Out of the Darkness

Life is one hell of a roller coaster.

There are two roller coasters that I've rode that would perfectly describe my life. One, the Raging Bull, is at Six Flags Great America in Gurnee. The other is El Toro at Six Flags Great...Adventure (?? maybe) in New Jersey. The Raging Bull, the tallest roller coaster at the park, doesn't go upside down but plummets you from high, high up all the way underground. The first hill was so high I screamed at the top of my lungs as we dropped but NO sound came out. That should tell you something. And as for El Toro: I had a huge panic attack and almost passed out when we got to the front of the line and it was almost my turn to get on, so that alone should tell you how bad THAT ride was for me.

So for me to compare my life to these, you know some crap is going on.

Yesterday I called the city college close to my house to find out what my status would be if I applied to be a student. And you know what they told me? I can't apply. Because I have that balance from Northern I can't get my transcripts. And I MUST submit transcripts from any institution I've attended to apply. Therefore, unless I pay that balance, I'm stuck out of school.

On the one hand, I can understand the system. They don't want students going around stiffing schools and then coming to them and possibly leaving them a bill. I'm not angry at the policy. I'm angry at the system that made school so GODDAMN expensive that helped get me to where I'm at today.

When I found that out yesterday, I cried for an hour. Disbelief and shock turned to pure anger and hatred, and I raged about the system, the government, and greedy educators. i cursed the whole world. I cried and raged myself into a pounding headache.

But I woke up today a different girl. And when I showered this morning, I prayed. Sure, a shower is a weird place to talk to God, but I just wanted to be cleansed from head to toe and I figured that was the best place to do it. I asked God to help me, to find a way. I told Him that I knew he was trying to tell me something, and that I was ready to listen. And the bathroom seemed brighter, and I felt lighter. I came out of that shower ready to fight. There's no turning back or giving up now.

My aunt told me last night that everything happens for a reason. There's a reason I found out that I can't apply to Chicago State. To go to a city college would be to run away, to allow this problem to fester and wait for dealing later. I need to challenge this beast head on. I've even started to think of it as a blessing in disguise. Things fall in place for a certain reason. There's a reason I happened to walk into DSW with an application when the hiring manager was there, and a reason I started training four days later.

And there's a reason I'm happier in Chicago. My uncle knew what he was talking about when he said to come back. I have emotions, emotions that run deeply for Dekalb and the people there. For my boyfriend, who I didn't want to leave the most. For my best friends, my roommates (who I feel excluded from sometimes but honestly, they're good people), the world there. But in Chicago, I'm removed from all of that. I've been able to focus on myself and on doing what I need to do to make things better. I still have my connections to Dekalb. I miss Amardo and my friends terribly. But for once I needed to put my business and life ahead of emotions and others, and I needed this distance more than anything I've ever needed. I've always felt that focusing on myself was selfish, and that I should spend as much as my time making other people happy, because I get joy from bringing happiness to others, from knowing that my influence has made some change in their lives. But in order to give happiness you must possess it within yourself.

And I've also learned it's time to let go. Of the past, of what happened before. Letting go doesn't mean forgetting; it means learning the lesson to be learned and moving on. I've made a lot of mistakes. I carry physical scars but my mental scars are much more numerous. But it's time to heal. The time for grieving has passed. The time for depression has passed.

I'm ready to fight.