't take care of the original supplies so you're just out of luck.

I ask this because I referred to myself as a lite brite earlier to a friend and something in my brain clicked. Just why are light skinned people known as lite brites? Last I checked, lite brites aren't light...it's a black piece of paper with colorful light bulbs!! And last I checked also, I'm not colorful. I'm just light skinned with brown eyes and brown hair.

I just don't see the connection...

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Normally people have allergy problems in like August or early spring, when there's pollen about and all over gobbedlygook. Well, my allergies sprung up when it got cold. So I guess it was a change-of-weather phenomenon or something. Used to be when the weather changed from hot to cold and cold to hot I would just have a bronchitis flare-up. Now? I get asthma attacks and wake up with a terrible postnasal drip. So it's either I'm going to cough a lung out or I can't breathe at all due to narrow air passages and overzealous mucus. This also means I'm either going to be puffing albuterol from an inhaler or popping benadryl like it's vitamins. I'm still trying to decide which is worse.

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I would like to make a very important clarification on behalf of all my fellow Chicagoans.

We are not used to living in cold weather. We are used to weather fluctuations. They are two different things.

Everybody else has even weather. You know when it's spring, fall, winter, and summer. Seasons are consistent and dependable (okay maybe not, but they aren't that bad).

In Chicago we're all confused and that's probably why it always feels colder. We don't get steady winters where it's always cold. A winter can go from 50 to 0 degrees in range, and we can have 30 degree weather changes from day to day! Summers are either super super hot or so mild you wouldn't think it were summer if it weren't July. Spring must run on colored people time because it never comes fast enough (we have snow in April. April, ya'll!! Ain't that some crap?) and fall just...well fall doesn't exist. It seems like it goes from hot to cold real quick.

When you've got weather fluctuations like this, OF COURSE it's going to seem like an extreme place to live. It is! It feels so cold because the cold is not constant.

Now, I'm in Dekalb right now, which is a good 80 miles away from Chicago. And the weather's not much better out here either. In fact, I'm looking out the window now and just a few minutes ago leaves were blowing and I couldn't tell if it was raining or snowing. And just as suddenly as it started, it stopped and it looks like the sun may come out.

I tell you about this weather.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Bored? Ha...Yeah, Me Too

I'm pretty proud of my unproductive day today. I watched two whole movies and played two fun games. I suppose I'll share my time-consuming activities here, given I'm not doing anything better at 1 in the morning.

Movie #1: Superbad

Yes, I'm months late, but I finally watched Superbad today. And Superbad is, well, super bad. It didn't have much of a plot (go figure) and the movie lasted a whole two draggy hours about one freakin day (go figure again) and it was just so, well, stupid! Basically, two borderline gay high school seniors are on a wild ass mission to get liquor for a party where they want to get two girls stupid drunk so they can get laid (except one guy, he's a pussy). Maybe I thought it was bad because I had really high expectations going in, but man, that movie is dumb. The only good thing that came out of that experience was now I understand all the super bad inside jokes (pun intended).

Movie #2: 12 Angry Men

Do you like movies where someone says something and someone else retorts and it's like a "Daaaammmmmnnnnn....got yo ass" moment? 12 Angry Men is that movie. Now however bad Superbad was, 12 Angry Men made up for it more than triple. That movie is so damn GOOD! In this movie, there's a jury of 12 men deciding whether or not to send an 18 year old boy to the electric chair for killing his father. At first everyone thinks he's guilty...except one man (Henry Fonda) who thinks this boy deserves some consideration. I won't tell you the rest because it spoils the movie but man is Henry Fonda a good actor. This movie is a true classic. I DEFINITELY recommend watching this if you haven't already seen it.

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Now on to the games.

Game #1: Flash Flash Revolution

I know you've heard of Dance Dance Revolution; it's been popular since I was in grammar school. Well, it's been made into a version you can play on the computer, using your fingers instead of your feet. Man, oh man. If you're a DDR fan you'll LOVE this game. It's addictive because you want to complete songs but they can be pretty difficult. You can click here to check it out.

Game #2: Gravitation

Okay, Gravitation is an indie game. The graphics are circa Pole Position and so is the music, but man, what a game. It's the first video game I ever played that actually made me feel remorseful after playing it. You'll just have to play the game to see what I mean. It requires download but you can grab it here. I only played it once because it was just a kind of depressing game. But it's worth a play.


See? This is what I do with my free time. I play indie games and watch random movies. But hey, it keeps me occupied.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Paving The Way To Tomorrow

You know what really grinds my gears?

When people try to discourage you from something you really want to do.

Case in point: I'm a Business Administration major, and after I graduate (and I'd like to graduate magna cum laude, so I'd really better get my ass on the ball and stop all these Friday Night Lights escapades after this semester) I'd like to obtain both my MBA and my JD at the same time.

For those who aren't sure what i'm talking about, MBA is Master's in Business Administration and JD is Juris Doctorate, which is a Doctor of Law.

When people ask me what I'm studying, and I tell them business administration, their favorite question is "What are you going to do with that?", as if there's absolutely NOTHING you can do with a business administration degree.

So when they ask me what I'm going to do with my degree, I say I'm going to go to grad school and get my MBA and law degree.

Their mouths drop open. "Both?!" they may say, with a mix of confusion and disbelief. "That's a lot of years of school."

I know, I retort, which is why I'm going to get both at the same time.

Mouths hit the ground. "Both at the same time?!?!?! Wow...that's a lot of work. Are you sure you can handle it?"

If I didn't think I could handle it, you num nuts, I wouldn't have considered doing it in the first place. But I calmly reply that yes, I'm sure I can handle it. Unless it's humanely impossible, which plenty of people have disproven, then I should be fine.

"So what are you going to do after that?"

I'm going to find a decent damn job, pay my bills, be a good girlfriend/wife to my boyfriend/husband, and STILL have enough money left over for Armani manicures and the sleek black Escalade I've always wanted (with enough money to pay for gas, as well). But instead, I shrug with an "I don't know". Sure, it's a credibility diminishing move, but I don't really feel like continuing this conversation. Plus, whoever I'm talking to has already shown that they aren't terribly supportive, so I just don't think they'd understand my dreams.

"You don't know? Maybe you should start getting an idea, you know, before you go through all that schooling."

And here is where I normally end the conversation. I don't have to know what I want to do with my life yet. That's the joy of being in college: you're allowed to find yourself, try out all sorts of new things that you would have never been exposed to otherwise, and from there you can figure out what you're going to do with the rest of your life. I was able to realize relatively early that I have a liking for business and law. So I'm going to study in school what interests me.

In all reality, I want to be a CEO of a huge Fortune 500 company one day. I want to be one of those super powerful women that call all the shots. Why the law degree? Law degrees are badass. Do you know how nice a JD looks when it's framed next to a super badass MBA? And, I'm also greatly interested in law (which explains why 12 Angry men is one of my favorite movies), so if I can't be a super rich CEO I can at least be a badass lawyer like the ones on Law and Order. Or, if I'm lucky, I get to be a supercool badass corporate or entertainment lawyer, and since I'll understand business I'll be knocking off heads and taking names later.

And this is something I'm doing for myself, not for any num num knucklehead yuk yuks who think they know everything there is to know about succeeding in life.

I appreciate your concern. But as for your advice? Thanks, but no thanks.

I got this.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Friday Night Lights...Parte Uno

I meant to recap last night much earlier, but I was waiting on some pictures of the night to go on Facebook. Unfortunately, people are slacking on the picture posting, so I'll just share some pics of the night that I took.

First, let me say that I was itching to go out last night. I've been trapped in the house all week because of this knee (nope, still no better), so of course when I heard that my boyfriend's fraternity was throwing a huge open party, I knew I had to not only appear but to STUNT. I even had my swag on ten.

Of course, I started out the night wearing almost nothing, and by the time I went home I had gym shoes, joggers, and a coat. I came up!

Oh, and I almost fought a girl at Big Bro's house, because she tried to pull rank on me. First of all, I hate airheaded bitches. And I hate ones that say stupid stuff and then try to throw in a nice phrase after it. Like she thought saying "I'm not trying to be rude" was going to soften the situation! She better thank her God that Amardo stopped me, because he saw I was ready to go South Side on her.

And no, it wasn't the straight Captain I drank. I wasn't even drunk when I tried to beat her ass. I DID, however, try to do the Captain Morgan pose....whenever I get a hold of that picture I'll post it immediately lol...

Anyway, here's just a sample of my night last night:




I definitely have my leg wrapped around a pole. Yes, it's like that.


My bff Bushra...most down to earth girl EVER!


Look at the interracial couple! We'd make pretty Blaxican babies!


I had to post this cuz we black people gotta stick together...and it's hilarious how Jay Cossey is always trying to lick someone in a picture!

Monday, October 13, 2008

A Modest Proposal

I've been thinking on a couple of things recently and just thought I'd get them off my chest.

I HATE DUMB BITCHES.

By dumb bitches, I don't mean the dumb bitch that does stupid things once in a while but means no harm by it; those are misguided bitches.

And I also don't mean the dumb bitches that do things for love, like marry a guy after 2 weeks or get his name tattooed on her neck after a month of dating. Those girls are in love and so don't always see reason.

I mean dumb bitches that are just dumb because they think it's cute, or are just oblivious to the world around them. They are the ones that come out with stupid shit. My favorite dumb bitch quote: "I want to have brain surgery because you have to stay awake and it looks cool."

I petition that these particular individuals be placed on their own little island somewhere far away from ME so that they can learn to survive with all sorts of other airheaded bitches just like themselves. I would say throw men with them but we don't want these females to reproduce and make any dumb bitch babies that grow up to terrorize my own children one day with stupidity.

Of course, maybe some people aren't as affected by Dumb Bitch Syndrome as others, and those who have some hopes of returning to intelligent life should be sent to rehab. Perhaps a little common sense therapy wouldn't hurt. And if they don't respond well to treatment...SEND THEM TO THE ISLAND!!!

I'm sure it will make life so much easier...

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I keep it real. Too real, sometimes. And it seems I've lost a friend or two because of it.

Well, I didn't lose a friend. But she won't tell me anything anymore because she's afraid I'm going to yell at her, because OF COURSE you should be afraid of a 5'4", 120 lb girl yelling at you because of the next stupid thing you've done. Riiiiiight.

Then again, she's the type of girl that needs constant affirmation to feel like her life means something, and I'm probably not the person you want to go to for that.

But this is starting to kind of hurt.

She's getting MARRIED, ya'll. Yep, she picked the wedding date and everything. According to my other best friend, I'm supposed to be in her wedding party. But this girl hasn't even told me about it yet. She's afraid I'm going to yell at her.

YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I'M GONNA YELL!! When you've known a dude for a week and suddenly decide he's your soulmate, SOMEBODY needs to slap you in the face to bring you back to reality. And when you're trying to have a baby with this man, given that YOU'RE STILL A STUDENT and don't even have the esteem or maturity to support your damn self, somebody needs to push you down a flight of stairs or two (might as well kill two birds with one stone).

My other best friend, who has been keeping me in the loop cuz this one sure doesn't, told me yesterday that not only is she trying to marry a guy she's dated for a month, but they are trying to have a baby now and she wanted to get a tattoo of his name.

I don't think her mother would have flipped out on her as hard as I did. Especially with the tattoo part. I would have jumped through that phone and beat her ever-lovin ass.

But I didn't tell her everything I told her because I want to sabotage her life, or because I want her to be unhappy, and that's where the line between a friend and a really good best friend is drawn. She knows that as much as I may have yelled at her, I only do it because I know this girl and I've been to hell and back with her. When everybody else was against her I stood next to her, risking my own reputation as well.

I believe that a friend will tell you what you want to hear to make you feel better. A best friend will tell you that you're being stupid and to shut the hell up, which won't feel good at the time but you'll realize later on that that was probably the best advice you could have ever gotten.

And THEN, on top of all that, another one of my friends is having boyfriend problems. Now, when it comes to boyfriend problems, I have a "put up or shut up" mentality, even with my own relationship. I feel a person has a right to be happy in their relationship and if they aren't happy, they reserve the opportunity to try to change things, whether it be by talking things out or maybe changing their own perspectives. And if that doesn't work, they reserve the right to leave and find someone who will make them happy.

Let me also say that I've never been the type to break up a relationship, ever. I never tell my friends to break up with someone. But I will tell them (in my very straightforward way) that if they aren't happy they need to figure out why and find some way to change things so they are.

So this friend is having problems, and she complains about them to everybody: me, our other friend, my boyfriend, my big bro, and countless other people. We could be talking about something completely unrelated and suddenly we're on the topic of how bad he treats her: Strike 1.

Then, if anyone complains about how her man is treating her, she wants to one-up her, talking about "well if you thought YOUR man did YOU bad, wait til you hear what mine did to me", because of course we want to all flaunt whose boyfriend is the worst to us. I hate it when people try to one-up me all the time. So what if your man is a total ass...it makes me happier that mine isn't. What, do you want a fuckin cookie now?? Strike 2.

And now, she's talking mad shit about how she's concentrating on herself and how she's so big and bad but she's letting this dude trample all over her. Or she talks mad shit about how he doesn't care when she's around guys, but she talks about how sweet he is when she's talking to me. Pick one story and stick to it!! Strike muthafuckin 3.

One of these days, she's going to be depressed, and she's gonna bitch about how her man isn't treating her right, and she's gonna tell my boyfriend all about how her man ain't shit. And on that day, I'm not going to be in any mood for her bullshit. And she's gonna say something and I'm gonna turn around and treat her. I don't do it often but when I wanna get smartmouthed I can hurt people.

My moral of the day is this: Women, if yo man ain't shit...LEAVE HIM ALONE!! Ain't shit niggas need to be with ain't shit bitches, and you, girl, are not that bitch.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Untitled As of Now

We all need it,
want it:
confidence.
It watches us from afar
waiting on us to accept it
But we don't.
We instead find ways to deny it.
We ignore it.
We say it lies.
We don't believe in it,
so it abandons us.
Whether you're scared,
depressed,
nervous,
or just feeling down, you need it
unfortunately it is in these times
that it's hardest to find it.
We let things we can't control take it away
we let them hurt our self-esteem
we let them make us doubtful.
We have dreams and we want to make them
but as each failure hits us it chips away at us
and we start to think thoughts that push it even further away.
We start to think we aren't beautiful
because we can't compete with the tv.
We start to think we aren't good enough
when we don't make the team.
We start to think we aren't successful
because someone makes more money than we.
It's a never ending cycle
Because no matter how good you are
how determined you are,
how successful you are,
how beautiful you are,
there's always gonna be someone
better, more determined, more successful, more beautiful
And maybe our confidence will come back
if we embrace this fact rather than fight it.
If we realize that we are the best to us
maybe we'd be happier.
If we stopped trying to be everything we're not
and started being everything we are
maybe our life would feel more purposeful
and when that happens
we won't need to be the best looking or the most thoughtful
it won't matter what we are to other people
because in the end
all that really matters is
who we are to ourselves...

Saturday, October 11, 2008

What A Night

Goodness gracious.

I shouldn't even be blogging right now. I've got a feeling I might still be a little drunk.

Countless jello shots, smirnoff, and UV will do that to you.

I went to a sex toy party last night for the very first time, and it was actually a pretty exciting experience. For those who may have never attended one, it's basically like one of those Tupperware parties except with vibrators and creams. The woman presenting was NOT FUNNY though...she was actually really lame, and she thought it was an amazing idea to insert "grandma" into the most awkward situations, like "Put this calendar on your grandma's fridge so she can try positions" and all other kinds of things that just were not funny. To her credit, she tried, and we had a few genuinely hilarious moments (what can't be hilarious when a group of girls are passing around vibrators that rotate??).

Guys, if you don't know what items you're competing with, you need to hightail it to a sex store IMMEDIATELY and see your competition.

I had been warned by Amardo before I went to the party not to buy any dildos, which is understandable. Why would I need a dildo when I have him?? Duh...

So I bought this cream that numbs whatever you put it on and some love dice.

Probably the best thing about this party wasn't the toys I got. It was the people I met. I met some really cool girls and was in the middle of a big ass party talking to my jello shot buddy about whether or not she had just had sex with her boyfriend and whether she had used something she just bought. You can only see that type of bonding at a sex toy party.

Girls (and guys too if ya'll want, even though that's kinda gay), if you haven't been to one, FIND ONE. Go to it. I'm convinced that this is something every girl needs to attend at least once.

Right now I swear I'm still drunk so I think I'm going to drink some Gatorade to prevent a hangover and watch TV until I pass out. I'm sure I'll be blogging later, though.