Taking Things Into My Own Hands

All right, God, you got me. I don't know who you are and I don't know what you are, but if you really are controlling my life right now and you're the reason I'm going through what I'm going through, then I've got a bone to pick with you.

They say you'll never give me more than I can handle. I don't know what I did to make you think I was so resilient and strong, God, but you're taking this whole "life challenge" thing overboard. I have no choice BUT to accept what curves life throws at me, because the only exit you have out of life is death and that's a one way street I'm not trying to go down right now.

I want to know how many of my life circumstances you were responsible for. Was it you that made my parents divorce? You who made my father nothing more to me than a point on the horizon, untouchable and unreachable? You who allowed the people closest to me to steal from me? Was it you that burned me out during my senior year of high school, a burnout that subsequently led to me not even being in school at all right now? Was it you that kept the employers from calling me, you that took my car away, you that made me so easily influenced by what everyone else thinks of me?

If it was you, then why? What have I done to deserve this? What have I done to make you think that I, of all people in this world, have to go above and beyond to prove that I'm strong enough to handle what you've thrown at me?

So here I stand, angry and confused. You're supposed to be my guiding light, the solution to all my problems. And yet whenever I trust my problems to you, I only end up more disappointed and more upset.

So God I've decided to take my life out of your hands and to take it into my own. I'm sick of waiting around for you to finally decide to make things go right for me. I'm sick of doing what I think I should be doing and leaving the rest up to you. I'm tired of praying to you to make things right, tired of crossing my fingers, tired of looking up to the sky for answers only to get silence in return.

I don't know how much of my life I'm supposed to attribute to you, but I guess that's not something I have to worry about anymore.

As far as this whole "you challenging me"thing goes, continue to send problems my way. You seem to be on a pretty good roll now, so don't stop. Only this time, I'm not falling for the trap of asking you for advice anymore. You give some pretty shitty advice, God. You know what's never been wrong, though? My intuition. I'm going to start listening to that. And you know what? Sometimes I just need to feel like someone cares. Sometimes I need a hug, a shoulder to cry on. I feel like shit on a stick when I cry and I need someone to verbally tell me that everything will be okay. And so far, you've never given me any hugs or rubbed my back or wiped away my tears or even made me feel like things will turn out okay eventually. But my boyfriend has, and has always been there when I needed him without exception. So I'm listening to him. And I'm not always sad...I have friends who make me laugh, friends in person and friends through my blog, people who give me something else to talk about other than what's going on in my own life. So I'm going to continue to laugh with them. I've got a family who has never hesitated to help me when I need it, people in my life who took over when the ones who were SUPPOSED to be doing their job just backed down and left me alone.

Matter of fact, just knowing that I'm doing things for me now makes me feel so much better.

I still have a little faith, skeptical as it may be. I still listen to gospel, and the few times I do go to church I'll still take what the reverend says into consideration. I may even continue to talk to you sometimes when I'm alone and I need nothing but silence.

But I know who matters to me most and who really give me the support I need, and you just aren't making the cut right now.

No hard feelings.