Monday, March 24, 2008

I'm Not Supposed To Be Writing Again...

...But here I am, pissed as hell, typing in this blog. I can't do homework. I can barely even think straight. This is what happens when you try to help people...I guess I should just give it up. So you know what, world? Once again you've held me down. Once again you've defeated me. I'm tired. I'm frustrated. And I can't handle this type of stress. So I give up. No more advice. You want to know how I feel? Too bad. There's no place in this world for people like me, people who only want to help, people who have the best interests for those they care about in mind. I try so hard to help everyone else. I try so hard to look out for everyone else. Yet, I get so caught up in the intricacies of helping everyone else that I forget about myself. And everything is getting to me. I just broke a mechanical pencil into almost unrecognizable shards. Tore it completely apart. And I'm still shaking. This is bad...very bad. I didn't want to get to this point again, but here I am: violent and ready to break anything (or body) that comes in my way. This is what I get for trying to look out. This is what I get for trying to be helpful. My heart is racing. I'm almost seeing red...what do I do? Go to sleep? Just swallow it all down and move on? BUT I CANT DO THAT. I can't continue to pretend like nothing is wrong. I can't continue to act like I'm not upset when I am. What next? Indifference? I care too much to not care, but I see me caring is only getting me to the place where I am now: so pissed that if this computer were not so dear to me I would have thrown it out the window. I just want to punch somebody. I want to be able to see the pain I feel. I want to take a glass bottle and watch it shatter, watch its contents spill across the floor. If I had the strength, I'd rip a telephone book in half just to know I did it. I feel destructive. I feel almost like I'm starting to go crazy. I know this post isn't helping my image at all, either, but at this point I just don't care. Why care? When you extend care to people who don't want to hear it, the only person who's hurt in the end is yourself. I want to scream. I want to just go outside and let it all out, scream until the tears fall, then scream until my voice gives out, then scream until my breath gives out and I fall to the ground, once again powerless. I just want to hyperventilate and feel the burn in my lungs until the world starts spinning and then everything goes black. I want to feel that intense pressure you feel when you fall and hit the ground hard. I want to cry but crying is not powerful enough. I feel like I have to throw up. I just want this pain to go away. I want this anguish to go away, I want the hurt to go away, I want the loneliness to go away.

I want a lot of things. Too bad I can't have any of it.

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