A Modest Proposal

I've been thinking on a couple of things recently and just thought I'd get them off my chest.

I HATE DUMB BITCHES.

By dumb bitches, I don't mean the dumb bitch that does stupid things once in a while but means no harm by it; those are misguided bitches.

And I also don't mean the dumb bitches that do things for love, like marry a guy after 2 weeks or get his name tattooed on her neck after a month of dating. Those girls are in love and so don't always see reason.

I mean dumb bitches that are just dumb because they think it's cute, or are just oblivious to the world around them. They are the ones that come out with stupid shit. My favorite dumb bitch quote: "I want to have brain surgery because you have to stay awake and it looks cool."

I petition that these particular individuals be placed on their own little island somewhere far away from ME so that they can learn to survive with all sorts of other airheaded bitches just like themselves. I would say throw men with them but we don't want these females to reproduce and make any dumb bitch babies that grow up to terrorize my own children one day with stupidity.

Of course, maybe some people aren't as affected by Dumb Bitch Syndrome as others, and those who have some hopes of returning to intelligent life should be sent to rehab. Perhaps a little common sense therapy wouldn't hurt. And if they don't respond well to treatment...SEND THEM TO THE ISLAND!!!

I'm sure it will make life so much easier...

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I keep it real. Too real, sometimes. And it seems I've lost a friend or two because of it.

Well, I didn't lose a friend. But she won't tell me anything anymore because she's afraid I'm going to yell at her, because OF COURSE you should be afraid of a 5'4", 120 lb girl yelling at you because of the next stupid thing you've done. Riiiiiight.

Then again, she's the type of girl that needs constant affirmation to feel like her life means something, and I'm probably not the person you want to go to for that.

But this is starting to kind of hurt.

She's getting MARRIED, ya'll. Yep, she picked the wedding date and everything. According to my other best friend, I'm supposed to be in her wedding party. But this girl hasn't even told me about it yet. She's afraid I'm going to yell at her.

YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I'M GONNA YELL!! When you've known a dude for a week and suddenly decide he's your soulmate, SOMEBODY needs to slap you in the face to bring you back to reality. And when you're trying to have a baby with this man, given that YOU'RE STILL A STUDENT and don't even have the esteem or maturity to support your damn self, somebody needs to push you down a flight of stairs or two (might as well kill two birds with one stone).

My other best friend, who has been keeping me in the loop cuz this one sure doesn't, told me yesterday that not only is she trying to marry a guy she's dated for a month, but they are trying to have a baby now and she wanted to get a tattoo of his name.

I don't think her mother would have flipped out on her as hard as I did. Especially with the tattoo part. I would have jumped through that phone and beat her ever-lovin ass.

But I didn't tell her everything I told her because I want to sabotage her life, or because I want her to be unhappy, and that's where the line between a friend and a really good best friend is drawn. She knows that as much as I may have yelled at her, I only do it because I know this girl and I've been to hell and back with her. When everybody else was against her I stood next to her, risking my own reputation as well.

I believe that a friend will tell you what you want to hear to make you feel better. A best friend will tell you that you're being stupid and to shut the hell up, which won't feel good at the time but you'll realize later on that that was probably the best advice you could have ever gotten.

And THEN, on top of all that, another one of my friends is having boyfriend problems. Now, when it comes to boyfriend problems, I have a "put up or shut up" mentality, even with my own relationship. I feel a person has a right to be happy in their relationship and if they aren't happy, they reserve the opportunity to try to change things, whether it be by talking things out or maybe changing their own perspectives. And if that doesn't work, they reserve the right to leave and find someone who will make them happy.

Let me also say that I've never been the type to break up a relationship, ever. I never tell my friends to break up with someone. But I will tell them (in my very straightforward way) that if they aren't happy they need to figure out why and find some way to change things so they are.

So this friend is having problems, and she complains about them to everybody: me, our other friend, my boyfriend, my big bro, and countless other people. We could be talking about something completely unrelated and suddenly we're on the topic of how bad he treats her: Strike 1.

Then, if anyone complains about how her man is treating her, she wants to one-up her, talking about "well if you thought YOUR man did YOU bad, wait til you hear what mine did to me", because of course we want to all flaunt whose boyfriend is the worst to us. I hate it when people try to one-up me all the time. So what if your man is a total ass...it makes me happier that mine isn't. What, do you want a fuckin cookie now?? Strike 2.

And now, she's talking mad shit about how she's concentrating on herself and how she's so big and bad but she's letting this dude trample all over her. Or she talks mad shit about how he doesn't care when she's around guys, but she talks about how sweet he is when she's talking to me. Pick one story and stick to it!! Strike muthafuckin 3.

One of these days, she's going to be depressed, and she's gonna bitch about how her man isn't treating her right, and she's gonna tell my boyfriend all about how her man ain't shit. And on that day, I'm not going to be in any mood for her bullshit. And she's gonna say something and I'm gonna turn around and treat her. I don't do it often but when I wanna get smartmouthed I can hurt people.

My moral of the day is this: Women, if yo man ain't shit...LEAVE HIM ALONE!! Ain't shit niggas need to be with ain't shit bitches, and you, girl, are not that bitch.