Questions For The Experts

Life, I've got some questions. God, Mother Nature, you too. Gather round, gather round.

1. If you touch, say, your own arm, which sensation do you feel more, the sensation from your arm at being touched or your fingers at touching?

2. I was at the pool yesterday and observed many women spraying themselves with what looked like bottled baby oil and basking in the sun's harmful rays to have skin that looks like mine. Why do they do that?

3. And why do people like me with curly hair do everything we can to make it straight (unsuccessful as some of those endeavors are), while people with straight hair get perms to make it curly?

4. While I've got the three of you here, I might as well ask this: whose decision was it to "bless" womankind with the burdens of monthly menstrual cycles and childbirth? We couldn't have one or the other? I normally like to blame Mother Nature but she's a woman too and I just can't see how a woman would choose to go through this.

5. Why is it that the more sleep you get, the more tired you are the next day?

6. Life, this is for you. How does it feel to be constantly called a bitch?

7. And I would like to know which one of you is responsible for allowing my dad to buy me the dandelion yellow Gameboy Color, knowing that was the ugliest color out. He couldn't even get me the super cool Pokemon version. Good lookin, guys. I thought you had my back.

8. God. I know you have to be tired of people only talking to you when they need something, myself included. Must suck.

9. Mother Nature. You must think its funny to wait until everyone is outside to start pouring rain and then as soon as they get inside you stop the rain. Yuk, yuk, yuk. You should be a comedienne.

10. Finally, to the three of you. How much do you pay your secretaries to keep up with the billions of lives on earth that you supposedly watch over, influence, and ultimately take? That seems like an awful lot of work for really two people, seeing as Mother Nature just plays weather jokes for kicks.

Next time, make sure Father Time brings his old ass in here. I've got some questions for him.