Friday, March 28, 2008

Checking In...

Okay, so my last post was a little...over the edge, to say the least. No doubt I truly felt the way I did as I was typing it, and I don't retract any of my statements. Part of knowing me is to know ALL the sides of me, not just the pleasant face I put on around people most of the time. Part of knowing me is knowing when I'm on the edge and I feel like I'm going to fall off.

I don't feel like that now. I'm actually pretty happy. Why, you might say? I've been soon as I get the deposit and sign the lease with my two new roomies, I will be leasing my very own apartment. Imagine...19 years old, in an apartment. My own mother won't even be able to say that. I'll be pulling my own weight and paying my own bills (along with my roomies). Think of the responsibility! It feels wonderful. It'll be my room, finally, that I pay for and furnish. And I don't have to move out in a year, or even at the end of the year. It's mine, and I can stay there for as long as I want. What an amazing feeling...

Monday, March 24, 2008

I'm Not Supposed To Be Writing Again...

...But here I am, pissed as hell, typing in this blog. I can't do homework. I can barely even think straight. This is what happens when you try to help people...I guess I should just give it up. So you know what, world? Once again you've held me down. Once again you've defeated me. I'm tired. I'm frustrated. And I can't handle this type of stress. So I give up. No more advice. You want to know how I feel? Too bad. There's no place in this world for people like me, people who only want to help, people who have the best interests for those they care about in mind. I try so hard to help everyone else. I try so hard to look out for everyone else. Yet, I get so caught up in the intricacies of helping everyone else that I forget about myself. And everything is getting to me. I just broke a mechanical pencil into almost unrecognizable shards. Tore it completely apart. And I'm still shaking. This is bad...very bad. I didn't want to get to this point again, but here I am: violent and ready to break anything (or body) that comes in my way. This is what I get for trying to look out. This is what I get for trying to be helpful. My heart is racing. I'm almost seeing red...what do I do? Go to sleep? Just swallow it all down and move on? BUT I CANT DO THAT. I can't continue to pretend like nothing is wrong. I can't continue to act like I'm not upset when I am. What next? Indifference? I care too much to not care, but I see me caring is only getting me to the place where I am now: so pissed that if this computer were not so dear to me I would have thrown it out the window. I just want to punch somebody. I want to be able to see the pain I feel. I want to take a glass bottle and watch it shatter, watch its contents spill across the floor. If I had the strength, I'd rip a telephone book in half just to know I did it. I feel destructive. I feel almost like I'm starting to go crazy. I know this post isn't helping my image at all, either, but at this point I just don't care. Why care? When you extend care to people who don't want to hear it, the only person who's hurt in the end is yourself. I want to scream. I want to just go outside and let it all out, scream until the tears fall, then scream until my voice gives out, then scream until my breath gives out and I fall to the ground, once again powerless. I just want to hyperventilate and feel the burn in my lungs until the world starts spinning and then everything goes black. I want to feel that intense pressure you feel when you fall and hit the ground hard. I want to cry but crying is not powerful enough. I feel like I have to throw up. I just want this pain to go away. I want this anguish to go away, I want the hurt to go away, I want the loneliness to go away.

I want a lot of things. Too bad I can't have any of it.


It's happened...I have officially slacked AGAIN. I don't know how this always happens. But the number was right there: 60 out of 100 on my Chemistry test. What? I used to have a really good grade in that class. And now, I've dropped. I might still have an A just because my other grades were so good. But this is just unacceptable to the nth degree. What am I doing with my life that's so important that my grades must fall? Drinking? Smoking? Spending so much time on Facebook and Myspace and even this blog that I can't study? Socializing? I should disable my Facebook account! I should swear off these addicting social networking sites for good. I should...I should...I don't know what I should do. Quite frankly, I haven't been focusing the way I should be. I'm too busy talking or watching movies or literally doing nothing, as if I don't have things to do. I stay up too late watching Amardo play Madden. This is bullshit. I told myself after last semester I wouldn't let my grades fall again, and this is what I do? Go right back to slacking again?

I refuse to study at the library. It's too quiet. I'd like to study in Amardo's room, but unfortunately I fear this is becoming more of a distraction than being in my dorm room was. There's too much traffic in and out of here. What to do, what to do? I don't know. I don't give up. But this has got to end, right here, right now. There's gonna be some changes, and people may not like them. But it's gotta be done. Business people's schedule: here I come. Tomorrow I will talk again...deuces

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Different Day, Same Shit

...That's one of my favorite quotes. My mom has a shirt with Calvin and Hobbes that says it...she won't let me wear it, though, because of the profanity. I think it's absolutely hilarious. And the quote is so true...

Here I am, in my normal spot on Amardo's bed, about to do my normal bit of procrastination before I jump into doing some homework. Actually, the fact that I'm blogging in the first place shows that I'm trying to put off doing my work. It's not like I'm really doing anything else right now, either.

Oh yeah...Happy Easter everyone! ...That's for all the people who still consider Easter a holiday. Personally, since I was young, Easter never turned out to be much more than just another day. I stopped decorating eggs so long ago I barely would remember how to do it now. I haven't gotten a fancy Easter basket in years, not that it mattered anyway because I could never eat the candy inside...My aunt bought me a basket a few years ago but it wasn't like the big one, it was more of a gift bag type of thing. It was still cute. But gone are the days when I used to go out for Easter (not that there were very many). We used to dress up and go to church for Easter...I won't even do that now. My mom used to cook...back when she used to cook...but now Auntie Wanie does more of that. I'm still in Dekalb, though, and honestly, the word "Easter" no longer holds any true value to me. It's just an excuse for kids to get lots of candy and stupid toys and for my aunt to have to cook dinner for the girls. I'm not terribly religious, so I don't really celebrate the religious aspect of the holiday. Take away the candy, the dinner, and the religion, and what do you have?? Exactly. Just another day.

Unfortunately, this brings to mind the lack of excitement I feel when Christmas comes around. Think about it: my mom hasn't gotten me a Christmas present in quite a while, so I don't expect anything from her. Half the family doesn't even come to the Christmas dinner anymore, and until this year it's not like I had anything to do at the dinner anyway. I got a lot of money, which of course I was thankful for, but that's basically all Christmas means to me. We didn't even have a stupid tree decorated. We don't really have a legitimate Christmas tree, either. When I was young, my mom would assemble our huge ass 6 ft. tree, then my grandmother and I would decorate it with ornaments, icicles, lights, and angel hair (angel hair is the worst, though, it's so pretty but it itches!!). Then we would turn off the lights in the living room and turn on the lights on the tree. I would get a book and sit right by the tree, almost underneath it, enjoying the warmth of the house and the excitement having a tree would bring.

But what's the point of having a tree if no presents will go under it? And after a while, that's what started to happen. The living room would be filled with boxes and toys. Then, it stopped. Soon, Christmas became so predictable that I didn't need to wrap anything, and neither did anyone else. Then we got to the point we're at now, where Christmas has just become another day.

Do we all go through this cycle? Do holidays remain magical just for the first couple of years of a child's life, only to be depressingly squashed when they reach a certain age? Is this really what children have to look forward to? And then do we, as adolescents, just watch the time go past until we are the parents, telling the same magical lies to our own children, buying the same gifts, convincing them that bunnies hiding dyed eyes exist and that a fat man will break into the house to leave them presents? Why lie to your children when they are young if they will only be disappointed later?? Sure, it's cute to tell them that a mystic fairy will give them money if they leave their teeth under their pillow, but what happens when the mystic fairy loses her job or overdraws on her bank account? What happens when Santa's house gets foreclosed and he can't afford to buy little kids toys anymore?

When the gifts are gone, the relatives are old, and everything is said and done, holidays become nothing but just a ordinary day spent remembering when they used to be extraordinary.

Saturday, March 22, 2008


Now that I'm feeling better than I did earlier, and I'm bored as hell, it's time for me to go ahead and write about something i think about often. Why do men always have to be such...males? Staying in the frat house has taught me some important lessons about males, especially frat guys.

1: they are homo AS HELL!!! But they only do it to each other, and only cuz they're all brothers. But it's still funny sometimes.
2: Ohdeez are some THIEVES when it comes to stuff in the house. They don't call it stealing...they call it cuffing. But anything is up for grabs. Chips, pop, water, toilet paper...don't leave anything laying around, because if they see it they will cuff it. My boyfriend has got to be one of the worst cuffers in the history of cuffing...he gets EVERYTHING i have. Everything. Nothing is safe. The only time I can enjoy a meal myself is if I DON"T EAT AROUND HIM.
3: I've come to the conclusion that Spanglish is the official OhDee language. I say that because even the guys who aren't Latino speak some sort of Spanish to each other. I'm gonna be fluent by the time I leave this house.
4: Guys are straightforward as FUCK. I mean these guys will announce just about any bodily action they do (or plan to do). ANYTHING. I've heard so many disgusting things in this house its not even funny.
5: OhDeez are all about money, hoes, cars, and clothes. And they share everything. When I say everything, I mean everything. They share hoes and clothes for sure. It's pretty funny.

I think I ran out of stuff for instead of trying to think about more, I'm just going to end my blogging for the day. I'll talk again later...deuces.


It's 11 on a Saturday morning...I haven't woke up this early voluntarily for almost a week and i wait until the day i DON'T have class to get up all early and feeling productive. It's day after a party morning at the house...everyone is basically just chilling, recovering from their night of hitting the bars or drinking jagerbombs in the room and playing poker. It's actually almost unsettlingly quiet. You can see the cars of the people who got drunk last night and stayed at the house all parked out in the parking lot. I just got done cleaning Amardo's room...there were beer cans and food containers and lighters and dishes and shot glasses and coke cans and spills ALL OVER THE PLACE. I'm actually not feeling all that hot right now myself. I'm not really hungover but I just don't feel all that good. I think it has more to do with this scar I got on my throat from the stupid hookah the night before last than anything else. Well, I'll write a little later when I feel a little better...for now I'm gonna go mingle with all the other Ohdeez. Deuces

Sunday, March 16, 2008


Well, I'm back in Dekalb, finally. It's only been a week for spring break, but it felt like forever. I never expected I would get so attached to this small town in the middle of nowhere...I definitely missed being able to call an establishment at 2 in the morning and still be able to get delivery. Most of all, I missed being with Amardo all the time. Sitting on my bed in my room doing homework alone was so difficult...I couldn't stop thinking about him. It almost physically hurt to not be able to see him as much as i usually do. It was even difficult to fall asleep because I'm not used to sleeping alone and it was unpleasantly different. The bed felt colder and lonelier.

Today has been a day of mood swings. I woke up in the worst mood, then got in a really good mood when I got to Dekalb with Amardo. But now I feel kind of melancholy. A boy, Ryan Garza, wrote a note on Facebook about Chris Pineda, the senior who was killed last year at Whitney Young. It really made me reflect on those days when he was missing and the unity our school shared.

I remember feeling so guilty as the situation unfolded because I hadn't known Chris. I'd known of him, but I hadn't known him personally, and sometimes I wish I could have at least met him or talked to him just so that I could have known the guy who had an entire school, and so many more, in tears. I hear so many people talk about their memories with him, and things they did together, and I can only imagine how terrible they must feel. I feel bad...what worries me most is not any personal connection I had with Chris. I was more frightened at the proximity of what happened. That's one of those things that just doesn't happen to your school, to your classmate, who was supposed to graduate with you in a few months. It was scary to think that just like that, in the blink of an eye, one less student would walk down the aisle with us. It was scary to think of one name that was crossed off the roster forever. One best friend gone, one boyfriend gone, one son gone. I look at a picture of my friends, and I don't know what I would do if I lost them. Just the thought of losing Amardo or any of my family brings tears to my eyes.

How does one get over this kind of stuff, not just once but over and over again? How do you wipe the tears away and raise your chin and move on? How do you find that inner peace? Does anyone know?

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

On Da Low...

Janet and I have decided what apartment we're moving into: Colonial Townhouses, preferably somewhere not so close to the OhDeez that they never leave us alone and not so far that our boyfriends can't come see us. We viewed one today, not that we really had to because we know people who live there already, and we've seen their apartment many times. But we still wanted to view it, just to be sure, and we made our final decision in the car outside the complex. Now to come up with the money...

Point #2: Scotty tried to eat Chippendale today. Stupid Scotty.

Point #3: Amardo is in Andrew's room with a bunch of people, and I take it they're smoking, because when he opened the door all on the low it was hazy as hell. I'm a little bothered by the way he treated me like an intruder...he wouldn't even open the door for me to come in, just cracked it. He said he thought I was the police...why in the FUCK would the police randomly walk up to Andrew's room of all rooms and decide to bust in? He's never been bothered by it before, so obviously there is something more to the story. Suppose I wanted to come in and chill? But oh well. Fuck it. I got shit to do, I got homework to do, and I honestly can't afford to spend anymore emotional energy on stupid things.

I'm already on edge, and I'm already stressed. I need for school to be over so I can finally relax these poor muscles of mine. I need for me not to know that my Spring break is about to be a mix of me scrambling to get the money for this deposit and doing as much studying as possible for the three exams coming up after break, plus the paper I have to turn in next week, plus the Psychology chapter(s) I'm going to have to read, plus the Philosophy that I am still SO behind in, plus studying for UBUS. And (mostly) living with Amardo has taught me to appreciate the small things, like walking into a clean room from a long day of classes, or opening the refrigerator to cold drinks and frozen treats. I see now why my aunt gets so stressed when she comes home from a long ass day of work to see a junky living room and a sink full of dirty dishes. It's a depressing sight to know that when you come home your day is not over yet.

Enough lollygagging on this blog. I have homework to do. Deuces

Monday, March 3, 2008

Break Time

It's 10:39 at night, and I'm only slightly done studying for my Psychology midterm tomorrow. I'm not really worried about the concepts...most of it was review for me anyway, and everything else is kind of common sense. For today to supposed to have been as busy as it was, it actually wasn't that bad. Except now I'm in cram mode, which is what I was trying to avoid in the first place. At least I already read everything, I just need to make sure I know definitions and things of the like. Not to mention, I have a UBUS assignment due Thursday that I haven't even started on, and I really haven't read the chapters or been in class, either. Looks like tomorrow is going to be another long ass day. And I have a LOT of Philosophy reading to catch up on. I really fell off the grind after that break, and now we're about to go on spring break and I've got 3 EXAMS and a project due the week after spring break. That means spring break is about to be a HUGE bummer. Oh well. I'm about to get back to hitting the books...I still have a lot to do and I need to get to bed early so that I know I'll wake up for class tomorrow. Until I have more time...deuces

Saturday, March 1, 2008


I'm sitting in Mike Ballou's room, smoking hookah with Mike, B-Rad, and Amardo, and discovered one of the most calming and relaxing feelings in the world. I take a deep inhale of the smoke and just let it wash over my face and chest. The smoke is surprisingly cold, and seeing the swirls of thick white air is just amazing. I guess hookah is pretty is, after all, flavored tobacco. What's more, though, is that it can be such a bonding thing. It's laid-back and relaxed. Look for us on YouTube next week some time. I finally learned how to do circles, but I don't have any pictures of me doing that though.

I had an interesting conversation with Amardo last night, and I thought I should write about the topic here since it's very important. When I started college, I was the typical freshman. I was doing a lot of stuff I wouldn't even have considered doing in high school. I got drunk for the very first time my first weekend there. A few weeks later I smoked my first blunt. College meant a lot of firsts for me.

And then I met Amardo and the rest of the Omega Delta family, and for some reason my whole outlook on the college experience changed. I guess it's because everyone is older than me, and they are beyond the freshness of freshman life. When you're surrounded by freshman, it's easy to fall into the trap of always partying, always going out, and not managing your time. And because you're not supposed to drink but it's a lot easier to get alcohol, you want to drink all the time, and drink to get drunk. But I'm not like that anymore...getting drunk has become unattractive and, depending on what I'm drinking, disgusting. Not to say I haven't been drunk since I've been hanging out at the OhDeez all the time...that would be a contradiction. I just feel worse about it now, and try to avoid it more than I used to.

Another thing that boosted my difference in opinion about the college life is the fact that I got very involved very quickly. I was made the president of my floor in November and held that position for two months until now, when I have become the treasurer of the Lincoln Hall Council. I also made it on the Student Advisory Board for the College of Business. That was a pretty nice accomplishment, seeing as I'm the only freshman to ever be on the board. Because of these two obligations, I have to go to a lot of meetings. Add in schoolwork and balancing friends and my boyfriend and things can get a little hectic. At the same time, I also have to make sure I maintain ties with my family at home. And now I'm about to pick up a job. I always stay busy...imagine how I'll be able to handle getting my MBA and my JD at the same time, probably still while working, and, by that time, working on a family? That's going to be crazy...