Well, I'm back in Dekalb, finally. It's only been a week for spring break, but it felt like forever. I never expected I would get so attached to this small town in the middle of nowhere...I definitely missed being able to call an establishment at 2 in the morning and still be able to get delivery. Most of all, I missed being with Amardo all the time. Sitting on my bed in my room doing homework alone was so difficult...I couldn't stop thinking about him. It almost physically hurt to not be able to see him as much as i usually do. It was even difficult to fall asleep because I'm not used to sleeping alone and it was unpleasantly different. The bed felt colder and lonelier.
Today has been a day of mood swings. I woke up in the worst mood, then got in a really good mood when I got to Dekalb with Amardo. But now I feel kind of melancholy. A boy, Ryan Garza, wrote a note on Facebook about Chris Pineda, the senior who was killed last year at Whitney Young. It really made me reflect on those days when he was missing and the unity our school shared.
I remember feeling so guilty as the situation unfolded because I hadn't known Chris. I'd known of him, but I hadn't known him personally, and sometimes I wish I could have at least met him or talked to him just so that I could have known the guy who had an entire school, and so many more, in tears. I hear so many people talk about their memories with him, and things they did together, and I can only imagine how terrible they must feel. I feel bad...what worries me most is not any personal connection I had with Chris. I was more frightened at the proximity of what happened. That's one of those things that just doesn't happen to your school, to your classmate, who was supposed to graduate with you in a few months. It was scary to think that just like that, in the blink of an eye, one less student would walk down the aisle with us. It was scary to think of one name that was crossed off the roster forever. One best friend gone, one boyfriend gone, one son gone. I look at a picture of my friends, and I don't know what I would do if I lost them. Just the thought of losing Amardo or any of my family brings tears to my eyes.
How does one get over this kind of stuff, not just once but over and over again? How do you wipe the tears away and raise your chin and move on? How do you find that inner peace? Does anyone know?