WARNING: This post is rather depressing. Do not read if you don't want to read some heavy personal stuff.
Of course, if you like living soap operas, by all means, read ahead...
I sat here for 20 minutes, typing out an explanation of how I feel the way I feel and why I haven't been blogging lately. I was almost in tears by the end of it...still am.
And I just deleted it.
I don't know why I did it. It's not like my blog is very public. I don't have ads on it, nor do I write for money, or anything like that. But still, I couldn't bring myself to hit "Publish Post". Something just wasn't right.
Maybe it was because I knew I was about to share something that is truly, truly personal with the rest of the blogosphere.
You see, I've been under an extreme amount of stress for the past few weeks. I don't mean stress as in just worrying. My stress has progressed to the point where I have a headache almost every night, I don't eat, I can't sleep peacefully, I'm always tired, and if I'm not around someone else (like Amardo) I spin myself into a cocoon of self-defeating thoughts that bring me to the verge of tears.
What's worse is that I can't always pinpoint the source of my frustration. I cry but can't explain the tears, rage but can't explain the anger. I worry but can't explain the cause.
This is exactly how I felt (though not quite to this degree) when I went through my terror filling out college applications last year. I felt pressured and when things didn't come through I felt a disappointment in myself that would put anyone else's bad feelings to shame. I felt inadequate, unable to take care of business, irresponsible, and just plain stupid. I feel that exact way now and then some.
However, I think I just realized why I deleted the last post...I realized that for all my complaining and whining, I'm not getting anywhere. The problems that plagued me before I wrote this post will still be here if/when I publish it. The tears waiting behind my eyelids will still be fighting to be free when I'm done. My fatigue will still be here. I wonder what's the point of publishing this at all.
Maybe someone will read this who has been through it before and can offer advice. Or someone who is going through it now won't feel so lonely, because trust when you're in a mood like this feeling lonely is the worst thing you can add. Who knows?
I'd like to take a moment now, before I publish this post and head toward a nap, to say a special thank you to Amardo. I've been a real handful these past few weeks, and yet he's been there for me every step of the way. Through the late night hysterical phone calls to the complaints to the depressing monologues to the frequent texts to the time I spend in his arms looking for a shelter from the cold world, he's been there. Every time I reached out, even when I felt alone, he was there. He listens. He speaks in his wise old man way. When I'm easily irritated and take it out on him, he understands (most of the time). He makes me forget that there are troubles in the world, and for a few blissful hours every few days I can be the carefree girl I was just a little while ago. It takes a powerful thing to bring a feeling like that back. He is simply amazing and I don't know what I did but I must have done something really good to have somebody like him in my life.
I must retreat to the couch now for a short nap to get some energy for the work I have to do tonight. And don't worry, I know this post was a little heavy on the emotions but I won't be posting any more like this for a long time. I hope.