There comes a time when you have to step outside of your own body for a bit and evaluate your life and what's going on in it. Many people do it multiple times, especially after a traumatizing experience. I had one of those moments in class today. There were three counselors in my Statistics class, and they spoke to us about coping with stress and made us do a little exercise. They said that some people may be over what happened to our school the week before last, and others are not. Things started to sink in. I realized, in that instant, that I had not truly coped with the tragedy. I simply cried a little, because it felt right at the time, and tried to put all reminders of it out of my mind. For three mornings straight I awoke with fresh tears in my eyes...I cried myself to sleep an equal number of nights. But even these tears were not enough. And as I sat in class today, my eyes had not been on the ceiling for 10 seconds before I felt the tears start to form...and I averted my gaze to the floor. I don't need a counselor, I tried telling myself, secretly wondering if I should really go talk to one. But I don't even know where to begin talking. This is what happens when your idea of being strong becomes not the ability to cope with trials but to run from them instead. That is essentially what I have done. I tell everyone I'm okay when they ask how I'm holding up...which is true when I'm not thinking about what happened. But it's impossible to not think about it sometimes.
This doesn't teach me that life is futile and that you must cherish those in it, because you never know what could happen...I knew that already. And I'm not going to pretend like I'm going to change my ways overnight...but I'm working on it. I'm contacting friends I haven't talked to since elementary school. I tell my family I love them every time I speak to them. It's not a whole hell of a lot, but it's something. I don't want to live my life afraid that at any moment it could be ripped away from me. I know that one breath doesn't guarantee the next. I learned that a long time ago. I don't want to end up in some mental institution with my arms wrapped around my body because I have things like this riding on my shoulders and I never learn to shrug them off. But I don't want to cry anymore. i don't want to be sad anymore.
To the 7 Huskies we lost...you will forever be missed. To anyone who was hurt: I sincerely hope you feel better and I wish you all a speedy recovery. Unnum...we'll see you next week girlie.
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