I hate it when I do this.
I get super fired up about an idea that I KNOW will benefit me in the long run if I just do it. Or I read a self help book and am ready to change my life, to be successful, to have a better understanding of the world. And then, halfway through, I lose steam. Suddenly the why nots outnumber the whys and I leave the project hanging, only to come back to it later and abandon it again.
I'm tempted to blame it on laziness, but I know I'm not lazy to the point of stupidity. Besides, laziness is an assumed trait and one that can be very much controlled. No, there's some greater emotion that's keeping me from starting a self-enriching project and actually seeing it through.
What I'm scared of, I don't know. I'd like to say it's easy to point out, like a fear of rejection or a fear of failure. The fear I speak of is different: it's the fear of losing something when you've got nothing to lose. It may not seem like much of a fear, but I believe it's what holds me back now.
If you've ever read a self-help book such as The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People or Don't Sweat the Small Stuff or even Think and Grow Rich, and you read it seriously, you may begin to develop this motivation to get out and be a better person. I know I do, every time I read one. I always want to start fresh and wake up a new person. And for a while, my new ideals will stick. I'll make goals, have dreams, and become determined to be in control of my life.
Then something happens. It happens when I try to write certain blog posts. It happens when I have great ideas. I just lose steam, suddenly and almost irreversibly. I either forget what major goal I'm aiming for, or I determine that my steps won't lead to that goal and I just give up. And I'm ashamed that I do that.
I say this because right now I had the goal that by January, I'd be employed at a law office in Dekalb. Never mind not having a law degree. Never mind my lack of formal legal training. I just know that I want to work in a law office so that I'm sure law is what I'd like to pursue. And so I started the task of looking online to find law offices relatively close to campus that I'd be able to get to relatively easily. And I found some.
Then I thought of reasons to whittle down the list. I'm not interested in family law, though I'd probably be a sympathetic listener seeing as my own family situation hasn't been the most ideal. Strike out those lawyers. I can't travel too far away from Dekalb, so strike out those lawyers. An 11 firm list went down to 7, and by the time I was done reading through the limited information I could find online, I had only written down information for 2 offices. During this time, I started berating myself. This is a stupid idea, I started thinking. It's not going to work. And that's what I'm always doing. I wouldn't apply for a certain loan because I was convinced beforehand that I wouldn't qualify. I wouldn't ask for help because I was sure I either wouldn't get it at all or that the help I did get wouldn't be helpful. I won't take chances, because I'm afraid to fail.
But enough is enough. By not trying, I'm essentially failing worse than I would have if I tried and got a "no". At least I would have the satisfaction of knowing I'd tried my hardest, and if it's not meant to be then it's not meant to be.
Now I'm off for a midnight snack, and then to get the information of EVERY SINGLE ONE of the lawyers on that list. I'm also going to research the clerical duties required of the job, and find out what it is that paralegals do with the hopes of shadowing one or becoming an assistant, just for job exposure. I'm going home tomorrow, and drafting a letter that I'm faxing/mailing to each law firm. I'm also revamping my resume (not lying, just adjusting) for the position I'm looking for. With luck, I'll hear from the firms within a week, and I may be able to work something out for the rest of the year and even beyond that.
I just hope this time, my resolve doesn't wear out.