Sunday, May 25, 2008

The Road Home...Part 1

*Sigh*. I've been in Chicago for a week, which is why I haven't written anything in a while. This has officially been one of the worst weeks I've ever had to experience. Don't get me wrong, being home has a certain feel to it. It's nice to be back where I've belonged for so long (if you can call my living situation a "belonging"). I know my grandmother is certainly glad there's somebody else in that house with her and that she doesn't have to be alone anymore. But I still miss Dekalb a lot. And it's not even just the town itself, but the college life. I miss being able to go to the parties I used to go to and I miss being able to hang out with my friends the way I did before.

I realized something today that I didn't think I could ever do: I am not as addicted to Facebook and Myspace! Normally when I go over my aunt's house I run straight to the computer because I want to know how life has been going for my Facebook friends. Today, I didn't even touch the computer until much later in the day and only checked Facebook once, and I checked it as if I had been on it yesterday! I didn't even check it before writing here. I was tempted; I went to the homepage and everything, but before I could begin to type my username something just didn't feel right. I couldn't believe my life had come to a social networking site. I mean, you're supposed to be making new friends on those sites, which I don't do. I just find all the people I already know and harass them. What kind of living is that?

Being at home alone has given me a lot of time to reflect and I have come to appreciate the solitary side of me, the side that wants to sit in front of a computer screen with a mug of hot tea or coffee and just pound her life out, or the girl who sits in front of 88 ivory keys and lets her fingers dance up and down concertos and preludes, or the girl who always has her nose in a book especially when eating. I miss the side of me that propped her legs up with a sketchbook in her lap and just drew what she saw, regardless of how accurate the final result actually was. I miss the side of me that paints my nails three times in an hour and combs my hair five times a day and (yes) dances in front of the mirror with the total abandon I could never show to anybody else. Don't get me wrong, I like going out, and I complain a lot about being at home bored. But when there's nowhere for me to go, and no one for me to see, I have a lot of time to explore me. And it took me until just this moment to realize that, when I realized that for as much time as I spent surrounded by the people I love today, I wasn't truly relaxed and at peace until I sat in front of this computer and started this blog entry.

My mind is fighting over what issues to address now. I want to just let the words flow from my fingertips, but I must remember this blog is nowhere near private and there are just some things about myself that can't be known because it will increase my vulnerability. There is an invisible wall, the same wall that goes up every time I try to say something and it gets shot down, the same wall that goes up when I'm in an argument and I can't say how I feel because i'm afraid of retaliation, the same wall that separates my aquaintances and good friends from best friends, the same wall that holds my lips shut when I'd like nothing better than to let it all it. It is the wall that has tormented me ever since I was old enough to experience stress. It is the wall that keeps me solitary, that keeps me safe. And it's so strange...for as many walls and safeguards I put up, it is the only wall that nobody really ever tries to break because they feel it shouldn't be there in the first place. Perhaps this restraint IS my weakness.

I am getting very tired, and this computer screen is beginning to hurt my eyes, and I'm already not in the best of moods in general. It's been a very long day for me (nobody seems to understand that either) and all I really want to do now is forget about the rest of the world and make myself comfortable and watch some television until my brains ooze out my ears or until I fall asleep, whichever comes first. I just want a few moments to myself tonight when I'm not irritated, I'm not tired, I'm not mad, I'm not bored, I'm not tired, I'm not at my wit's end, but just sitting, enjoying a nice cold drink and maybe some chips or a piece of candy, relaxing. Honestly, at my age, is that really too much to ask?

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